Running on Fumes

I haven't been tracking my food for the past couple of days. I've been trying to keep myself upright mentally, and it's been difficult. I found out that my friend's death was ruled a suicide. Finding that out on Thursday was like reliving her loss. I've been grieving her loss for a month since I found out. It's been a rough road. Thursday was like lighting the vapors. I was already feeling emotionally fragile from everything, now so much more emotion has been added to the pile. I suspected that it might have been a suicide, but hoped with all my being that it wasn't.

The first thing to go out the window was the eating. I just haven't wanted to eat. I haven't been tracking my calories but I'm sure that I'm not eating enough. I'm skipping snacks or meals because I often feel so overwhelmed with emotion that I just cry. At my trainers urging I went to Turbo Kick anyways on Thursday. I got confused in middle of class and ended up breaking down crying. The combination of the heat with my lack of eating and emotional distress pretty much shut down my brain for awhile. I felt so bad about my little breakdown in class that I just wanted to hide. I thought everyone would judge me and think I'm weak. It took awhile to understand that anyone might feel this devastated after losing a close friend to suicide. Yesterday I went to Zumba for the first time. That was the instructor I really liked from Cycle. Too bad she isn't teaching cycle today. She makes me smile.

Yesterday was a little better. I received some much needed validation that I am, in fact, dealing with this like a "normal person." I was feeling worried that I might lose my mind with the intensity of the grief I felt. Now I know that's just natural.

My calorie intake over the past two days coupled with the stress of not sleeping well, emotional drain, heat, and social anxiety have made it difficult to exercise. But I am really focusing on the fact that I tried. Even at this time, when it feels like I'm going to melt into tears, I'm still trying to hang onto life.

Today I'm starting with a good breakfast and water. Then I'm going to go to cycle. And then, who knows, this might turn out to be a very different day from there.