Thought, Deed, Habit, and Character

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.
Buddha

I read this quote last night and was deeply moved by it. It reminded me of something John said when we first started. "Everything you do and don't do is an investment of and for today." This thought has been so helpful to me in a deep way. There have been days when I wanted to just give up. Not just give up on eating well or exercising, but give up on life. I have wanted to just lie there and wait for things to feel different. I wasn't content with now and wanted to avoid the world until things felt better. I've experienced that it's when things feel the most daunting that it's the most important to keep going. I've been doing that in small ways working with John.

Thought
I pay attention to my thoughts when I feel like I want to give up. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for all beings. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for my own being. They are toxic and destructive. Noticing them was the first step. Recognizing the toxicity of my judgments and making a decision to let them go. Making the decision 50 times in 10 minutes to let them go. "I'm no good at this." "I will never get any better." "This is hopeless." "I should just quit." Those are thoughts I've had directly related to being on the treadmill or in a class. Those are the same exact thoughts that have been plaguing me in life. It's no surprise that they are the same thoughts. There is a lot of power in recognizing it. The same patterns of thought that have made working out difficult have continually been making my life difficult. It's just that when I'm putting myself into a new, stressful situation, the thoughts are so much louder. I can clearly see when my mood plummets as I let the thoughts multiply and spin out of control. On the treadmill, I lose energy and the work becomes much more painful. In class, I get frustrated and give up. Just like in life. What a metaphor.

Deed
So, having a schedule of when I meet with John, when I will go to Turbo Kick, when I will go to Cycle, when I will shop, and when I will prepare food has given me a concrete target of exactly what I need to do. I hate to flake on appointments. I flake a lot on friends, but things are very different when I'm going to meet with the trainer. I made a decision to treat my time with him as sacred. (Much like I treat the therapy hour as sacred.) I try my best to be on time. I prepare myself mentally for the meeting (when I'm not in emotional distress anyways.) The cell phone gets turned off. I go into student mode.

I have many opportunities throughout my day to "do". Every cup of water I drink, every grapefruit I cut, every meal I eat, every appointment I make, every punch, every kick becomes an opportunity to do the effective thing. Every action becomes an investment. So when I feel like I'm blowing it or failing, it becomes much easier to put it into perspective when I count all the things I did do that day to reach my goal. And it reminds me that even if I ate too much for lunch or forgot to pack a meal, there are many more opportunities in that day to do". Even when I feel totally awful, depressed, hopeless, and worthless; it is getting easier to do something. Sometimes its the act of doing that reminds me that I'm on a path. I have a goal. And I'm taking action 50 times a day to reach it.

Habit
I noticed that when I eat the wrong proportions of food, I don't feel right. Sometimes I get lazy and don't feel like fighting with my food so I just cook more veggies to make up for not eating the rice. It doesn't fly. I feel unsatisfied and like something is missing. My body has gotten used to eating well. I NEVER thought that would happen. I'm developing those "healthy eating habits" people always talk about. But it started with many small deeds over the past 3 months. Those small deeds are accumulating into something entirely new for me. There is a predictable pattern that is becoming clear as I make new choices. In my whole life, that has never happened for me.

I noticed that with Turbo Kick some good practices are becoming habit. In the beginning I was just trying to hang in there and keep up. I wasn't conscious of good form because I was just trying to get my foot into the air without falling. I had to consciously tell myself, "pivot when you punch, Carmen." I noticed that I no longer have to think as much about it, I just do it. I lift my knees more when I walk on the treadmill and I carry water wherever I go by habit. I wonder what things that take conscious effort for me today will become habit in another 3 months.

Character
I don't know that I've observed any real character changes in myself yet. But I am excited that this is where this is heading. John said that he thought the my growing ability to will my body to do what I want it to do is a strengthening of the mind. I really thought of it as a strengthening of the body. Maybe it's somewhere in between those two. (Or maybe I should just trust John because he always seems to be completely right about these things.) Developing will, presence, and being through fitness is important to me. I envision myself being well in the future. I don't think of this journey as "a stint with the trainer," or as "that time when I worked out." I see it as the start of a new way of being. I want healthy lifestyle though mind, body, and spirit to be defined by my character through everything I do.

...And it all starts with paying careful attention to every thought that passes. It starts with being mindful of where the thoughts stem from and where they go to. It starts with the acknowledgment that I have those thoughts and a gentle turning of the mind to a more accepting way. It starts with letting my thoughts spring up from a place of love... from a place of love for myself and my place in the world.