The Onion Called Carmen

I felt very focused on talking time to peel back some of the layers of my life today. I've been bothered by the glimpse I had into myself while working out the other day. I understood for a moment that I am not who I think I am. There are the things I do, the things I think, and underneath it all, there is something else. I felt urgent in my desire to take some time to think about these things, until I talked to John. He had such a soothing effect on my soul. I struggled with thoughts and emotional urges more than any day we've trained. I almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Between his uncomfortable questions that highlighted my lack of relationships and the images on TV (and the memories that followed) I felt my heart race and my world close in. Almost instinctively, or maybe without any thought at all, he changed the subject and asked me some interesting questions that pulled me out of my head. He helped get me present and all back on the treadmill and he got me moving again. In a way I'm really embarrassed that he has seen some of the aspects about who I am that I hate the most. I feel weak is so many ways, and he sees them all. Somehow, though, I'm sure he doesn't judge me. I don't know why.

I love the way he hears me. He listens, and considers it for awhile. Sometimes a long while. Then he responds from a place of thought and contemplation, with such insight that I hardly know how to react sometimes. His ideas are so well formed that I don't feel like I have to time to chew on them until I get home. I wonder if he knows the power of his thinking and insight.

I disclosed to him that I would be sad for the day that this training relationship ends. All things do come to an end. I was encouraged that he'd consider being a friend beyond that time though. I can't imagine that things would be too terribly different if the professional lines weren't there and he was able to really "kick my ass," as he put it. Although we have some pretty great conversations, I do see our relationship as based in a professional place. What would happen if that changed. I wonder what thoughts or words get filtered because of the propriety required by his position, or mine.

I took down the photographs that were triggering for me. Now, it's time for me to peel my own image from the mirror. It's time for me to feast on my life.

On a side note, I think the last REALLY bad (a.k.a. good) meal I had was in New Orleans. That thin fried catfish with buttery potatoes. Oh that was a huge heap of fried heaven. Why doesn't our fried food taste that good???