Eat, Pray, Love

It's been a nice couple of days. I saw my trainer on Thursday and Friday. We did two short treadmill walks. We did "intervals" on Thursday and he ran next to me. I want do be able to do what he does some day. On Friday the walk was awesome. I felt great. The two light workouts in a row made both days feel like a holiday to me. I feel rested and ready for Turbo Kick today.

Last night I took myself on a date to have some beautiful sushi and watched Eat, Pray, Love. The movie was so beautiful. It was great to watch it while I'm in middle of my own life-changing, soul-seeking journey. I haven't had to leave home to begin searching for my truth. But I have had to leave many things behind. Sometimes it's sad. And I'm learning to let it just be sad. Sometimes it's a relief. And I'm learning to let go of the guilt. Sometimes it's bliss. It's nice to see something new emerge. My body is getting stronger: I'm losing weight and gaining strength. My spirit is getting stronger: This is something I'm doing all for my own balance. My mind is getting stronger: I'm able to regulate my emotions more and let go of thought. I get impatient for an idea of an "ultimate" truth that i have yet to find. So I think my new practice will be accepting everything that is, as it is, right now. Be silent and accept myself as I am today, accept the people in my life as they are today, accept this moment and recognize it for what it is, and act from knowing what things are (not what I want them to be.) I have everything in this moment to live and be full.

Today John told me that I'm getting "skinny." I don't look at myself and see skinny or anything like skinny. I still see the same lumpy me in the mirror with a slightly slimmer outline. He also said that he doesn't want me to get "too skinny." That's something I honestly never considered as an option for myself. I can't imagine myself one day being so thin that I'd be unhealthy. I just didn't think my body was built for thinness. But then again, I don't know what my body was built for. But I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy, whatever form that takes on. I'm not working for a better body image, that is just the side effect. I'm working for balance. I'm working with the idea that if any part of my life is in unbalance, I as a being will be in unbalance. I want to live. That's what this quest is about for me. Choosing life. Choosing not to follow the old patterns of thought. Choosing not to give into hopelessness. I thought this would be easier than it has been. I knew this time in my life would be life-changing. I didn't know that I'd look back 3 months later on a life I no longer recognize: on a self I no longer recognize.