Clarity

This morning was kinda rough. I went to see John. He wanted me to go to the Pure Muscle class. I felt a bit off balance as it was. I cried off an on for an hour before I went to the fitness club so I was pretty emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. The class had already started. So I was late and that was dysregulating. Then someone near me kept talking. She was pretty judgmental. So that stacked on top of the environment made me feel overwhelmed. Ever time she talked I felt like she was talking about me. I finally started to get really upset, so I just left.

I was so afraid that John was going to be disappointed with me for not doing what he asked. I always try to do my best to do what he has asked me to do. I texted him and decided to do the treadmill. I was upset, angry, and I kept bursting into tears. I decided that I didn't want to think or feel, so I aimed at walking at a fast pace so I could trigger the rush of endorphins.

It worked, I turned up the music (the Industrialize Me station on Pandora) and kept pushing myself until the stream of thoughts, judgments, and anger calmed. Sometime after 2 miles John appeared next to me and asked what was wrong. I asked if we could talk about it later. He honored my request and I finished out my 3 miles.

3 miles in 51 minutes and 30 seconds!

I felt empty and clear at the same time. I have firmly decided that I don't like classes that go slow enough for people to chatter. I much prefer Turbo Kick with the loud music and constant exasperating movement. I know people are all too busy to notice me, talk to me, and upset me.

Maybe I can emotionally work up to going back to Pure Muscle, but that experience is exactly what branded my thought of going to the gym before. I hated it because I assume that if someone is that verbally judgmental of themselves, what must they be thinking about me.

I hope I never make anyone feel bad there while I'm criticizing myself. I hope I don't make anyone feel bad for any reason.

I never thought that going for a more advanced class was what I'd prefer. Turns out I still love the intensity.

Yeah, intensity.