December to Remember- Week 1

I started the December to Remember fitness and goodwill challenge on December 1st. I thought this might be a good way to get back on track with my eating and exercise while also working on making this a beautiful holiday season. I wanted to really focus on the things that have helped to make my life feel wonderful this year and give back by sharing the goodness life has blessed me with.

Day 1
On the first day of the challenge I got up at 5am to get to the gym and start with some good energy. I walked and jogged before heading to work for the day. I shared some cute little lady apples with my permaculture group.

Day 2
I met my exercise goal by kicking butt with my Industrial Strength video. I have never made it all the way through the video before, I'm so proud of myself. I also spent some time practicing with my new hoop and hoopnotica video. So fun!

Day 3
Today I joined the local food coop. This is my goodwill toward the earth! I'm trying to buy more locally and it's been a real challenge. I also picked up some fresh local veggies for the week. I met my calorie and exercise goals for the day too!



Day 4
Today I met someone who goes by the name "Blueboy." He is homeless and is trying to get to Tulsa, OK for the holidays to see a daughter that he hasn't seen for 21 years. I felt moved by him because he reminds me of someone in my life that I want to come home someday. I gave him as much as I could afford to. I hope he finds his way home. I didn't meet my calorie goal for the day but I did hoop!


Day 5
I call today "Share Your Spares." I packed up some items that I've had sitting around my apartment that I don't use. I put them out in a common area of the apartment complex I live in for people to take. I dropped them off before I left to go grocery shopping, and by the time I got back, they were gone. That made me smile.

Who Is This Girl?

I'm not sure I remember who I am anymore. I just finished hanging up my clothes after doing laundry. All of them are new. (Well new to me, all from Goodwill in great condition.) I know I've said it before, bit it's a strange experience putting on clothes in sizes I have no business wearing. I know it's not only the benefit of giving seam allowances and cotton poly blends, because there is no way I could have even put on a medium pair or pants only 6 months ago. Yep, medium. I just bought 3 pairs of medium lounging pants. I now see the frustration with size variance now. I never had to think much about it before since all my clothes came from Lane Bryant. Now I see how a 16 by Liz Claiborne is not the same as a 16 from Old Navy. Even between the brown and white 16 Old Navy pants, they are a different fit. Is this the fashion frustration I've been missing out on all my life? I'm kinda loving it!
Who is this girl who walks 5ks with no problem on a cold November day? Who is this girl who loves to sweat until the endorphin release kicks in and the warmth drowns out all thought? I started jogging part of the treadmill intervals recently. Jogging! It's actually less painful on my ankle to jog than walk fast. I figured it out by accident while working out in the San Francisco hotel. The interval program was far more complicated than the one at my gym and I accidentally selected an interval that popped me up to 4.6. To my great surprise, I didn't die after the 2 minute interval. It certainly gets me sweating reliably. I wonder what John would say. I am grateful for his guidance and companionship over the last 6 months. I'm not sure I could have made it without him. He only needed to speak several words that really sunk into my psyche. I guess that's his power. And I will always be grateful for the role he played in my life. Maybe someday his life will calm down enough for him to be able to train me again.
In the mean time I need to recommit myself to tracking my calories daily again and sticking to a new modified meal plan. I'm going to try to create a group in myfitness pal for people who would be willing to share meal and exercise ideas. Maybe a close group of friends who are committed will help. I don't want to give up. In fact, I feel like I'm just getting started. Being sick has been torture. All I want to do is Trubo Kick, jump, dance, and move! I like this new me. 53 pounds down and loving it!

What started off as a 2-week break from thinking about fitness on an intensive daily basis turned into an unintended hiatus. Now that I stop to consider it, I needed the time to readjust to my life and all the changes that have happened over the past few months. I didn't stop caring for myself through eating; and I didn't stop getting regular exercise (as my knee allowed.) But I did let things flow a little more naturally and organically in my life during this time. I keep observing myself with the new knowledge I've gained.

The knee injury has certainly forced me to take some time for rest. I have a patella tracking problem due to overuse of the knee.

Cooking Experiment

Can you believe that I'm cooking with quinoa and fennel? I'm cooking the tilapia on a bed of shredded ginger and fennel bulb (which smell amazing together.)What a fresh beautiful smell emanating from the kitchen. I chopped fennel tops, mild green pepper, and mixed it with lemon juice, olive oil, pepper, and salt for the dressing for the quinoa. I wish I had some olives, but I think the quinoa salad will taste wonderful with steamed broccoli and squash mixed in.

Quinoa and Fennel

I'm not sure how to get back to "the routine."

I just got back from a 13 day Permaculture Design Certification course. I'm still not quite oriented to my life. Maybe it's more accurate that I feel so much more oriented to myself now. The course was totally life changing.

I did really well with keeping up with an exercise during the first week. At the beginning of the second week, though, I hurt my knee. I'm not even sure what I did, but it's been giving me a hard time ever since. I think I may need to see a physical therapist about it. I'm going to see if I have any physical therapy coverage under my insurance. If not, then I'm going to have to save some money to see one. I think my knee issue is just getting worse and worse.

Foodwise, the course was heaven. I have never eaten so much good food in my life. The food was always a gourmet organic feast. I ate so much food that I have never even heard of or never tasted. I ate quinoa, fennel, kale, and even tomatoes! I picked up some quinoa and fennel at the market today and incorporated it into a dish with salmon. The quinoa is quite hearty and very satisfying. I like the little bit of crunch that it has... and it's easier to cook than rice!

I feel totally inspired about life right now. I feel like I have found my purpose and my power. What a wonderful place to be.

Boston Cream Pie

Boston Cream Pie Yoplait Light yogurt is the bomb!

And Bryan Adams still rocks my world. I'm melting to "Everything I Do I Do It for You," and eating pie!!!

Karen Made Me Cry

Last night, the room at the gym where we do Turbo Kick was really hot. It didn't cool down in time for the class, so the instructor, Karen, decided to do sculpt for a second day in a row. Ouch! I'm already pretty sore from Monday. Last night we did a whole different set of things and pretty much worked every muscle in the body-- again!

Since I started working out several months ago, I haven't done anything that has caused me tears because of physical exertion. We did this one exercise last night where you lay on your back with your feet on a big ball, you lift your butt, and pull your legs in. When I saw that we were going to be doing that, I whined, "noooooo." The last time we did those I kept falling off the ball. I couldn't keep enough balance to get anywhere near pulling my legs in. Last night I was able to with a lot of wobbling and shaking. But omg... I cried. It was so difficult to do. It felt like everything last night took complete focus. I am so, so sore this morning. I don't want to get up from my chair. All I want to do is nap, which is not an option at work. I think every muscle is sore. (My arms aren't all that sore. I knew I should have grabbed heavier weights.) Karen told me to tell John that she made me cry. She seemed pretty proud of herself. And, to be honest, I'm pretty grateful that she is willing to push me so hard. I'm starting to feel like more apart of the group there in that class. I don't feel like such an outsider now. Pain is a bonding experience.

Eat, Pray, Love

It's been a nice couple of days. I saw my trainer on Thursday and Friday. We did two short treadmill walks. We did "intervals" on Thursday and he ran next to me. I want do be able to do what he does some day. On Friday the walk was awesome. I felt great. The two light workouts in a row made both days feel like a holiday to me. I feel rested and ready for Turbo Kick today.

Last night I took myself on a date to have some beautiful sushi and watched Eat, Pray, Love. The movie was so beautiful. It was great to watch it while I'm in middle of my own life-changing, soul-seeking journey. I haven't had to leave home to begin searching for my truth. But I have had to leave many things behind. Sometimes it's sad. And I'm learning to let it just be sad. Sometimes it's a relief. And I'm learning to let go of the guilt. Sometimes it's bliss. It's nice to see something new emerge. My body is getting stronger: I'm losing weight and gaining strength. My spirit is getting stronger: This is something I'm doing all for my own balance. My mind is getting stronger: I'm able to regulate my emotions more and let go of thought. I get impatient for an idea of an "ultimate" truth that i have yet to find. So I think my new practice will be accepting everything that is, as it is, right now. Be silent and accept myself as I am today, accept the people in my life as they are today, accept this moment and recognize it for what it is, and act from knowing what things are (not what I want them to be.) I have everything in this moment to live and be full.

Today John told me that I'm getting "skinny." I don't look at myself and see skinny or anything like skinny. I still see the same lumpy me in the mirror with a slightly slimmer outline. He also said that he doesn't want me to get "too skinny." That's something I honestly never considered as an option for myself. I can't imagine myself one day being so thin that I'd be unhealthy. I just didn't think my body was built for thinness. But then again, I don't know what my body was built for. But I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy, whatever form that takes on. I'm not working for a better body image, that is just the side effect. I'm working for balance. I'm working with the idea that if any part of my life is in unbalance, I as a being will be in unbalance. I want to live. That's what this quest is about for me. Choosing life. Choosing not to follow the old patterns of thought. Choosing not to give into hopelessness. I thought this would be easier than it has been. I knew this time in my life would be life-changing. I didn't know that I'd look back 3 months later on a life I no longer recognize: on a self I no longer recognize.

Thought, Deed, Habit, and Character

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.
Buddha

I read this quote last night and was deeply moved by it. It reminded me of something John said when we first started. "Everything you do and don't do is an investment of and for today." This thought has been so helpful to me in a deep way. There have been days when I wanted to just give up. Not just give up on eating well or exercising, but give up on life. I have wanted to just lie there and wait for things to feel different. I wasn't content with now and wanted to avoid the world until things felt better. I've experienced that it's when things feel the most daunting that it's the most important to keep going. I've been doing that in small ways working with John.

Thought
I pay attention to my thoughts when I feel like I want to give up. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for all beings. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for my own being. They are toxic and destructive. Noticing them was the first step. Recognizing the toxicity of my judgments and making a decision to let them go. Making the decision 50 times in 10 minutes to let them go. "I'm no good at this." "I will never get any better." "This is hopeless." "I should just quit." Those are thoughts I've had directly related to being on the treadmill or in a class. Those are the same exact thoughts that have been plaguing me in life. It's no surprise that they are the same thoughts. There is a lot of power in recognizing it. The same patterns of thought that have made working out difficult have continually been making my life difficult. It's just that when I'm putting myself into a new, stressful situation, the thoughts are so much louder. I can clearly see when my mood plummets as I let the thoughts multiply and spin out of control. On the treadmill, I lose energy and the work becomes much more painful. In class, I get frustrated and give up. Just like in life. What a metaphor.

Deed
So, having a schedule of when I meet with John, when I will go to Turbo Kick, when I will go to Cycle, when I will shop, and when I will prepare food has given me a concrete target of exactly what I need to do. I hate to flake on appointments. I flake a lot on friends, but things are very different when I'm going to meet with the trainer. I made a decision to treat my time with him as sacred. (Much like I treat the therapy hour as sacred.) I try my best to be on time. I prepare myself mentally for the meeting (when I'm not in emotional distress anyways.) The cell phone gets turned off. I go into student mode.

I have many opportunities throughout my day to "do". Every cup of water I drink, every grapefruit I cut, every meal I eat, every appointment I make, every punch, every kick becomes an opportunity to do the effective thing. Every action becomes an investment. So when I feel like I'm blowing it or failing, it becomes much easier to put it into perspective when I count all the things I did do that day to reach my goal. And it reminds me that even if I ate too much for lunch or forgot to pack a meal, there are many more opportunities in that day to do". Even when I feel totally awful, depressed, hopeless, and worthless; it is getting easier to do something. Sometimes its the act of doing that reminds me that I'm on a path. I have a goal. And I'm taking action 50 times a day to reach it.

Habit
I noticed that when I eat the wrong proportions of food, I don't feel right. Sometimes I get lazy and don't feel like fighting with my food so I just cook more veggies to make up for not eating the rice. It doesn't fly. I feel unsatisfied and like something is missing. My body has gotten used to eating well. I NEVER thought that would happen. I'm developing those "healthy eating habits" people always talk about. But it started with many small deeds over the past 3 months. Those small deeds are accumulating into something entirely new for me. There is a predictable pattern that is becoming clear as I make new choices. In my whole life, that has never happened for me.

I noticed that with Turbo Kick some good practices are becoming habit. In the beginning I was just trying to hang in there and keep up. I wasn't conscious of good form because I was just trying to get my foot into the air without falling. I had to consciously tell myself, "pivot when you punch, Carmen." I noticed that I no longer have to think as much about it, I just do it. I lift my knees more when I walk on the treadmill and I carry water wherever I go by habit. I wonder what things that take conscious effort for me today will become habit in another 3 months.

Character
I don't know that I've observed any real character changes in myself yet. But I am excited that this is where this is heading. John said that he thought the my growing ability to will my body to do what I want it to do is a strengthening of the mind. I really thought of it as a strengthening of the body. Maybe it's somewhere in between those two. (Or maybe I should just trust John because he always seems to be completely right about these things.) Developing will, presence, and being through fitness is important to me. I envision myself being well in the future. I don't think of this journey as "a stint with the trainer," or as "that time when I worked out." I see it as the start of a new way of being. I want healthy lifestyle though mind, body, and spirit to be defined by my character through everything I do.

...And it all starts with paying careful attention to every thought that passes. It starts with being mindful of where the thoughts stem from and where they go to. It starts with the acknowledgment that I have those thoughts and a gentle turning of the mind to a more accepting way. It starts with letting my thoughts spring up from a place of love... from a place of love for myself and my place in the world.

2 nights in a row of Turbo Kick??

This evening ended up taking an interesting turn. John, because of his focus on the upcoming fight, forgot that we had an appointment this evening. I felt a lot of compassion for him. I know he has a lot to do and he seems a bit overwhelmed with an array of thought. (And judgments) So this evening I ended up going to Turbo Kick. I was about to go do some treadmill time when I saw Karen (the Turbo Kick instructor) walk by. So on a whim, I went to the class. I didn't come prepared with my ankle support today. I was in disorder because I forgot my shoes at home. So I was in a hurry and not mindful of all the things I needed to remember. (Kind of like John.) Things worked out great though. The class was SO hard this evening. I have never done turbo 2 nights in a row. I felt much warmer than I did last night and am feeling pretty sore now even though I took it easy on the jumping without my ankle support. I think my mind is in 2 places right now. I guess it's time to end this blog and start another one. End.

Rocked It!

Today was an amazing day. When I woke up this morning, I was sure that I was going to have a crappy day. Goes to show you what I think I know. When I went to put on my bra, I had to clasp it on the middle set of hooks. (I don't know how else to describe it.) I'm shrinking! Despite my out-of-whack emotions I kept on top of my eating (except for the AM snack) and I drank tons of water.

I stopped by to see John at the gym around noontime. I felt like it was important for me to make a repair for some things I did when I was feeling pretty out of it the night before. It really had more to do with keeping my emotions regulated than anything. (It's always all about me.) I did feel much better afterward and that's when the awesomeness began.

I felt majorly frumpy today. My pants felt huge and were very baggy. I was annoyed that I didn't put on a belt this morning. Then it hit me, "Oh yeah, I'm shrinking!"

I was able to actually let go of the anger and frustration I felt at work by getting totally mindful and active. What do you know, being skillful worked! I had a very effective day and was ultra-excited for Turbo Kick.

When I went to change into my clothes for class I noticed that I was able to pull my pants halfway up my body. Granted, they are pretty stretchy, I don't remember having to pull them that high before to feel like they weren't falling off. Then when I walked, I was annoyed that the bottom of the pant leg was shifting around on my calf. Now that definitely didn't happen before! Oh yeah, I'm shrinking!

I ran into John on my way into class. Always motivating.

Then I got to class and totally rocked it! I stood on the opposite side of the room to see how it felt to be in a different corner. (That is a pretty big deal for me.) The instructor noticed that I did the lunges with the jumps this time. (I've been practicing!) That made me feel soooo good. Midway through class the two ladies in front of me started gabbing. They were complaining about the flab underneath their arms when they punched. Oh hell no. I have more flab than both those old crabs combined. I didn't want to hear it. So I just thought as loud as I could, "If you don't like your arms shut your mouth and start punching!" (Ignoring them was big deal for me. Listening to other people have judgments about themselves is a huge trigger for me. Today I was able to separate myself from it and call it crap.) During turbo I was able to do the jacks! For real! I was so excited when I was able to do them that I gave it all my energy to go as long as I could. It was a total act of mentally willing my body to keep moving, and it worked. Then came the dreaded crunch-time! I usually do regular crunches with my legs at an angle with my feet on the wall. (Beginner-style) But I was trapped by 2 people in front of me and no wall behind me. So, I had to do the regular ab work. And OMG... I didn't do too bad! I couldn't do everything. But I was able to do some things! Something new to practice.

So today I went from feeling pretty worthless in the AM to feeling amazing right now. What a difference 12 hours of skillful mindfulness practice makes!

Massage, Yay

I didn't plan my day out very well. So, that means that I spent longer in Reno that I had intended to and had to find something to eat there. I got a flat bread sandwich at Subway. I came up to a little over 1700 calories for the day, so I think I am still ok. I kind of just left the house with no plan, which really isn't a good thing.

So the reason I stayed later in Reno was because I went to Massage Envy. I had a wonderful massage to work out some of the tension in my shoulders, legs, and back. There were some pretty big trigger points going on in my shoulders. I'm feeling tons better now and am ready for Cycle 60 tomorrow. My friend is teaching the class tomorrow. I've been scared to take any classes he's teaching, I don't want him to think I'm an idiot. I think it will be a great experience though. I had a great time in Cycle 45 today. I thought it was going to be easier than the last Cycle 60 class I went to, but my ankle was really giving me a hard time. The instructor suggested that it might be a good idea to wear the bicycle shoes. I think I need to look into buying some.

Turbo Kickness

This evening John went with me to Turbo Kick. I was really excited an nervous for him to be there with me. I was really afraid that he would say something critical of me. But that didn't happen and I had an amazing time in the class. I was very mindful of how much I enjoyed glancing over and seeing him. The one smile I caught during class made my whole day.

I hope he's proud of me. Because I'm kinda proud of myself.

After the initial nervousness wore off, I had a great class. Doing turbo next to him reminded me of how I felt when I would play guitar in front of my guitar maestro, Bill Kannengeiser. When I would play I would feel initially nervous about what he was thinking. Then something in me clicked. And I just did my thing as if he wasn't there watching me. It feels like getting to know my body is much like getting to know my instrument. Learning the subtleties of the frets and the tension on the strings. Learning the exact place where the harmonic will ring clear and learning when to let it breathe. Hm, maybe I need to find myself a guitar maestro again. I sure do miss performing! My father would always ask me if I'd ask Bill to play something for me. I never did. So as I was doing my best to focus on doing my thing in turbo today, I kept thinking, "There is a master present next to me." Too bad I was too busy doing my thing to really notice the quality of his mastery and be impressed with it. From the very little I was able to see while I was trying not to kick him, though, I was very impressed.

Wow, I need to take a moment to be mindful about how much I enjoyed class tonight. When John asked me during class if I loved it, my response was genuinely, "YES." I do love it.

He did seem just a bit distant tonight. I can't tell if he seemed worried or that he was just thinking about something. I know he disconnects a bit when he is thinking, so I assume that is what's going on. I can't help but go to the place where I feel like he is withdrawing from me though. I'm sure he was just in thought about something. I hope everything is ok with him.

I am SO in love!

I just can't get over how much I love cous cous! Please don't tell me if there is anything bad about this dream food! It's even awesome reheated. It's so perfect under the ginger-steamed tilapia. I feel content with life right now.

I hate to say that I've given up on anything. But I give up on rice. I've had so much rice advice over my lifetime. Even from a couple of chefs. This may be one thing that I never master.

And cous cous is so fun to say!

My Awesome Trainer

There was an article in the local paper about my awesome personal trainer. Here are a few excerpts:

John O'Donnell, who works at Total Fitness, turned to MMA 18 months ago and hasn't looked back. It took him only three fights, which he went 3-0, before turning professional.

Training for his fights have come in various forms. At Total Fitness, O'Donnell's female clientele likes to throw punches, which in turn he uses as an exercise for his footwork. O'Donnell also works at Naval Air Station Fallon and comes into contact with Navy SEALs.

The SEALs have taught O'Donnell more about mental toughness and perspective than the physical tools he can use inside the octagon. However, in O'Donnell's in first pro fight he broke two bones in his foot, but still won.

I sure hope he wasn't talking about me throwing punches! I promise that I have never taken a swing a him. I may throw him an icy glare from time to time (also known as the Carmen-look-of-death) when he pushes me especially hard. But I promise I have never wanted to resort to physical violence! (LOL)

I am so inspired by John. He is the main reason I have grown to love this fitness thing. His patience has given me the opportunity to learn about the world of sweat for the first time in my 36 years. I never considered myself "good at" anything that required strength, balance, or movement. Now I have started falling in love. I'm in love with the warmth that radiates from within after a great work out. I'm in love with seeing progress in my body and with building strength. I love that I have the opportunity to explore my fears and overcome them. John has made going to the gym a wonderful experience for me. He is my support and he believes in me. He pushes me when others give up. He listens to my fears and gives me a new perspective.

I'm so glad that our paths have crossed. He has changed my life in amazing ways. And every day that goes by it only gets better. You know I'll be in his corner cheering for him on fight day!

Cous Cous

That's it. I'm never wasting my time with rice again! I made cous cous for the first time this evening. It's awesome! It's sooo much easier to cook than rice. And it tastes great. Why didn't I try this sooner?

So 3 liters is 12.7 cups??? No wonder John was disappointed when I only drank 2 liters! Maybe I should have worked out that conversion earlier!! It doesn't really work so well for me to think of it as 2 cups here and 2 cups there. It's better if I just keep my liter Nalgene (or equivalent bottle) with me and keep drinking. I have a more concrete goal now though. I just have to really get on it as soon as I wake up. Gads that's a lot of water!

Running on Fumes

I haven't been tracking my food for the past couple of days. I've been trying to keep myself upright mentally, and it's been difficult. I found out that my friend's death was ruled a suicide. Finding that out on Thursday was like reliving her loss. I've been grieving her loss for a month since I found out. It's been a rough road. Thursday was like lighting the vapors. I was already feeling emotionally fragile from everything, now so much more emotion has been added to the pile. I suspected that it might have been a suicide, but hoped with all my being that it wasn't.

The first thing to go out the window was the eating. I just haven't wanted to eat. I haven't been tracking my calories but I'm sure that I'm not eating enough. I'm skipping snacks or meals because I often feel so overwhelmed with emotion that I just cry. At my trainers urging I went to Turbo Kick anyways on Thursday. I got confused in middle of class and ended up breaking down crying. The combination of the heat with my lack of eating and emotional distress pretty much shut down my brain for awhile. I felt so bad about my little breakdown in class that I just wanted to hide. I thought everyone would judge me and think I'm weak. It took awhile to understand that anyone might feel this devastated after losing a close friend to suicide. Yesterday I went to Zumba for the first time. That was the instructor I really liked from Cycle. Too bad she isn't teaching cycle today. She makes me smile.

Yesterday was a little better. I received some much needed validation that I am, in fact, dealing with this like a "normal person." I was feeling worried that I might lose my mind with the intensity of the grief I felt. Now I know that's just natural.

My calorie intake over the past two days coupled with the stress of not sleeping well, emotional drain, heat, and social anxiety have made it difficult to exercise. But I am really focusing on the fact that I tried. Even at this time, when it feels like I'm going to melt into tears, I'm still trying to hang onto life.

Today I'm starting with a good breakfast and water. Then I'm going to go to cycle. And then, who knows, this might turn out to be a very different day from there.

Beef Brisket!

I met up with a couple friends on Saturday for some beef brisket and fun. I was scared to get together with these 2 friends again. The last time I saw them I got talked into going to the Nugget and gorging myself on hash browns. I prepared by eating a good, light, lunch before heading up to Reno. I didn't want to be starving before going to hang out with these food-lovers. We went to a BBQ place I've never been to in Reno before. I went with the brisket (my favorite). I gave the sides to one friend and the extra brisket to the other. I portioned out the brisket when I got it into a little heap that looked like maybe 5oz. (I counted 6 in my journal.) I had the sauce on the side and used it sparingly. I also had 2 regular-sized slices of wheat bread. I got a hotter sauce than usual so I didn't feel like I was missing out on any flavor. Heat has been my friend lately. Somehow, if it's spicy, I feel like I've had something delicious. That's funny because I never liked spicy before. Maybe I need to write an article about this, "Living in Heat."

My friend Allan really noticed a difference in me. He had to do a double take. That really makes me happy. I love hearing his stories of misadventure and girls. It's awesome to see that we are all moving forward in life in different ways.

Freaking Rice

I'm tired of Minute Rice. It just doesn't taste the same. I need a rice cooker. I didn't like the Black and Decker or the Aroma. So I added a Sanyo to my wish list. Maybe I need a nice digital display.

So this is totally expected:
1). my butt hurts from the cycle saddle. I knew this was coming, so at least I wasn't caught off guard by it. I just have to sit carefully for awhile. I also have to keep going so I get used to it.
2). I'm sore all over. Not very sore, just a little. Just enough.

I'm considering the possibility of doing a quick 30 minute walk today. We'll see how I feel after coffee.

(Post Script: My quick, relaxing walk idea got scrubbed when my trainer walked in. Although it is always nice to see him, it always results in more sweat and work for me. 3 miles.)

Miles Away

The past several days have been a roller coaster for me (and probably anyone unfortunate to have to be in contact with me.) I feel like my emotions have walked all over me. I've felt intense highs and intense lows. Right now I feel entirely bad that I waste so much of my trainers time with bullshit.

I felt very disconnected from him on Thursday. I was in a heightened emotional state, which he said was bullshit. That sent me further into feeling sadness and shame. I know he was just trying to motivate me to do the race. I know he doesn't realize the intensity of my painful emotions. Or maybe he does and he really does think it's bullshit. I don't know. I know he's not trying to hurt me and that his intentions are to help me reach my goals. I just hope that maybe next time developing some motivation might take a less invalidating route.

I very much appreciate the people who are in my life to help me. Sometimes it's difficult to accept the help because it feels like, "I can't do this." I am tired of the fear. Sometimes it feels like I'm being thrown into the ocean to learn how to swim though. I know that's an extreme analogy, but I felt intensely afraid and it was a positive experience.

So I finished the 5K (3.2 miles) in 52 minutes. I do feel accomplished and very proud of myself. Rethinking about it all does bring up a lot of feeling of shame though. I feel bad that it was so emotionally difficult.

This morning I went to my first Cycle class at the fitness club. Wow. That is one of my goals. I think I can put a check-mark next to that one. The class was 60 minutes and I think I did great. I remember the last time I tried a class, I think I lasted 5 minutes before I walked out. It's negative experiences like that that make me afraid to try. I wish I knew how to have more faith in myself. Today, though, was great. I had fun. I like the instructor. And I know I will be adding that to my calendar in the future.

Now I'm a bit sore all over. My arms, legs, back, and sides. That's pretty much everything.

FEAR

So John nailed it on the head. It's fear. I'm terrified for tomorrow. I'm really anxious about the social aspect of this 5K walk. I've actually been totally freaking out about it. I just don't want to go.

I felt almost completely disconnected from John today. There was something very sad and stressful about that. He makes me laugh though. I love to see him smile, really smile.

So I can go or not go. I asked a couple of people if they would go with me to help ease the anxiety I'm having about it. They both said no. So it's all me. I think I'll be happy when this is over so I can get back to my regular schedule.

How am I going to do this?

The Onion Called Carmen

I felt very focused on talking time to peel back some of the layers of my life today. I've been bothered by the glimpse I had into myself while working out the other day. I understood for a moment that I am not who I think I am. There are the things I do, the things I think, and underneath it all, there is something else. I felt urgent in my desire to take some time to think about these things, until I talked to John. He had such a soothing effect on my soul. I struggled with thoughts and emotional urges more than any day we've trained. I almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Between his uncomfortable questions that highlighted my lack of relationships and the images on TV (and the memories that followed) I felt my heart race and my world close in. Almost instinctively, or maybe without any thought at all, he changed the subject and asked me some interesting questions that pulled me out of my head. He helped get me present and all back on the treadmill and he got me moving again. In a way I'm really embarrassed that he has seen some of the aspects about who I am that I hate the most. I feel weak is so many ways, and he sees them all. Somehow, though, I'm sure he doesn't judge me. I don't know why.

I love the way he hears me. He listens, and considers it for awhile. Sometimes a long while. Then he responds from a place of thought and contemplation, with such insight that I hardly know how to react sometimes. His ideas are so well formed that I don't feel like I have to time to chew on them until I get home. I wonder if he knows the power of his thinking and insight.

I disclosed to him that I would be sad for the day that this training relationship ends. All things do come to an end. I was encouraged that he'd consider being a friend beyond that time though. I can't imagine that things would be too terribly different if the professional lines weren't there and he was able to really "kick my ass," as he put it. Although we have some pretty great conversations, I do see our relationship as based in a professional place. What would happen if that changed. I wonder what thoughts or words get filtered because of the propriety required by his position, or mine.

I took down the photographs that were triggering for me. Now, it's time for me to peel my own image from the mirror. It's time for me to feast on my life.

On a side note, I think the last REALLY bad (a.k.a. good) meal I had was in New Orleans. That thin fried catfish with buttery potatoes. Oh that was a huge heap of fried heaven. Why doesn't our fried food taste that good???

Solitude

I'm feeling kind of emotional today. I'm having the thought that I should just give up. I'm having the thought that nobody likes me, that I'm an annoyance and a burden. I'm having the thought that I'm such a deep pool of negativity, that people don't want to talk to me. I feel like I don't belong. I feel broken and unlovable. I feel abandoned. I feel like I have to hold my sadness close because it's not acceptable to show that emotion. I feel it in my body. A tension that wraps around my chest and stomach. An all-over pain that isn't from working out or sleeping wrong. It feels like a pain from being wrong. My face feels heated as if I just wept. My mind feels numb. I want to be close to people, but my own melancholy has forced me into solitude. I have nothing to give, nothing to share with another person. Just my pain and my thoughts.

But I think that's not enough.

If I do have a place here, I'm in it now. This is my place. Accepting it is sad, lonely. But maybe there will be some liberation in embracing it.

On a lighter note, literally...

I am officially a new size. When I started 2 months ago I was at the upper end of a size 22-24 in pants and a 24-26 dress shirt. I am officially a size 20 pants now. In fact, the size 20 pants I got are not tight on me at all, the fit comfortably. I also got 2 size 20 tops, and they fit! My arms are still big so I have to look for a looser cut in the arms, but stuff sure is shrinking!

Getting Out Of My Own Way

I think it is going to take awhile for the dust to settle in my life. I have a daily practice to work on and I'm going to do it in combination with my workouts. Hopefully a paired commitment of complete and total effectiveness in every aspect of my life can help get me through this tough time. In the past it would have been easy to walk away and give up at a time like this, when everything feels too hard. This is a different day. I'm going to try the more difficult road today to see where it leads me.

My own thoughts get in my way and create intense suffering. Losing a close friend is sad, but the thoughts that reality shouldn't be this way make living through it hell. All I have right now is myself. What I thought were life-long close friends are distant, absent. My relationships all seem to be with people who are also living in the muck. I've been seeing the self-centered side of people as I go through this difficult time. Very few people take the time to ask how I'm feeling. I wish I had better relationships. But right now all I have to get through this is myself.

I'd like to include my trainer in the list of people I count as reliable in my life, along with my therapists. I'm not sure if this friendship will last past the time allotted because of the nature of our friendship. I'd like to believe that he would consider being a friend past the time we are spending together at the gym. I appreciate his insight into life. He is unique. I know my relationship with my therapist will go on long after I am officially graduated from DBT. She has invested so much into me and has gained my full trust. She gives me the stability I have always sought in relationships. She tries to see underneath the waves, underneath the behavior, to see me.

That's all I really want in this life, to be seen. Why is that the most difficult thing? I am going to try to embrace this life of solitude and cleansing. I find myself asking, "Who am I?" Without other people, who am I. Without my boyfriend, who am I. Without my best friends, who am I. Through all this pain, as I sit with the quiet and with the screaming, I feel like I am seeing myself for the first time. With all that has happened, I am able to begin getting out of my own way to see the person hidden beneath.

Who is this person?

Heat Something

I'm not really sure what happened today. I thought I was doing well. It was a bit of a rough day from the start with minor things burnt eggs. I walked 2 miles at a slower pace than yesterday, but really pushed myself in the second mile. My first clue could have been how warm I felt while walking on the treadmill. I thought I was doing well with my fluid intake. I just felt warm though. I figured it might have been a temperature difference in the building, but I'm now thinking it was my body. After the walk I did laundry. That's when I really started feeling awful. I felt crampy, nauseated, hot, clamy, and dizzy. I ate and had an apple and crackers before lunch. I kept drinking a lot of water, but I kept feeling worse. Finally, while I was shopping it hit me, the first of the stomach cramps. I went home and ended up curled on the floor for awhile with stomach and body cramps, a headache, nausea, and foggy thinking. Thank goodness for Russell and John's advice. I drank some electolyte fluid and ate a chocolate bar (Attune.) After a couple of hours of resting in a cool bed with a wet towel on my head and neck I started to feel better.

I got dizzy one other time after working out, but it was nothing like this. It really crept up on me and hit me hard. I still feel very thirsty. I've had 1.5 liters of water, 2 quarts of electrolyte fluid (zero cal Powerade), and I'm still drinking more water. I can't quench the thirst. I'm exhausted and still warm though, so I think I will try to get some sleep.

Of course, I feel bad for this heat episode. I feel like I shouldn't have done this. I should done a better job. I have the thoughts that: I'm weak, I'm stupid, I'm a burden on the world, All I do is annoy people, I should knock it off. It'd be a nice time to apply a little non-judgment and forgiveness to myself right now I think. It was almost 100 degrees outside today.

Clarity

This morning was kinda rough. I went to see John. He wanted me to go to the Pure Muscle class. I felt a bit off balance as it was. I cried off an on for an hour before I went to the fitness club so I was pretty emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. The class had already started. So I was late and that was dysregulating. Then someone near me kept talking. She was pretty judgmental. So that stacked on top of the environment made me feel overwhelmed. Ever time she talked I felt like she was talking about me. I finally started to get really upset, so I just left.

I was so afraid that John was going to be disappointed with me for not doing what he asked. I always try to do my best to do what he has asked me to do. I texted him and decided to do the treadmill. I was upset, angry, and I kept bursting into tears. I decided that I didn't want to think or feel, so I aimed at walking at a fast pace so I could trigger the rush of endorphins.

It worked, I turned up the music (the Industrialize Me station on Pandora) and kept pushing myself until the stream of thoughts, judgments, and anger calmed. Sometime after 2 miles John appeared next to me and asked what was wrong. I asked if we could talk about it later. He honored my request and I finished out my 3 miles.

3 miles in 51 minutes and 30 seconds!

I felt empty and clear at the same time. I have firmly decided that I don't like classes that go slow enough for people to chatter. I much prefer Turbo Kick with the loud music and constant exasperating movement. I know people are all too busy to notice me, talk to me, and upset me.

Maybe I can emotionally work up to going back to Pure Muscle, but that experience is exactly what branded my thought of going to the gym before. I hated it because I assume that if someone is that verbally judgmental of themselves, what must they be thinking about me.

I hope I never make anyone feel bad there while I'm criticizing myself. I hope I don't make anyone feel bad for any reason.

I never thought that going for a more advanced class was what I'd prefer. Turns out I still love the intensity.

Yeah, intensity.

A Beautiful Blur

At some point my worlds collided. This "fitness thing" used to be a separate part of my life. I put it into a separate section, a unique category, as a stand-alone event. At some point, I'm not really sure when, this became much more. It's maybe no surprise that at about the same time I started to really notice changes in my body. I'm not a separate me on the treadmill. I'm now simply just me. I still have moments of fear and anxiety. Sometimes, however, I just smile. An inner smile that comes from just breathing in something wonderful. At some point John became more himself to me as well. It's as if life itself has become more real, more vivid.

On Wednesday, on my drive home from Reno, the mountains looked especially colorful and splendid. I looked around and felt connected. I feel loved. I appreciate being able to take the next step

My blog changed too. This is becoming truly me. You will know much more about me if you read this than just what I've eaten.

I've been considering what it is that's left in me when it feels like there is nothing left of me. What is it that is left when true hope feels like it's evaporated. It's an interesting feeling. I used to walk around telling myself to hang on because the next moment might feel better. This past month, that thought hasn't worked so well for me. It feels as if at every turn, I've experienced more sadness, more grief. Even hopelessness. But there is something beneath even the hope that breathes life in me. Survivalism. Consciousness. Connectedness. Even if I know that the next moment might not be better, I hang on. Even if I know that the next moment might hurt, I keep on taking the next step. There is something very powerful in recognizing that even as parts of me feel stripped away, other parts are growing.

It's All Good

This post really has nothing to do with health, fitness, or eating well. Maybe eating well.

Sometimes when it's no good, it's all good. Today was a mindfulness battle. I kept feeling overwhelmed today and it's easy to throw in the towel, so to speak, and slip into mindless eating or mindless not eating. Today was different though. I kept taking a moment to drag my mind back to something in the present. Washing the fork. Washing the spoon. Hanging the blinds. Tapping on the keyboard. I also stuck to the meal plan as a way to be mindful of the taste of the food in my mouth.

By the time 5:30 rolled around, instead of feeling drained and overwhelmed, I felt refreshed. This is what Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about with how he wants his employees to feel working at the Mindfulness Stress Reduction Clinic. I was more productive than if I has been entrenched in worry or anxiety. I feel a lot better after working on this practice. Even though it took hours, it worked.

I think I had a great workout. I can't believe how much I sweat on the treadmill today. We did weights first, and wow, that really started me on a different track. I'm not sure if it was expending my energy before walking or if it was that i felt like I was working more. I sweat a lot though and felt great after my mile. It was 19 minutes and something seconds. I'm still now sure how I'll get to 3 miles in 50... but I'm holding that goal in awareness.

It felt amazing that John noticed something different about me today. I asked him what he noticed, and he said he thinks it's everything. Maybe mindfulness is a slimming look for me. Or maybe all this work is changing things in ways that I have a hard time seeing. I notice where my eyes fall when I look at myself. I see every flaw and imperfection, and there is a lot. So I'm not seeing the places that are changing as much as I'm seeing the places that aren't changing.

I wonder what John's personality type is. I think he is probably more intuitive than sensory since he noticed that something was different without being able to pinpoint exactly what was different. I think he is probably introverted with a slight extroverted streak. I think probably more I for sure though. Between thinking or feeling, I'm really not sure. It's usually pretty easy for me to pick that one out in someone, but with him it's not. I certainly have respect for his mind and his thought process. I'm gonna go with borderline between the two tending toward the F side. And perceptual and judgmental... that's another hard one. I'm gonna go with J though because of the role he is playing in my life to help me reign things in. He does seem to have a system of how things should work in his head and that is much more of a J trait. So what does that get us to. INFJ. How did this end up being the blog of analyzing my trainer's meyers briggs type? For sure, Idealist Counselor. If that's the case our relationship pair is Advisor: each has an area of insight the other lacks. Sounds exactly right to me as his insight always surprises me.

Goddess Time

I'm trying to incorporate more movement into my days to keep my muscles from feeling cramped after working out. I noticed that I felt really afraid to go for it and exert myself in Turbo Kick yesterday. I was afraid of pushing my muscles so much that I'd be in pain for the rest of the week. I'm not really sure where the limit is for me, but I think I passed on the day we did toning. The people in the class really seem to love toning. I can't say I'm a huge fan of it at the moment. I don't want my fear of overexertion to keep me from doing the best I can do in my workouts. So I'm going to start doing short sessions of yoga or other movement at home.

Today, being Sunday, is my default day of rest. For the most part, if I stick to my intended schedule for the week, Sundays should be free of "gym time." So I decided today to get a fun video off the shelf and have some Goddess Time.

This video is a series of gentle movements that gets the muscles warmed up and relaxed. That's exactly what I needed today. It also has some great reminders to stay mindful and in my body. I'm not the most graceful person, but after an hour of moving like a Goddess, I'm feeling pretty confident.

When The Body Speaks

Today I wasn't sure if I was scheduled to meet with John or not. I made a mistake on my calendar and accidentally had myself scheduled to see someone in Reno today. So I figured that I could have just as easily accidentally put John on the calendar for the wrong day or time. It turns out we were scheduled for this morning. So I'm glad I didn't miss it.

I started a little after 9am and walked for almost 40 minutes. I still haven't quite regained my composure. Nothing I have done to this point has felt anything like today did. Before John joined me I was feeling pretty dysregulated, pretty emotional. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do well today. When he joined me he kept cranking up the intensity. He has set a pretty high goal for me. I'm not really sure how I'll get there or when, but there it is. The goal is 3 miles in 50 minutes. So in service of reaching that goal, he kept turning it up. I felt it each time. My mind finally slipped into a place a complete pleasure. The feeling of pleasure was so intense in my brain that all thinking stopped. Each moment that went by sustained the feeling in my body and I finally gave into fully experiencing it. There was nothing going on there about thoughts of attraction or intentional sensuality. The feeling was deeply physical. I kept wanting to be able to think until John told me I don't have to. Being released from the binds of thinking felt like the ultimate pleasure.

What the spirit seeks, the mind will follow. When the body speaks, all else is hollow.

I didn't sweat near as much as Dave in this video. But the moment was just as sexy.

What the fuck is "simmer"?

What I really want is life is precision. What I practice is chaos. I am so determined not to give up on this path I've chosen for myself. Today when the opportunity presented itself to justify the decision to eat hot dogs and hamburgers, I reminded myself of why I'm doing this. Sometimes the reason I give is because I don't want to disappoint John. Sometimes I say it's because I just "can't". Today, however, it was an active mindful decision to do what would be effective for achieving my goals. It was a decision to practice the values I want to build in my life.

I suppose I could have eaten more fruit. I felt bad for eating what seemed like too much sugar in the morning though. Honestly, I think I had a distorted perception of reality from the moment I woke up. I was pretty out of sync with the bad dream I had last night. I felt guilty again. I felt like I was still to blame for another person's decision. Logically, I know that's not reality. When I woke up this morning, though, it sure felt real.

I guess it might also be "that time of the month." I don't know... time escapes me these days. That might explain the dizziness and crabbiness today. The emotional roller coaster I'm on also might be pretty well defined by my lack of sleep, lack of eating, and general bad luck these days.

Something has to go right sometime, right?

I am comforted by the precision of my work. I only wish I could make my life fit into a nice standard operating procedure. Life isn't a test tube though. It's messy. I wish I could control my mind. I guess it feels pretty good to at least be able to control what I eat. Making rice eludes me because everyone says to "simmer" it. What is the precise definition of simmer? What temperature at what elevation? For how long? How would I measure that?

And how do I measure progress in my life?

If life were like making brittle, I'd have it down. Give me a number, a target, an objective with subtasks and I'll do it. Leave me to asses right and wrong in the context of my own life, and I'm a wreck.

I feel bad for not being up to working out. I feel like a failure. But what else is new? I guess the effective thing to do right now would be to eat, rest, and prepare for tomorrow. I feel bad for "falling off" so often though. I imagine that most people don't melt down as much as I do. Or maybe everyone else is better at hiding it... or at just doing what needs to be done. I feel needy and whiny. I feel like I'm relentlessly hammering the nails into my hands to crucify myself for not being as "good" as everyone else is. I guess it's time to make the decision to just do what's effective for this moment. I can do that. Sleep.

Meal Planning Board

I made a meal planning board with all the creativity I could muster up. I can shift the tiles around to build my meals for the week. Hopefully this will help me plan better for what to prepare and what to shop for. I kept forgetting to buy things I needed for my meals. I also found it difficult to constantly refer to my meal plan pages when I was in a hurry.

I really noticed what a rich variety I have in these three simple plans. I am getting to know what to look for when picking something to add to the meal. I'm reading labels. I'm researching healthy cooking ideas and recipes to do the most with the ingredients I can use now. I'm learning what thyme adds to a chicken breast. I'm learning how essential fresh lemons are. I'm using a wide variety of ingredients to prepare my meals. I'm making a production of dinner and taking my time when I eat the carefully prepared food. I'm appreciating every sweet thing I am allowed in my day: fruit, yogurt, coffee. I'm getting to know what hungry feels like. I'm getting to know what satiety feels like.

This is so much fun!

Strange Highs and Strange Lows

Whatever it is that's left when sadness has stripped away the hope is whats flowing in my blood right now. This journey, to be fit, has been one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done. It's so much like therapy that it truly is a metaphor for life. I keep going even though I sometimes don't see any results. I go when it feels good. I go when it feels awful. And very luckily, I have found a wonderful human being who has been willing to teach me and lead me through the tough times, and the good.

I see the root of my suffering clearly on days like today. Today was difficult. I was anxious and nervous just like on the first day I went. I assumed everyone was judging me. Even if they were, their judgments could not have compared with the cruel stream of thought I had about myself. I nearly made myself cry when I acknowledged them. "You're ugly, you're no good at this, things will never get better, you are worthless."

Even still, there was something that kept me there. Knowing, really, that things will be different even if I can't see it right now. Knowing that staying was the effective decision, even though it was anxiety provoking. Staying even while the judgments and assessments streamed through my head... until something was different.

Faith, even if it is only in the knowledge that something seems to happen after 20 minutes on the treadmill, is becoming something I can believe in. Something calms in my mind. Something gives me release and I'm able to smile again. I feed proud of myself. I feel like I'm moving forward.

John is right. I know where the other road leads. The only way to go in this life for me is forward. The other road leads to places that are dark and hopeless. And I know what my habits are when I have no hope. He speaks from a place of knowing without having known me for more than several hours. When I first met him I was very intimidated by him because I assumed he was judging me. Now I am able to look in his eyes as he speaks plainly and truthfully with me. He encourages me. He pushes me. He knows I can do it. I'm not sure how he knows, but when I hear his sincerity, I can't help but believe him.

I need a reminder of the moments I had on the treadmill today. I thought, "If every moment in life was like this one, there would be no suffering." I suppose the statement itself contains attachment that might eventually lead to suffering. It has the feeling of liking this moment more than that one. It has the feeling that I want to keep this moment even as it passes. I guess that's something for me to think more about. But I want that moment on the treadmill today to be the one I think of when I want to remember that things will be different, that things have been different. I want to remember how it felt to know that John was telling me the truth even as I tried to voice that I didn't believe him. In my heart, I did. I look up to him so much, and trust him so much that it embarrasses me. I'm afraid for him to know how I feel about him and the relationship that has been built. I used to think of my meeting with him like business. Now it's pure pleasure (except for all the pain.) Strange.

Now That's Independence!

Turbo Kick This

I went to my first Turbo Kick class today. I was nervous, of course. I decided that I needed some pretty big distraction to give my mind a break from the sadness.

I'm so glad I went. The instructor was awesome. She helped me get oriented and I didn't spend much time feeling lost. I was pouring sweat and having fun. I think I look funny when I punch and kick. I get distracted by how my fat looks when it's flopping around. Maybe someday I won't have that distraction. Or maybe one day I will be able to look at myself with a little more kindness and a little less judgment. I try to look at myself in the eye (eyes?) when I workout. I just try to think that I'm going to do my best, even if I think I look funny. It's getting easier to just do and not think so much.

Hopefully these fitness lessons migrate their way into my everyday-mind. More being, less thinking.

Industrial Strength

It's been a hard week. It's good to be home.

I went to go visit my family last week. That tends to be a difficult thing in the best of times. On my way down to Southern California, I found out that a close friend passed away. I cried all the way down. I found my dad while on the trip. He's not in good condition right now, it was extremely difficult to see him in that state. I got into a fight (a real one) with my sister. (And I feel awful for it.) And when it finally totally sunk in that my boyfriend is not able support me like I need him to, I broke up with him.

My head is spinning and my heart is broken.

I didn't eat all that great while I was in So Cal. Mostly, I was undereating. It's so hard to eat well while traveling. I went to a boot camp class at a fitness place down in So Cal on a day when I ate well. God I felt like I was gonna die. But I lived, with my knees temporarily a little worse for wear. Nothing more walking won't help. When I finally melted down after the fight with my sister, I ate a ton of sugar. I'm trying not to feel to bad about it given the intensity of what I was feeling on that drive home.

I felt so bad about it that day though (along with everything else that had been going on) that I texted my trainer to tell him that I was falling apart. I feel so afraid that I am becoming an annoyance to him. That is really the last thing I want to do. His words have been a real comfort to me. It's so validating for him to see me when he sees me. I get the feeling that he sees more of who I am than many people in my life. I don't know... maybe I just look like a mess to him. Maybe I'm just wanting to believe that he gets me because I feel so alone with my pain right now.

Why does life have to crash down all at once?

So after a day of serious rest, sleep, and eating well, I hit it pretty hard with two great workouts. Today i did a video at home after going to Reno called Industrial Strength. This work out still totally, completely kicks my ass. I am going to make it thru this workout someday! I'm going to keep hanging on. I'm going to keep on living my life. I'm going to try to ask my sister to forgive me. I'm going to keep looking deeply into who I am. Right now, doing what I believe to be the mindful path is taking some real strength. Getting back on track and not giving up... on life... is taking some real strength.

iphone Madness

I never thought I'd ever find myself standing in line with "i" people, but that's exactly what happened today. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't kicked out of line for sporting a Droid. Because I wasn't expecting to be standing in line for 3.5 hours with my friend, I didn't get a chance to work out today. After the iphone madness my sister made me a raw spaghetti dinner, nori rolls, and a cinnamon apple desert. The raw spaghetti wasn't quite my thing. The sauce was pretty good. It tasted way better than I expected it to. The cucumber spaghetti though, was not my thing. The nori rolls were awesome. I'd love to learn how to make them.

I had a great evening talking to my cousin. It feels so good to be home. It feels so good to be able to spend time with the family.

It is important, really important, to remember why I'm on this journey. Honor the people you love by being present. Cherish your friends for the people they are. Eat good food with people you love. Enjoy the moments that string together to make life.

This may be deeper than I've gotten in this blog. I'm feeling enormously sad and I'm really doing a lot of thinking about friends and relationships today. I knew this trip was going to be a lot about connecting to people in my life again. What I didn't know that I would find out that I lost a close friend on the day I drove down to southern California. The connecting feels so much more urgent now. I miss my friend and feel a bit lost and tossed.

I ate a serving of chips today. It felt like a bit of a reward for a long day of emotional bouncing.

What I'm getting at is that this is the why. This is why I'm working on something new to change my life. This is why I'm getting uncomfortable. This is why I am ok with getting blisters on my arches. This is why I'm learning to sweat. I want to live.

I choose life.

60 Minutes

Today my trainer couldn't meet with me. He asked me to do 60 minutes of cardio: 30 on the treadmill and 30 on the bike. I almost went into shock when he said 60 minutes. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I don't think we've done that much yet. It was tough but I did it.

Earlier today I almost twisted my ankle. I didn't have much pain right afterwards, but during the workout I could feel the soreness in the ankle. I was able to walk thorough it and the pain subsided. I hope I did the right thing. I'm pretty sure I didn't injure it or anything.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing while I'm on vacation. If I don't get a chance to touch bases with my trainer on it I will work up a schedule for myself. I guess I'll shoot for 60 minutes a day since I have the time.

New Shoes

I bought some new shoes this weekend. I picked up a pair of New Balance shoes. They feel great so far with my inserts. I'm loving shopping for new work out gear. I totally wasn't prepared for working out 5-6 days a week. I keep running out of socks. I picked up some of those too this weekend. I had no idea how expensive good work out clothes were. I'm keeping my eyes peeled for deals.

With all the money this is costing, it will be a bittersweet day when I lose enough weight to need a new size.

Suffering and Conquering

I hate when do that thing were I choose to cling to my suffering. It's hard to do anything else sometimes. I now have a new reason to stop clinging. When I'm suffering emotionally, exercise is painful. My workout on Tuesday felt like a miserable uphill battle for the entire 15 minutes I was at it. (It wasn't uphill.) The next day, equipped with a new attitude, I conquered the treadmill. I'm noticing changes in my body. My clothes are getting baggy. Clothes I haven't been able to wear now fit. Beyond that though, I feel like everyday I go in to the fitness club I build a bit of mastery. It's becoming my fitness club. That feels kinda good.

I ate at subway today. I wasn't expecting to break down in Carson City, so I was there much longer than expected. It turns out that cars need oil to run. Humph.

I'm hoping to have a lot of time to cook on my days off in Cali. I wonder if I should pack my own knifes and cutting board so I can chop to my hearts desire while I'm there. Ohhh fresh everything!

I see John again tomorrow. I hope I make him proud. I really look up to him. The more I learn about him, the deeper my respect for him and trust in him grows.

Sizzled Citrus Shrimp Kabobs

I made these kabobs for our staff bbq at work. I was worried about being tempted with the hamburgers, hot dogs, and snacks that day. With these lovely, colorful, yummy kabobs I didn't feel tempted one bit! They had sizzled citrus shrimp, celery, pineapple, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, mushroom, and broccoli. They were great summer treat!

2 miles, 45 minutes. 2 miles!

2 miles, 45 minutes. 2 miles!

I was on my own today. I was proud of how I did on my walk today. Yesterday was rough. The trainer called it because I was just in a funk. I feel tons better today after a lot of talking, sleeping, cooking, and love.

I came home for lunch today and made some broiled chicken for a wrap. Speed cooking!

This evening I prepared the kabobs for tomorrows bbq at work. I thought I might be suffering while everyone ate burgers and hot dogs, but my kabobs look awesome. Cooking this evening was very comforting. Chopping is it's own form of meditation.

Epic Fail

This weekend sucked. I did all of my exercise "homework" while my trainer was away, so that was an accomplishment. I even jogged to keep up with Russell on Saturday. It wasn't very far, but I was pretty proud of myself. We walked a nice loop around his neighborhood.

Saturday I got talked into going to a greasy spoon. My plan was to get the least evil thing on the menu. I was thinking ham and eggs. But darn it, there was a whole mess of delicious looking hash browns on the plate. I really ate too many calories. It tasted SO good though. I can say for sure that at the moment, it was worth it. I'm just afraid to get punished for my stupidity. I had healthy food packed in my cooler in the car. But it felt like I had two puppies begging me to go, so I gave in.

And then there was Sunday. I woke up with a migraine. I think this headache had been brewing for a few days. On Sunday it was full blown with blurry vision and nausea. I just didn't want to eat. I didn't want to move. I kept taking ibuprofen and sleeping. I was planning on going home in the early afternoon, but my laundry wasn't done. I kinda got overwhelmed with how I felt, and how it felt like nothing was going right, and left with some of my laundry, none of my blankets, and got Mc Donald's on the way home. I didn't really feel very bad about it because I was feeling so sick.

One thing is for sure, when I stay with Russell I have to go shopping for ALL of my food while I'm there. There is too much distraction in his apartment with chips and snacks. I have to go prepared or make him come over to see me next time.

Miso Glazed Salmon

I was delighted to finally find miso in my local Raley's market. My evening was pretty difficult, and I was looking forward to trying a new recipe. I made the miso glaze and decided that I wanted some tea while I cook. So, without thinking I put the glass pan on down on the range and started some water for tea. The only problem was that I left turned on the wrong burner. While I was washing dishes there was an explosion!!! There were about a billion shards of glass everywhere, and my miso was ruined.

It was late, I was exhausted... and hungry. But both I and the cats were terrified, and I had to get the glass cleaned up. What seemed like hours later... I finally sat down to enjoy my first dish made with miso. It was great, I just wish that blood, sweat, and tears didn't have to be involved.

Yay for miso. Boo for bad days.

Running Together

Wednesdays and Thursdays run together. Wednesday is such a long day with the workout before work and my weekly trip to Reno. And when I wake up Thursday, I still feel exhausted.

I'm going to be on antibiotics for 10 days. That means I have to eat yogurt to keep my good bacterias in semi-balance. I will have to plan that into my snacks of breakfasts to make sure I don't over-do the calories.

Have I mentioned that I'm exhausted?

Yesterday I walked 1.5 miles. Today I biked 5 miles. At least in theory.

I was craving sweets when I went to the store. I never realized a hostess pie was so many calories... more than dinner was. I couldn't get it, so I settled for some yogurt.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired?

Thought so.

I'm Warming Up To This

Today, I decided to try trusting my trainer's sunshine-attitude, and give feeling better a try. I was feeling kinda sad today, for no real reason. I really had to push through eating my lunch. Russell is right, my jaw isn't used to this much chewing. Taco Bell kinda slides into your belly with little effort. Salad, on the other hand is a lot of work. Anyhow, during the work out I really only focused on doing it. I looked up at the tv screens not to watch them, but to focus on something. The muscles in my inner thigh were aching. I imagined myself riding to Whittier College again. Maybe soon I will find myself pedaling up that hill to get to the science building. After the spinning, I did feel a bit better. Building mastery. Accomplished.

I still feel warm, even after my cool shower. I feel strength in my body, and I like how it feels. I wish the working out helped me to sleep better. I still have nightmares. Thursday night I will have to sleep without the Ambien, so I'll have a chance to see if my sleeping has changed at all.

Hmm

Does tea count as hydration?

Today Was Hard

My workout today was really difficult. My legs were cramping and I was sweating buckets. I didn't eat too well all day. I didn't want to finish my food, skipped the afternoon snack till right before my workout, and snacked on an egg as my salmon was cooking. That's what I get. I knew I had to eat my food, but I just didn't feel like finishing anything. I also don't think I got enough water. While I was cooking my salmon I had a couple brief waves of dizziness... I will try to remember this the next time I don't feel like eating!

My trainer really is a good guy. I'm not sure if he tries to be, but I think he is very patient with people he works with. He is certainly patient with me. I know I made the right choice in choosing to work with him. I think of his smiling face when I want to eat ice cream.

OK... I'm confessing. I'm eating a Dryers Fruit Bar... I'm not sure this will fly with the trainer... but I want cold, fruity comfort.

I think that choosing to work with a trainer is really about recognizing that I need help. I could try to do this alone, sure. And probably with some decent success with the commitment I have. But, just like with other things, having help ensures that I stay on the path to meeting my goals. It is validating and a reminder of how much I can do with hard work and a bit of advice. It helps me to see things from another perspective. And what would I do if I started and felt that pain in my leg? I probably would have gone home and called myself defective. Now I'm working through it. Step. Step. Step.

I feel so noob at this, but that's what also makes it so exciting!

A Bit Sore

I'm feeling it in my arms today from the strength training yesterday. I know I've lost some inches because a pair of pants that didn't fit 2 weeks ago not fit. They are snug, but I could button them, so that was exciting. If several more weeks maybe I can put them into the cycle!

I went in and walked today. I wasn't expecting to see my trainer's smiling face there, but he was there. I did good today. I hit the 1 mile mark at 19 minutes 36 seconds. I walked a total of 1.46 miles today.

I bought a sports bra. I had no idea I'd be a racer-back sports bra kind of gal, but it was comfortable. Expect to see some of those on my wish list soon!

Holy Crap!

I wasn't even sure that I was committed enough to go for a second sweaty walk in a single day. But I am here, sweating. I put it off and put it off, then finally set a time and said I'd go. I started out in the neighborhood, but it was too dark for comfort so I treaded around the apartment complex, covering every paved area at least once. The sky was beautiful and clear. The breeze felt wonderful and kept me cool and refreshed.

The pain in my leg seems to have moved up closer toward the calf. I wonder if the pain will make it's way through my body as I strengthen muscles I haven't really used in years. Will I always be in such pain when I'm walking? I wonder if there will ever come a day when I can workout and just sweat. Pushing through the muscle cramps is the hardest part of walking, even more difficult than being ok with the sweat.

Dinner was ok. I am going to start a wish list of things that I want to help me on my quest. My turkey was a bit dry. I think it would have helped to have had a dutch oven, as suggested in the recipe. I don't think my foil cut it. I also think I need to learn how to butterfly a turkey breast properly. And it would have maybe helped if I put the ingredients in the right places. I went a little nuts on the onions. ONIONS! I never thought I'd be chopping onions for my dinner!

Now, to sleep!

Spiral Stuffed Turkey Breast with Cider Gravy

Wow... this was maybe the hardest meal I've ever made in my life! I had to confront my fear of flesh and prepare the turkey breast. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it with the ribs intact an all. But I just thought of Julie deboning the duck and did my best. I'm not sure i butterflied it right, but I was able to roll it into a little meat cylinder anyhow. It should be ready soon, and I'm so excited to taste my hard-earned creation!

This cookbook, The Essential Eating Well Cookbook, is the best thing that has ever happened to my cooking life. It's really making eating well and doing something "new" a real pleasure! I guess there is joy to be had in cooking.

We started weights today. I was so excited. We stood in front of the big mirror and I worked my arms. I feel so proud of myself I could just giggle!

I am aiming to go for another 30 minute walk after dinner. I think I'll declare this day a "holiday." I'm going to celebrate walking 2 times in a day, starting weights with my trainer, clean floors, happy cats, and the freshness of my life.

It's funny how someone's advice, in passing could make such an impact on my life. This is new!

Soggy Wraps

I think I have to practice this wrap recipe. My tortilla was all soggy when I ate it. Not fun. I'm really exhausted... in a good way. I'm going to drink some tea and try to unwind so I can go to bed early and be ready to see John tomorrow. He said we might try some weights. Exciting, something new!

I tried to find miso today, fail. Why is miso so hard to find? Who wouldn't want fermented soy paste?

My Crotch Hurts

... the muscles in my crotch area, I guess. My upper, inner legs muscles... I don't know what the heck they are called. The slower I went the more it hurt. Isn't that backwards? Woo I had fun today. I did 2 different things. A mile on the treadmill and 2 on the bike where your legs are forward. I still feel warm and like I'm slightly burning in my upper body. I did things with my arms today while I was walking like holding them in toward my chest and out to the sides. I think that's what I'm feeling.

I'm so proud of myself. Can I say, "woo" again?

I'm going to make a wrap to take with me to Reno and pack my snacks. I need to swing by the office to pick up my cooler.

What to put in the wrap? Hmmm...

Why is breakfast so hard?

I see the trainer at 9am today, in an hour. I'm trying to eat the breakfast I started working on 30 minutes ago. Why is it so hard to eat breakfast? I feel pretty hungry, but have no desire to eat. I think that's why I used to avoid feeling hungry. I don't like how it feels to not want to eat when I am hungry. I wonder if that's some sort of disorder.

My upper body muscles are feeling a bit more noticeably sore. I think this is Aric, the massage therapists, work. I had so much tension in my arms and neck. It was pretty intense.

I wonder what we're doing today. I wonder if I will be walking everyday. I think maybe he said the bike. I'm thinking about trying to go to one of the classes my friend Chuck teaches. I wonder if it would feel like being instructed at a Magic tournament. Wow my mind is all over the place today. Let me try to get myself collected before I head out to treadmill heaven.

A Cooler and A Wrap

I now have a plan for travel days. I'll have to bring home my cooler from the office and reclaim some of my blue ice. I also have to find or create a little wrap recipe for travel days. John gave me some ideas, but I didn't write them down... so guess what... I forgot. I bought the green tortillas... so I'll start there and find something yummy to put inside.

The pain in my right leg is getting a bit better. (I think... I don't remember doing any inclines today so I'm not so sure.)

He asked me what the hardest part of doing all of this has been so far. If you know me, then you know that I have about a billion self-judgments. That has been the hardest part. It helps to be meeting someone at the gym who is on my side. Having the trainer there has helped me to stay present when the stream of thinking starts to distract me from what I'm doing. Hopefully this will develop into a new habit for me. It truly is a metaphor for life. I go, I'm uncomfortable, I feel out of place, I assume others are judging me, I judge myself, and I breathe. I notice I'm breathing, I notice I'm stepping. Step. Step. Step. Then I notice I'm sweating and that John is talking to me. I notice what he is saying and I notice the spot on the machine in front of me. I keep doing it over and over. Thoughts pop in, judgments creep in, and I keep noticing. And I keep going.

There is also a huge amount of self-validation and self-care that has come of this. Chopping the onions for my meal, shopping for shoes, and washing my work out clothes are all ways to take care of myself. It's like putting on a band-aid. Oh, and putting on band-aids, that is huge validation. I hurt and will care for myself. It's easy to think of in terms of a blister. But I am doing the same thing on the bigger scale. I hurt and I will care for myself.

This may be the most introspective I've been since starting.

Tonight for dinner was my new favorite, Ginger Steamed Tilapia with Chile Garlic Sauce and broccoli. YUM!

The Custom

We have a custom in my office of going out to eat at a restaurant for staff meetings. The places on our list to go pretty much have food that aren't in my meal plan or have food I don't want to eat. So my plan today is to eat my salad before we got at noon so that I won't have to eat when we go. I am a little bit afraid to feel like a social outcast for not eating with the group, but I really don't want to blow it for the day because of a meeting tradition.

Last night was a little difficult. I drive to Reno, an hour away every week for meetings and appointments. (Last night I have a wonderful massage with my favorite massage therapist among other things.) And I don't get back home until 9pm. I am either driving or sitting in meetings, and I don't usually take food with me. I tried eating my afternoon snack, cottage cheese, while driving, and that was a messy undertaking. And I was starving after the meeting. I stopped at Super Burrito and got 2 chicken soft tacos with nothing on them. I forgot how big those tacos are, I maybe could have lived on one. I'm not sure how they prepare their meat, but it tastes boiled.

I really have to talk to my trainer about Reno days so I can have a plan for eating on the go. I really don't want to have to pack an ice chest on those days. I already look like a mule carrying a large assortment of Rubbermaid containers to work every day with my meals and snacks for the 10-hour day.

Done By 6

Last night I got my schedule from my trainer and it included a 3 mile ride on the stationary bike at some point today. I have to drive up to Reno today, so I didn't think I had time to take off from work early enough to get to the gym and shower before I had to go. So that left one option. When I woke up at 5:18, I knew it was "now or never." As soon as I got to .1 miles I thought, "WTF was I thinking?" But I was already there with my butt on the bike so I figured I should at least trudge through. To my surprise the sweat kicked on and I felt pretty good by the time 3 miles rolled around.

Now all I have to do is focus on eating well for the day. I have to figure out how to navigate around my trip to Reno this evening. If I wait to eat until I get back I will be starving and crabby. Why doesn't anyone sell good meals on the go?

Hope is a Rope

I was so nervous to go see the trainer today. I don't know why I always feel like he is going to yell at me. I guess it's because I'm letting him into some pretty sensitive areas of my life. He knows my weight, that means he is in the inner circle by default. I don't want to disappoint him. The only person I should be trying not to disappoint is myself. (Did you just catch that judgment? I slipped it on in there.)

I had an amazing workout today. That ankle pain that has been plaguing me gave me a rest half way through the treadmill walk. After that I was able to pick up the pace to a speedy 3mph! I was hit with a totally euphoric sensation and couldn't help but smile. Is that the endorphin release I have heard about but never experienced before? I can see why this feeling can be addicting.

We didn't start "cross-training" today. I hope we get to it soon so I can stop biting my lip in anticipation!

Hope is a rope and I'm hanging on!

Breakfast Failure

I just didn't feel like eating breakfast this morning. The grapefruit sat next to me all morning and my upset stomach was dreading more food. I think I need to incorporate my cooking expedition into my meal plans by preparing nutritional information and correct portion sizes for some of the foods I'm enjoying preparing. I'm pretty sure my portion size for the shrimp wasn't right. Or maybe for the potato or both.

I see John this evening at 6:15. He said we'll start crosstraining this week. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm nervous and excited. Do I wear my ankle support or not? I feel so noob at this.

Ache

Today I feel really achy. My legs ache, I suppose that is a good sign. I wonder how long it will take for the muscles in my legs to quit this annoying cramping. The muscles in my right leg get so cramped and tired when I exercise that my foot begins to drag. I feel like an idiot when it happens.

I'm moving slowly with breakfast since I no longer have my meal plans printed out. One of the cats, probably Stefani, peed on the meal plan. It's a good thing I scanned it, but it left me feeling pretty lost this morning. I need to put them in a binder.

I finally found grapefruit, so half of one is sitting on my desk waiting to be eaten. Maybe this headache will go away if I eat one.

1 mile + Shrimp

Today I walked one very difficult mile at the gym (without my trainer by my side to push me). I did my best to push myself. My right ankle hurt so much, but I did sweat enough to make any man proud. I'm wonder if I hurt less when the trainer is there, or if the pain really was worse today. I did my best to tune out the people around me and just focus on sweating.

For dinner I made sizzled citrus shrimp and baked potato wedges. The shrimp was amazing. I didn't have the courage to cook raw shrimp, so I used the precooked ones. The shrimp was 171 calories per serving (I had 2). I think I went wrong with the baked potato... too many calories today. Next time I should have broccoli or some other lower calorie veggie with the shrimp and a much smaller potato serving, if any.

Anyhow the shrimp was absolutely amazing. I hope the trainer approves!