Strange Highs and Strange Lows

Whatever it is that's left when sadness has stripped away the hope is whats flowing in my blood right now. This journey, to be fit, has been one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done. It's so much like therapy that it truly is a metaphor for life. I keep going even though I sometimes don't see any results. I go when it feels good. I go when it feels awful. And very luckily, I have found a wonderful human being who has been willing to teach me and lead me through the tough times, and the good.

I see the root of my suffering clearly on days like today. Today was difficult. I was anxious and nervous just like on the first day I went. I assumed everyone was judging me. Even if they were, their judgments could not have compared with the cruel stream of thought I had about myself. I nearly made myself cry when I acknowledged them. "You're ugly, you're no good at this, things will never get better, you are worthless."

Even still, there was something that kept me there. Knowing, really, that things will be different even if I can't see it right now. Knowing that staying was the effective decision, even though it was anxiety provoking. Staying even while the judgments and assessments streamed through my head... until something was different.

Faith, even if it is only in the knowledge that something seems to happen after 20 minutes on the treadmill, is becoming something I can believe in. Something calms in my mind. Something gives me release and I'm able to smile again. I feed proud of myself. I feel like I'm moving forward.

John is right. I know where the other road leads. The only way to go in this life for me is forward. The other road leads to places that are dark and hopeless. And I know what my habits are when I have no hope. He speaks from a place of knowing without having known me for more than several hours. When I first met him I was very intimidated by him because I assumed he was judging me. Now I am able to look in his eyes as he speaks plainly and truthfully with me. He encourages me. He pushes me. He knows I can do it. I'm not sure how he knows, but when I hear his sincerity, I can't help but believe him.

I need a reminder of the moments I had on the treadmill today. I thought, "If every moment in life was like this one, there would be no suffering." I suppose the statement itself contains attachment that might eventually lead to suffering. It has the feeling of liking this moment more than that one. It has the feeling that I want to keep this moment even as it passes. I guess that's something for me to think more about. But I want that moment on the treadmill today to be the one I think of when I want to remember that things will be different, that things have been different. I want to remember how it felt to know that John was telling me the truth even as I tried to voice that I didn't believe him. In my heart, I did. I look up to him so much, and trust him so much that it embarrasses me. I'm afraid for him to know how I feel about him and the relationship that has been built. I used to think of my meeting with him like business. Now it's pure pleasure (except for all the pain.) Strange.