Getting Out Of My Own Way

I think it is going to take awhile for the dust to settle in my life. I have a daily practice to work on and I'm going to do it in combination with my workouts. Hopefully a paired commitment of complete and total effectiveness in every aspect of my life can help get me through this tough time. In the past it would have been easy to walk away and give up at a time like this, when everything feels too hard. This is a different day. I'm going to try the more difficult road today to see where it leads me.

My own thoughts get in my way and create intense suffering. Losing a close friend is sad, but the thoughts that reality shouldn't be this way make living through it hell. All I have right now is myself. What I thought were life-long close friends are distant, absent. My relationships all seem to be with people who are also living in the muck. I've been seeing the self-centered side of people as I go through this difficult time. Very few people take the time to ask how I'm feeling. I wish I had better relationships. But right now all I have to get through this is myself.

I'd like to include my trainer in the list of people I count as reliable in my life, along with my therapists. I'm not sure if this friendship will last past the time allotted because of the nature of our friendship. I'd like to believe that he would consider being a friend past the time we are spending together at the gym. I appreciate his insight into life. He is unique. I know my relationship with my therapist will go on long after I am officially graduated from DBT. She has invested so much into me and has gained my full trust. She gives me the stability I have always sought in relationships. She tries to see underneath the waves, underneath the behavior, to see me.

That's all I really want in this life, to be seen. Why is that the most difficult thing? I am going to try to embrace this life of solitude and cleansing. I find myself asking, "Who am I?" Without other people, who am I. Without my boyfriend, who am I. Without my best friends, who am I. Through all this pain, as I sit with the quiet and with the screaming, I feel like I am seeing myself for the first time. With all that has happened, I am able to begin getting out of my own way to see the person hidden beneath.

Who is this person?