Industrial Strength

It's been a hard week. It's good to be home.

I went to go visit my family last week. That tends to be a difficult thing in the best of times. On my way down to Southern California, I found out that a close friend passed away. I cried all the way down. I found my dad while on the trip. He's not in good condition right now, it was extremely difficult to see him in that state. I got into a fight (a real one) with my sister. (And I feel awful for it.) And when it finally totally sunk in that my boyfriend is not able support me like I need him to, I broke up with him.

My head is spinning and my heart is broken.

I didn't eat all that great while I was in So Cal. Mostly, I was undereating. It's so hard to eat well while traveling. I went to a boot camp class at a fitness place down in So Cal on a day when I ate well. God I felt like I was gonna die. But I lived, with my knees temporarily a little worse for wear. Nothing more walking won't help. When I finally melted down after the fight with my sister, I ate a ton of sugar. I'm trying not to feel to bad about it given the intensity of what I was feeling on that drive home.

I felt so bad about it that day though (along with everything else that had been going on) that I texted my trainer to tell him that I was falling apart. I feel so afraid that I am becoming an annoyance to him. That is really the last thing I want to do. His words have been a real comfort to me. It's so validating for him to see me when he sees me. I get the feeling that he sees more of who I am than many people in my life. I don't know... maybe I just look like a mess to him. Maybe I'm just wanting to believe that he gets me because I feel so alone with my pain right now.

Why does life have to crash down all at once?

So after a day of serious rest, sleep, and eating well, I hit it pretty hard with two great workouts. Today i did a video at home after going to Reno called Industrial Strength. This work out still totally, completely kicks my ass. I am going to make it thru this workout someday! I'm going to keep hanging on. I'm going to keep on living my life. I'm going to try to ask my sister to forgive me. I'm going to keep looking deeply into who I am. Right now, doing what I believe to be the mindful path is taking some real strength. Getting back on track and not giving up... on life... is taking some real strength.