Miles Away

The past several days have been a roller coaster for me (and probably anyone unfortunate to have to be in contact with me.) I feel like my emotions have walked all over me. I've felt intense highs and intense lows. Right now I feel entirely bad that I waste so much of my trainers time with bullshit.

I felt very disconnected from him on Thursday. I was in a heightened emotional state, which he said was bullshit. That sent me further into feeling sadness and shame. I know he was just trying to motivate me to do the race. I know he doesn't realize the intensity of my painful emotions. Or maybe he does and he really does think it's bullshit. I don't know. I know he's not trying to hurt me and that his intentions are to help me reach my goals. I just hope that maybe next time developing some motivation might take a less invalidating route.

I very much appreciate the people who are in my life to help me. Sometimes it's difficult to accept the help because it feels like, "I can't do this." I am tired of the fear. Sometimes it feels like I'm being thrown into the ocean to learn how to swim though. I know that's an extreme analogy, but I felt intensely afraid and it was a positive experience.

So I finished the 5K (3.2 miles) in 52 minutes. I do feel accomplished and very proud of myself. Rethinking about it all does bring up a lot of feeling of shame though. I feel bad that it was so emotionally difficult.

This morning I went to my first Cycle class at the fitness club. Wow. That is one of my goals. I think I can put a check-mark next to that one. The class was 60 minutes and I think I did great. I remember the last time I tried a class, I think I lasted 5 minutes before I walked out. It's negative experiences like that that make me afraid to try. I wish I knew how to have more faith in myself. Today, though, was great. I had fun. I like the instructor. And I know I will be adding that to my calendar in the future.

Now I'm a bit sore all over. My arms, legs, back, and sides. That's pretty much everything.