Whole Foods Fun

I had so much fun shopping for the basic ingredients that I need for the Eat Fat, Lose Fat diet.

From Head to Heart

Tonight I made my first meal from the Nourishing Traditions cook book. I had to overcome some fear and anxiety, but I just thought of Julie and her lobsters, and I knew everything was going to be ok. The meat recipe was for Spicy Meatloaf. I wasn't exactly prepared for the recipe since I was waiting until today for a fish carcass from Raleys. The fish didn't come in, so there was no carcass for me, so I had to bring home a fish head instead. I've never cooked anything with eyes before. The fish sauce was supposed to ferment for 3 days, but since I wanted to have my meatloaf tonight, I boiled the fish head into a broth. I also added a half pound of beef hearts. I've also never cooked heart before. My vegetable recipe was for Butternut Squash Puree with Pecans. Since I don't have a hand blender, it's a bit chunkier than a puree, but it's delicious and creamy still. I have plenty of left overs to eat through the week and will also freeze some for later. The meatloaf was tasty and the puree was sweet and warming.

Three cheers for overcoming fear to make an amazing meal!

Something Nourishing

I'm happy to be home. I have a lot of unpacking to do, but I'll leave most of it for tomorrow after I've gotten some rest.

This is a new phase for me. Post-cleanse is unfolding in an interesting way and I'm excited to work on a new Nourishing meal plan. There are going to be a few changes to this phase of my journey, and I'm going to give Nourishing Traditions a good try. I'm going to work on some meal plan ideas and figure out where to get what I need for my recipes.

The Day After: Work to be Done

Today is the first day of breaking the fast. I'll be drinking orange juice today and paying close attention to my body to gauge how I'm feeling. Emotionally I'm feeling like I got up on the wrong side of the bed and I put my panties on backwards. I have done neither of the two, so I suppose it's just a mood. I know where it's coming from too. Judgments. Goddamnit. (That's me judging the judging.) So I think a good place to start this morning would be with my butt on the pillow. I don't like the pillow I made. I think I need to make another one.

It would proabably be better to end the blog now and head over to the pillow. I'm sensing the emotions elevate as I let the judgmentmind take over. Time to put them to bed.

Day 18: Breaking and Broken

Today was my appointment with at the Dentist's Office. I thought we might just be doing xrays and discussing next steps, but the dentist surprised me and said he wanted to do an extraction today. I kinda knew that the tooth would have to be pulled, but I didn't think it would have to be pulled immediately. The tooth had an infection so that's that. I bled for longer than I expected to, but it finally calmed down and I'm feeling alright now. I think the vicodin feels especially effective against the pain right now, so I'm only taking a half at a time.

Last night's breakdown was something I wasn't really expecting either. After meditating on the questions I felt I had to work at the edge of, I found myself in a spin. I feel like I'm a bit too fatigued to start writing about it right now. I cried so hard. But it wasn't bad. I welcomed it and opened my heart to the weeping. Mourning for the lack of something I'm not sure I've ever consciously wept for (but something that I always feel the lack of.) I cried on my hands and knees, not repenting, but accepting. I looked up and saw a piece of a new world that I've created for myself. The tears were an acknowledgement and a letting go. It's ok, because right now, I love myself. I care tenderly for myself as I continue to work to recreate my reality. I soothe myself because I know it's a long process, but I have already made the decision, and I make the decision every day.

There is still work to do, yes. There are still old ways of being that aren't helping me. There are still old blocks that need to be undone. I'm so grateful for the many teachers I have to help me find them and nudge them out of my perception.

I think it's time to let myself be lulled to sleep.

Day 17: Relaxed Vortices

I'm feeling exhausted when I wake up. This has been for the past 2 days. It's a level of exhaustion I haven't felt since herxing from Lyme treatment. My body feels completely fatigued when I wake up, I sleep through alarms, and have vivid and disturbing dreams where I grind my teeth and feel like I can't wake up. My suspicion is that the microbes in my body are unhappy that I've decided to take it upon myself to create an inhospitable home for them. I like to be a good host, but not to these little parasites. Once I got up to do the salt flush, I felt much better. One interesting thing that I've been noticing over the past few days is that when I begin hydrating when I wake up, my body seems to know that it's time to flush. Before I even being the salt my body relaxes and begins to easily give up it's waste. I feel like my body is trusting me. Trusting that we are on a path of healing. It's no longer working against me, but with me.

It no longer bothers me to be around people who are eating. Even in the presence of food that smells amazing, I don't have cravings for it. I think how it might be nice to have it, but am just as happy just smelling the aromas. Last night I was too far from the car to make my lemonade, so I had some watered down orange juice. I didn't feel all that great after drinking it. I didn't feel awful, but I could tell my stomach was feeling differently about it than the lemonade. I think yesterday was a difficult day physically. I had mixed maple syrup, missed the salt flush, and woke up feeling like I was run over by a pack of deer. Maybe it was just too much change too soon for my body. I was also up quite late with the ladies.

Last night I drank a water called Vortex 9.5 water. It was amazing. I think I'm addicted. It was the best tasting water I've ever had in my life. Every sip was a beautiful experience. It reminds me of something I tasted a long time ago. Maybe some water I had as a child.

Today I'm in a kitchen hood battle with my neighbors. I'm not sure who I'm annoying right now, but I hope they forgive me. With my heightened sense of smell, wafting odors of putrid oil in my apartment have been causing me a bit of distress. It's a distress that breathing into only makes feel worse. I finally figured out that the horrid smell was coming in through the kitchen vent from the neighbors apartment. After cleaning my vent filter, the smell was still there. Today I'm going to try to remedy the situation by boiling a pot of lovely smelling (hopefully cleansing) water. I have lemon peels, cloves, hibiscus, rose hips, cinnamon, and vinegar simmering on the range. If anything it's covering up the smell of the putrified oil for the day. Hopefully running the vent fan while boiling my concoction helps to clean out some of that horrible grease slime from the vent system. I'm not sure if I'm just hypersensitive, or if I'll think it smells just as awful after I come off my cleanse.

I'm going to end my cleanse after day 20. I want to be sure that I have enough time to assimilate to eating so that I don't suffer any stomach distress while having Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

Day 16: From the Start

Today was a rough day from the start. I woke up very late and felt frazzled that I didn't have time to do the salt flush before going to meet with friends new and newer at the Flower Tree. I felt exhausted beyond belief and completely sapped of energy. To top it off, I ran out of grade B maple syrup and had to improvise. I mixed some grade A with the grade B I had left. I hope that was ok.

After meeting my new friend I headed over to pick and process some corn. It was very relaxing and a lot of work to get the corn all shelled.

I'm home safe and sound now. I have enough grade B to last for the rest of my cleanse. I have the orange juice for breaking the fast as well. I'm ready to mindfully move into whatever the next phase is for me. I'm missing salmon and salad right now. Missing boiled eggs and bread. Even though I won't be eating much bread on a regular basis, it will be nice to enjoy some for Thanksgiving.

Day 15: Shortage and Abundance

I'm hoping that I have enough maple syrup to hold me over until I can go to Reno tomorrow. I honestly believed that the local health food store would have some in by now. It's been about a week since I bought their last ones. I'm sure I'll be fine. I just have to do a little research about what to do if I do run out. Thankfully I have enough lemons. The produce guy at Safeway has been great. I have to go in soon to talk veggies with him so he can carry the organics I like to use on a regular basis.

This cleanse has been wonderful for my living space. I have cleaned out some much junk. It feels good to gradually let go of the things that are no longer useful. It clarifies what is.

All of my personal appointments are falling into place for my week off. It's going to feel good to get caught up on my personal projects and see friends. It also feels good to take care of myself during this time. I'm easing into relaxation and feeling wonderful. It's nice to do a bit of reclusiveness in moments like these. It feels good to recharge.

Day 14: Salt!

Today was the first day of my vacation. I did some more cleaning around the apartment today. I started really working on the contents of my closet. I took a huge step today in my cleansing process. I knew this day was coming, and I faced the challenge today with strength and dignity. I parted with my gaming computer today. I took out the hard drive and a couple of components that I can use to upgrade my sisters computer when I go down to visit. Then I took the computer and monitor into work to be recycled. I also parted with my lovely backlit gaming keyboard and some other peripherals. There's no going back now. I'm offically committed to building something wonderful in the real world and not in a game world. I'm grateful to the game world to giving me a safe place to start on my path of discovery. And it also feels good to know that I no longer need that comfort.

I had a headache all day. (I had it last night too.) I'm pretty sure that stRIPPED last night really got some stuff moving in my body. As much as I wanted to do a salt flush last night, I was far too exhausted to do it. So today I did one in the morning and one in the evening. It is strange how I can feel my body asking for it. When I began noticing that my body wanted it is when my tastebuds also began to really accept the process of drinking it. I don't feel like I'm in a realm of suffering now when I drink the salt water. That's pretty amazing.

I tried to log into the teleconference yesterday from the Center for Mindful Eating. I figured that I probably had the wrong time or something. Today I got a call from someone from the center apologizing on behalf of the doctor for not being able to do the call. I was so impressed that someone took the time to call me. I think I will probably sign up to become a member of the center. I was so impressed with the response. They seem like a great group of people. I'm going to re-read the eating mindfully book to get into a mindful attitude about eating before I begin eating food again. I think this is going to be powerful.

Day 13: Bliss and Sensuality

Today was nothing less than amazing. I felt wonderful today, full of energy and compassion. I got my work done and felt ready to begin my vacation. I drank the salt water this morning quickly with no problems and no sweet spoon to help me out. I decided to check out Karen's stRIPPED class at the gym. It was so much fun! I loved the sexy hip bumping moves. For a moment I felt like I was born to be a stripper! I drank a lot of water to prepare to go to the class and drank a lot of water through the class. I felt intensely fatigued afterwards, but had a good time and got my sweat on. As the class was finishing, I could feel something really going on inside my body. I went straight to the restroom and passed some of the most interesting stuff. I think moving my body really helped to move out some toxins and junk from my body. It was the most solid looking stuff I've passed. Mostly it's just been particles to this point. And it was pretty dark compared to the yellowing particles I passed before. Afterwards I went home and enjoyed a warm salt and oil bath by candlelight. It felt good to sink into the feeling of being on vacation.

Day 12: Drained and Renewed

Last night when I got home I think my body purged a ton of toxins. I stayed up pretty late because I had to go to the bathroom every time I tried to lay down. I also got a disgusting yellowish brown coating on my tongue that tasted awful. (Sort of moldy smelling.) My stomach was bloated and my intestines felt uncomfortable. The feeling has continued through to today and on top of it I'm feeling exhausted and fatigued. I feel deeply tired and really want to rest.

When I woke up this morning I noticed an attitude change about the salt. I actually looked forward to the salt flush this morning because I knew it would make me feel better. It did help to calm my gut and get my day started. I wonder if this is because of the increase in cayenne pepper in the lemonades. I'm glad my body is working so hard to get rid of the junk that's been hiding out in my cells. I'm going to take it easy and spend some time soothing myself and being gentle with myself today.

I think it's time to dim the lights and put on some nice, relaxing music.

Breathe. Water. Lemonade. Compassionate thoughts.

...
Doing this cleanse has really given me the time and space to do some difficult work that has been lingering. I decided to clean my apartment with the time I have now that I'm not cooking, eating, and washing dishes. I ran a load of items to goodwill. It felt good to pass on the accumulation of stuff that I had here in my dining room. I'm slowly getting things sorted and better organized. I'm giving away a lot of items that are just cluttering my life. And I have some items that I haven't known what to do with. (This is all going somewhere.) I contacted my friend to get his address so I could send him his vinyl and cd that I got singed by Alan Wilder for him. I'm going to box up the blood pressure meter and send it to my friend that needs it. (Since I no longer need it after the weight loss.) I gave my old poet friend the opportunity to tell me what he wants me to do with is huge box of papers. And then I came across my old best friends art that she asked me to hold on to for her since she didn't want to put it into storage. I sent her a message to ask her what she would like me to do with it- and that opened up space for us to talk to each other again. I have missed having her in my life so much. We had a wonderful conversation this evening and talked about what the rift between us was really about. We made amends and have begun to repair the friendship that has been so important to us both. I have my friend back. And my apartment is slowly getting less and less cluttered with reminders of an old life lived for the pleasure of stuff. On this leg of the journey I'd like to live more for the pleasure of love and friends.

High on Orange Juice

God- I feel freaking awful.

I don't like how I feel. My stomach is heavy, my mind is racing, I'm shaking, I want to throw up, I can't sleep, my chest is quivering, I have acid in my esophagus, and I want to rest so bad but I can't. I'm dizzy and tingly too. And yeah- OJ tastes awful too.

Oh and my mouth is swollen inside and it started hurting more today. I have an awful taste in my mouth- it feels like my body is panicking and trying to ditch some last minute toxins.

Day 11: Joyful Working

This morning my heart is full of gratitude. Last night was a powerful culmination to a weekend of uncertainty and insecurity. It all lies in my choice to hold the emotions while I keep moving. I so grateful that I have the chance to choose the journey. How many times did I have the chance to give up? How many times did I want to? I'm so lucky to be here in this place with an open heart and mind ready to see whatever comes up. The ugly past that resides in scarred tissue is evaporating as parts of myself dissolve into the expanse. Old emotions tied to useless tissues are fading away and leaving only fresh hope. I can feel the body and mind clinging to hold on to the safety of what's known. But my heart and spirit are reaching for something more. We are reaching out for power. The power in peace, kindness, and compassion. In moments I can remember who I was meant to be. And I can see myself in a new way now. I give myself kindness and gentle love and remember that this has always been alive inside of me. The work is in gently prying the grip of the ego on the imaginary "self" so that something new can begin to grow. The possibility of infinity.

So today I'm going to work on loosening that grip. Breathe and let go.

You aren't who you think you are.

Something

Something intense is happening in my body and mind right now. I'm having a lot of emotions come up and feel a tension in my tissues that wants to be let go. My sense of smell is intensely acute right now and I feel annoyed. I feel insecure and find myself getting stuck in some old judgment cycles. It's a good time to breathe and validate. I have some worry coming from the idea that I don't have enough time to take a vacation this month. I have too many work responsibilities to attend to. Then I hear my heart speaking. I have a family also to attend to and it's ok to want to spend time with them. I feel shame. I'm not even sure where it's coming from right now, but it's the only distinct emotion that I can really pick out right now. I also feel irritated about bitterness that one friend holds against me. All I did was try to help. I think it's time to shred the remnants of what he left here and let it go. Maybe it's time to part with all the remnants of pieces of my life that are no longer serving me. It's time to come to some finality and cleanse these parts as well. Let go. Let go of feeling shame for relationships that weren't honored.

"Why am I not good enough."

That's the thought I keep having over and over this evening. And the universe just gave me some major validation. We all feel it. We all feel insufficient sometimes. It feels good to make the decision to be done with old pain. To move on in a concrete way. It's cleansing to throw away things that have sad attachments to them. And it's reaffirming of my decision to live an ethical life that doesn't cause harm to myself (or anyone else) any more. It has taken a lot of inner work to get to this point. To be able to make decisions for myself because I value my body, mind, and spirit. Because I love myself. The thoughts will come and go. But I know what is true in my heart (wise-mind). I matter. I'm connected. I'm never alone. I belong. I'm loved. All I have to do is breathe that in. Because it's true.

Day 10: Nothing

This morning nothing happened with the salt flush. I don't know what that means. There was no movement at all. I didn't do anything any differently this morning. I got up and drank a bit over a liter of water, waited 30 minutes, then drank the salt water. I waited 45 minutes then drank some more water. Nothing.



I started drinking some lemonade. I increased the amount of cayenne that I'm putting in the lemonade. I hope they got more organic lemons in at Safeway. I got to know the produce guy. When I'm eating again he wants to talk about what kind of organic produce I'd like him to order for me. That is awesome.

I'm really starting to look forward to eating again. I want to find some fresh and fragrant bread and eat it warm with some real butter. I also look forward to some warm soup with beans and other lovely veggies. And I'd like to get to making that pumpkin sage bisque that I wanted to make before I started the cleanse.

Despite that, I'm going to continue the cleanse. I love how my eyes look. I love to look in the mirror and see bright, clear, clean eyes looking back. I love how I feel awake without caffeine. I love how I have calm, patient energy without having energy lows and anxiety spikes. I can only imagine how my insides must be feeling. I like that my body has time and energy to focus on healing. I'd like to have more time to allow my body to focus on healing and regeneration. I think I'll plan on keeping this cleanse up until at least friday. Then I'll consider it again. I wonder how Eric decided how long to continue his fast for.

Day 9: Opening Old Wounds

I haven't been very willing to think back to the losses that took place in my life last year. That is a really disconnected way of stating that. Let me try again. Losing one of my closest friends was very painful and difficult to deal with so I choose not to think about it too much last year. Maybe it's time. I keep thinking about it despite the feeling that I've made it through with grace (for the most part). Part of this trigger might be Thanksgiving coming up.

I think it's time to forgive and let it go. Be sad for the suffering. And breathe.



The permaculture work bee was great. I had a wonderful time getting to know new people at the work bee and after. I was amazed at how well I did at the restaurant. It's interesting how my sense of smell has a locational aspect to it now. I can tell what direction different scents are coming from pretty acutely.

Day 8: Soothing Balance

I felt so frustrated yesterday when I was feeling bloated and acidic. I drank a lot of water, but it didn't seen to help. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized that I had only 4 lemonades. The unsettled feeling in my stomach made me feel like not drinking anymore lemonade. It didn't really occur to me until I spoke to Eric that my body may have been telling me that it needs help getting rid of the toxins in my system. I think going home to take a nap was a good choice. I felt much better when I woke up later in the evening.

I had a lovely night. I finished watching Somewhere in Time and cried. I love that movie so much. Then I took a nice warm bath and gently fell asleep in the warmth of knowing that I'm loved and safe.

I really enjoy talking with Eric. I hope our friendship lasts for a long, long time. Enlightened discussions with him really light up my day and make me smile.

Today the salt was much easier to drink. I'm still having a taste of syrup after I drink the salt to improve the experience. But it is encouraging that this is maybe getting easier now.

On elimination: the salt flush this morning was different. The color was darker and there were less little particles. It's interesting how every day is different.

Day 7: The Lull

Today has been a bit more difficult for me. My stomach feels unsettled and I feel depressed. I'm feeling like I want to crawl back in bed and get a few more hours of sleep or maybe cuddle up with a warm blanket and watch a movie. I feel overwhelmed by how big my project feels. (And here it comes...) And I feel like I'm not the right person to be doing this, worthless. (There it is.)

I think it would be beneficial to take some time today to care for myself and meditate. I've been so busy for the past few days. It's difficult to meditate in my space when I have cats clawing me.

I feel like this is a wall. I want bread. Sleep. A hug.

I'm glad it's the weekend.

Day 6: Amazing Clarity

This has been a truly amazing day. The main thing I noticed today was how my ability to focus on tasks has really deepened. It was so much easier to be mindful of what I was doing today. I didn't have to fight a wandering mind. I feel completely alive. My sense of smell for food is very acute and I can identify whatever anyone in the office is eating. Still, the smell of bread is heavenly.

I felt hunger throughout the day. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to try to drink more lemonade when I feel like this or just ignore it. (Probably drink more lemonade because I actually had a couple of energy dips so I don't think it was a psychological desire to eat, but a physical need.) Hm, that must be what Eric was talking about- learning to pay attention to what the body needs.

Day 5: Just a Spoonful of Sugar

I cheated this morning with the salt flush. I didn't want to feel like I was in complete suffering again this morning. I had a couple spoonfuls of maple syrup to get the salt taste out of my mouth this morning. It really helped me tolerate it, I hope it was ok to do.

Other than that, waking up this morning was a beautiful process. I naturally woke up right before my alarm (set for 4:45am). I didn't feel any nausea this morning and I haven't had a headache all day. I have felt no need for coffee for the past 2 mornings. And today I feel completely awake and happy.

I've been feeling wonderful today. Even with coworkers in the office eating lovely smelling bread I'm not having any real cravings for food of any sort. (I know the bread isn't that great anyway, it's gluten free. Ew.) It is interesting that the most beautiful smell in the world to me right now is bread. I look forward to visiting a bakery and enjoying some hot bread with butter after this fast. It does feel good to know that I'm doing something so good for my body. I feel pretty energized and mentally very aware. I can't believe that this is day 5.

Last night I had a beautiful night honoring those who have passed. I lit all of my candles and cleaned a space where I could write. It felt good.


Somewhere in Time will be here tomorrow. I can't wait!



Today was simply amazing. The only way to describe how I feel is bliss. I got so much done at work effortlessly today and had plenty of time to really touch base with my coworkers. It always feels good to get connected to the people I work with. I'm a little worried about my organic lemon supply. The price of lemons went up from .69 to .79 which is a little annoying. And on top of that I got the last of what they had there this evening. I guess I'll have to make a Reno run for lemons.

We also have to have a serious discussion about my mouth. The taste in my mouth last night was awful. It tasted like medicine chemicals. It was absolutely disgusting. It's amazing what must be getting purged out of my body right now. Today the taste is less mediciney but still chemically. Ew.

Day 4: Saline Hell

The comforting thing is that this is likely going to be the worst part of my day. I sat here for the last 15 minutes breathing and visualizing a non-traumatizing salt experience. As soon as I took my first sip I thought, "Oh god this sucks." Half way through. Breathe. I hate the damn salt! Oh I'm dizzy. That was a wave of huge emotion there. Maybe I better go back to breathing. My hands are clammy. That's the fear doing it's thing. Breathe. I think it's time for Enchanted. It's done! Oh my stomach hurts and every fear reaction has been triggered. Now I can relax and let the salt to it's good work. Back to Enchanted. Breathe.

Wow. Today feels totally different. I feel constantly hungry this morning. I wonder if my metabolism is running today or something. I'm not having any big cravings for food or anything, I just feel the feeling of hunger pain in my stomach. It's only mildly unpleasant. I'm going to have plenty of water and lemonade this morning.

...
Today has been the most difficult day so far. I felt low energy and constantly hungry. I came across a piece of old bread and the smell was overwhelmingly wonderful. I had to refocus my attention on something else until the insane carb craving faded. I ended up drinking 10 lemonades today. I hope tomorrow is easier.

Day 3: English System Frustration

I remember when I was back in college and we had a week of only working out hydrology problems using the english system. The professor wanted us to be "exceedingly grateful" for the metric system. It worked. Trying to figure out how much water to drink when has felt very frustrating. After thinking about water in terms of liters and deciliters, this is confusion, especially at 8 in the morning. After several days I should be able to make more sense of this. For now it feels like I'm just trying to keep up.

I slept beautifully with no dreams of food, only songs and pleasant feelings. It's getting colder and I think this time it's going to stay.

I woke up with a pimple. Probably the first of many as my body gives up the toxic ghost. I've known for a long time that I had to do something to detoxify my body, especially after the intensive overload of drugs during the attempt at lyme treatment. I think it's amazing that Eric is holding such crucial information that he is willing to share with me. I'm not sure where my fear and resistance came from with him. I think it's just the fear of being really vulnerable with friends again that might soon leave.

I feel emotionally open without feeling raw or depressed. (Sad but not depressed. Just sad.) It's a very nice feeling.

Cleanse-wise I'm feeling wonderful as well. I feel a little nervous about getting the complex recipe for the salt mixture down. Maybe I need to make a couple of little recipe cards for early mornings with no caffeine. I got a lot done today at the apartment. I'm happy to be going back to work tomorrow to finish up some loose ends so that we can all breathe a little easier (and so I can take a good 2 weeks off to see my family and friends for thanksgiving.) Tomorrow I'm going to do a little more apartment cleaning and maybe work on crafting a poem for those who have passed. Tomorrow is the blessed day of remembrance for those who have passed. I like this new tradition that I started to honor my precious friend. Now there are more to remember an honor. An evening for whispers, tears, memories, and gratitude. My heart has never held so many loves at one time. It's amazing.

Day 2: Simply Set

I woke up feeling the dichotomous sensations of warm and cold. The weather said a chance of flurries. Really? I felt a tinge of worry as I fell asleep last night. "What if I don't remember that I'm cleansing when I wake up tomorrow." That's why I chose to get rid of the easy foods in the apartment. No use watching the beautiful romanesco broccoli go bad while I fight the temptation to eat it. As I slept I dreamt of potatoes. Again, not a usual craving for me. My mind is working hard to lobby me to eat something I think. Other than that my dreams were pleasant. Today I'm going to do a bit of house work and enjoy something on netflix.

Oh, the salt is calling. Time to go.

Later that day...

I like how things now move slowly in my life. I like how I can see the joys passing as they are happening. I like that I can really savor them in long moments and deeper breaths.

I'm working my way through some dehydration. Eric is so calming to my being. It's nice to hear more than one voice saying, "It's going to be ok." I'm surprised with how good I felt today. I had a few cravings for food, but felt very little hunger. I feel so calm. Soothed. There is something wonderful about knowing that this is apart of the path that began many years ago here in this place. A decade later, everything is different. A decade of choices to become aware to my own self, of choosing to let go, of loving indiscriminately, of believing that "here somewhere in the heart of me there is still apart of me that still cares."

Day 1: Revisited

(Today) I began the master cleanse. I started with water and 2 salt flushes in the morning. In the afternoon I drank the spicy lemonade and watched my mind. I didn't start to have any cravings for food until the early evening. Then I very much wanted apple pie for several minutes at a time. That was interesting because I almost never crave apple pie. I soothed my mind and reassured [myself] that everything was going to be ok. I sat calmly and sipped on water while watching a documentary and charmed. Later I began to feel the familiar panicked cravings for food. My mind was sorting through food choices like a catalog trying to find something to tempt my body into giving in. Cravings for food came like flashes of memories and passed just as quickly. As my mind became calmer I noticed a flipping between cravings and deep contentment. I wonder if it was sensing of the mind and the body alternatively. I wonder what it would be like to sense them simultaneously.

The syrup is such a joy.

Overall I felt happy and accomplished. I urge surfed gracefully and noticed the gentle shifting into something new that has emerged. Mindfulness FTW.

It Started with Water

Today I'm beginning the Master Cleanse.

Sort of like the day I walked into John's office with an open heart, ready for whatever comes next. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I'm ready to begin a new journey. This feels like a natural progression after a long pause. I can feel my body asking me for help in healing, and I haven't known what to do. I'm grateful for the evolution that became after choosing a new path last year. Now I feel like I have more to learn, and so here I am, beginning again.

I have been speaking to my body this morning, sending messages of comfort and soothing. "It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." I started with several cups of water this morning before venturing out to find my necessary ingredients. I also cleaned out my kitchen of simple foods that might tempt me if I'm feeling the craving to eat. I want to do what I can do to set myself up for success. I'm going to try to avoid food-triggering people and places this weekend as Eric suggests. This is a wonderful time to pull back into myself for some introspective recovery and rebuilding. The turning of the fall always feels like the time for me to reconnect to the quieter parts of my being. I think it's a good time to nurture them.

I spent $62.69 today to begin this new and exciting process. I'm curious to watch myself unfold.

I haven't felt particularly hungry today. Especially after the warm salt wash. I'm thinking that the feeling of hunger will be a great time to practice some urge surfing and warm self soothing.

"It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."

I think I'm starting to learn...

I'm starting to find that these little diversions life gives me aren't the reason for getting off track with my diet and exercise goals, they are exactly my reason for staying committed. This rollercoaster of life has surprised me at every turn. I thought I had faced the most difficult pain after watching my father give in to his dark urges of self destruction and alcoholism. And after my friend Alita passed away last year, I thought all hope was lost. Then I found hope, true hope for the first time in my life. And then had to bury my grandfather earlier this year. And when I thought the dust had settled, I found out that we lost another friend. I guess her death was ruled accidental overdose. I'm not really sure, and I guess it's not all that important now. We sat together in the same room talking about the same fears, fighting the same urges. She isn't here now. I kept a carnation from her casket to remind me of her presence. What is one supposed to hang on to at a time like this? When all else that is "real" fades, all that is left is a distilled version of the truth, the essence of being. And I guess that is all that is really worth anything at all. We are born, we breathe, we exist, we cry, we fight, we love, and we die. I say this not to belittle the signifigance of anyone's life at all, but to highlight the critical nature of the things we do while were here. The connections we make with each other are real. They transcend time and place and weave us into the fabric of the universe. Every thread, every word, every intention is an essential part of the beautiful nature of the universe. So, in the face of so much pain and loss, I have found that when I keep punching and keep breathing, I'm continuing to weave the pattern that will become the essence of my place here. What kind of pattern do I want to weave with the ones I love? What gentle spirals will my spirit leave when I pass? What can I do to be sure that the beauty of the friends and family who are no longer here with me are never forgotten? I will plant pink flowers in every place I settle so that Alita's sweet lace glitter dreams are never forgotten. I will plant corn wherever I live so that my grandfather's lifetime of caring lives on in all who eat the corn. And I will wait for the gift of vision from Larissa so that I can grow a seed that always reminds me of her dancing passionate smile. I am on this journey not to lose weight, but to live this life in a way that honors those I love.

A Myriad of Challenges

So. I started Turbo Fire with plenty of good intentions, but life had other plans. Soon after starting Fire my grandfather passed away and I had to travel to attend to saying goodbye. I got in one workout during the trip with my sisters in a hotel gym. We actually moved all of the equipment to the side so we could do it. It was awesome. On my way home from the trip I got sick... and that sickness quickly developed into a bad case of bronchitis. I had to see the doctor for some antibiotics and cough meds. After a couple of weeks I was still sick and getting worse. I ended up having to go to the emergency room one night after a coughing episode that brought me to my knees. My chest was in so much pain that I thought I broke my ribs.

Now It's a month later and my ribs are still healing and I'm feeling like a fat lump of lazy. I'm better now, but I'm a little afraid that my motivation might wane in the face of what feels like so much lost time and sadness.

Two days ago I found out that one of my friends died. She was 25. I went to Turbo Kick the night I found out. When my muscles were burning I felt grateful to be able to be alive to feel pain. My ribs are still sore. My heart hurts with sadness and loss. And I'm going to try my best to get back on the track of LIVING.

Today I did a Turbo Fire EZ 55. I'm feeling very alive.

Sweating doesn't feel like tears falling anymore. I used to hate to sweat because I always felt like I had just cried. Now I feel like I'm breathing again and ready to face life with a bit more agility and flexibility.

It's good to be back.

A Seedier Kind of Metaphor

I don't think I could have predicted where my life was going to end up after taking that first step, back in May 2010, to change my life. I'm not sure that I really thought of that first step as life-changing. It took all my energy to walk into John's office at the gym; I wasn't thinking about what my life would be like a year later! Now here I am, the same Carmen, but totally different. I've been in a nice equilibrium lately and have been enjoying trying to figure out what my new moving target is these days. Life has demanded some of my attention lately, and I've been happy to attend to some important things. Now it's time to draw my energies back in to start spinning a new circle.

Circles. Everything in my life is well defined by sets of interconnected circles. Like the olympic rings, but swirlier. I've been reconnecting with myself in new ways. I'm learning that eating well is a pleasurable luxury. I still have some more work to do on weight loss, but this peek into life in stasis has been nice. Coconut oil makes every treat rich with a sinful silk texture. Organic maple syrup is intensely delicious. And organic cream cheese is like nothing I have ever tasted. If this is what I have to look forward to more often when I reach the end of my weight-loss journey, I can't wait to get back to sweating!

Now, my new goal is to learn to grow my own food. At least as much as possible living in a north-facing apartment with an enclosed patio. Once I get the community gardens up and running I will have much more space to play in. I have seedlings galore in flats putting down roots into various mediums. Everything is an experiment. Vermiculite? Perlite? Potting soil? Worm castings? This is all new to me! I'm mixing it up with little worry about what will survive and what won't I'm going to pay attention to what works and revise what doesn't. I have some seedlings awaiting true leaves before transplanting. I transplanted some too early. I have willow tonic constantly brewing and worm castings waiting to become a tea. I'm excited to learn what works. I have Dr. Bronner's diluted for a soap insecticide until I can get the Safer Soap. I have weather blankets for the delicate sprouts outside. I have organic fertilizer and mycorrhyzae ready to go. I hope I get food! I have never been this immersed in getting these little things to grow. I always got frustrated and gave up. Now I have more information and tons of advice and help to get going. I'll just keep planting, something has to grow!

Kinda like life, huh.

Is it too late to start over?

I started out full-steam on Turbo Fire, ready to crush it, but life had other plans for me. It has felt right to take a little break after the passing of my grandfather. I had to make an unexpected trip to Arizona to be with family for the burial. When I got home, I came down with a bad case of bronchitis. I guess this has forced me to slow down and recover, and I think I needed the time. I'm going back and forth about what I'm doing these days. I have managed to lose 2 pounds since starting Fire despite my constant cravings for sugar. I think it's time to start working on putting the cravings on the back burner to let my body know who's in charge here. And as soon as I'm recovered, it's time to ease my way back into regular workouts.

John gave me wonderful news the other day. My Karen is now his Karen! I'm going to start a membership at his gym ASAP (finally) and see how Turbo feels in that nice pretty room there.

So I'm starting another Metaphor, seedlings. Yes, this is my year to learn how to grow my own food. And I'm starting by germinating from seed. My first batch of seedlings failed. I had to leave them in the care of my coworkers when I went to Arizona. I can't really blame them for not caring as much as I do about them. They didn't get watered every day (for a whole long weekend.) And most of them died. The rest died when I tried to harden them off. Lesson learned. Seedlings need careful attention. I now have a fresh batch of sprouts sitting on my patio in germination boxes with their lids still on to keep them protected until they are strong enough to begin experiencing the elements. We will be having a cold snap Monday, so they will be coming in this evening to keep warm until the cold snap passes. Today I'm going to a rose pruning and transplanting class at the Flower Tree. I hadn't thought about roses before because of the permaculture function conundrum, but rose hip tea does sound good.

I'm also going to begin a cookbook. I have put a lot of work into the meal plans that have gotten me this far (56 pounds lost). And I think it would be worth starting a downloadable book of my nutrition discoveries on this path of becoming a leaner me. Maybe a little book of things I've learned, recipes I've pared down to serving sizes of 1, and recipes I've created to make losing weight feel like a gourmet vacation. With spring-time coming and fresh produce around the corner, I'm excited to work on her recipes for this phase of my journey. I have to create a special dish for my new favorite ingredient: the newly discovered Organic Red Quinoa.

Yum.

Turbo Fire

This marks a new phase for me.

Training has ended.

Kaia was a katastrophe.

And after some much needed downtime, rest, and pie, it's time to get back on the ball and head into my 1 year weightloss anniversary with a new burst. I ordered Turbo Fire and am anxiously waiting for it to come in. My plan is to do Turbo Kick at the gym- and supplement it with Turbo Fire at home. I haven't felt motivated to go to the gym for treadmill days after the whole Kaia thing. And I know I love Turbo, so this felt like a good move. (I wish I had just spent the Kaia money on Turbo Fire to begin with.) But oh well, at least I can say I did a boot camp.

I want to see how much total weight loss I can officially be able to report on my 1 year anniversary. So it's on like Donkey Kong! I have convinced one of my coworkers to at least try it with me. I think this is really going to get me in high(er) gear for Turbo Kick class.

Squat Thrust Mania Depressants

Today went pretty well in Kaia. As soon as I got there this morning I felt judgment about the way the warm up was structured. It felt like we were on competing teams pitted against each other for a race. I really hate any sort of competition. I also really dislike being cheered for more because I choose to move slower. I'm not sure why every moment of the class has to be at "hustle" pace. I really do find that I have to pace myself if I'm going to do back to back hard workout days. Not pacing myself was how I caused so much knee inflammation when I finally injured it in September. (It was a bit more complex that just overuse, I also had not taken enough Advil or iced/heated my knee after workouts, and I didn't understand the importance of rest when it's inflamed.) Now I understand that consistent paced workouts that don't cause too much inflammation so there is no real downtime is my best way to stay consistently active while also avoiding re-injury. I know that I will be managing my knee for awhile because I don't plan on not using my knee. So, yeah, I chose not to hustle everything this morning because I didn't want to hyper-extend my knee and put myself out of commission for the rest of the class, or worse, for the next month (again.) That makes me feel like there is pressure on me when Carry is yelling to pick up the pace and hustle and hurry. I tried to be validating in my mind to myself that this is a wise mind decision to take care of my knee. That didn't seem to help too much in the beginning of class because because of the stream of judgments I was having a hard time ignoring. I had the thought that class was stupid and that I wasn't going to be able to manage the emotions over feeling like I was being yelled at. After I was able to regulate my emotions a bit when we pulled out our mats and weren't in some sort of competitive mode I was able to get back into wise mind and validate myself and bring the dysregulation down. (Now, that's something I wish people would compliment me on rather than moving slowly!) After that the rest of class felt pretty good. I had fun this morning and pushed myself a lot considering my knee discomfort after smacking it on the ground when I lost control (I guess) in a squat-thrust. No real harm done, just an unhappy kneecap for the rest of class.

All of that on two lovely blisters as tokens of my treadmill intervals from this weekend...

I think it's time for some new shoes or socks or band-aid blister ampules.

The Mindfulness Ands

I have a new distress tolerance reminder tool to start out this Kaia Hell Week: sticky self-validation. My goal this week is to really focus on carrying myself with kindness and holding the experience in awareness. I think my desire (and attachment) to wanting the class to feel more supportive and encouraging has only served to create more suffering for myself. Especially with all the judgments that come up when I feel like I'm the only one in class having these negative self-judging emotional reactions in class. I'm going to pay close attention to what I feel emotionally when I start to see the screaming judgments pop up. What am I reacting to? What am I attaching to? This is a prime scenario for distress tolerance skills. This is a situation that is not likely to get better anytime soon, and I have to tolerate it until reality eventually changes. In the interim, the best I can do is to manage the emotions that I know are likely to come up based on the triggers and pad myself with a ton of self-care and self-validation to make it easier to tolerate the negative parts of the experience.

Today I noticed what I feel is a systemic aura of competition even when it's declared that this is not, in fact, a competition. Having to call out a time of completion for the exercise rounds really served no purpose at all other than to call attention verbally to the individual ability to complete the exercises in class. If it was set up to really feel non-competitive, I don't think we would need to call attention to individual progress. There is a much better way to format some of these class exercises to really foster a forum of mutual support and non-competition. Calling out an arbitrary time of completion for no apparent reason is not one of them. I didn't pay attention to time or calling out my completion for the exercises. I immediately noticed how it made me feel like I was, in fact, being compared to others and rejected the idea completely. I choose to move at my own pace and complete the work in a way that felt as self-honoring as possible knowing that a good portion of the class was probably staring at me while I finished my slow-moving attempt at proper form and good effort. I don't particularly like being watched when I work, and I really don't like to be randomly cheered just because I'm moving with a slower intention. It's OK not to like things right? I suppose where I fall into the pit is when I keep thinking, "this sucks." My sticky validation did help, and I turned my sleeve to glance at it several times during the class when I needed a reminder that I'm working hard & this is difficult and making me bump into all of my edges & I can do this because I'm a strong person & it will be over soon.

It was nice to start with mindful walking when the class began today. I decided to count my steps and notice my breath while I walked. I have never done a mindful walking exercise so quickly before. So that was a new experience. It helped to notice the physical experience of being in my body with the blisters on my feet and the cool air on my skin. It brought me fully into the present moment and allowed me to let go of some of the anxiety I had about being in class. It also gave me time to tune myself to being in the class for that hour. I noticed the people around me and reminded myself that I'm only here for me.

Now that class is over it's time for me to do a LOT of self validation. It has been a difficult week. I'm going through a lot and have a lot of pressures all around me. I'm doing the best I can to balance everything and it's OK is sometimes I need to take a break to care for myself when I feel overwhelmed. I don't have to be good. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else, ever. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to fail, because all that is required is that I try, and I did that. I am not a bad person because I prefer to work alone. I'm not strange because groups make me nervous. Not everyone likes to be singled out and cheered in a group, sometimes that adds pressure and triggers self-invalidation.

A Brisk Walk, He Said.

It felt nice to go based on some loving-kind direction this weekend. My emotions finally erupted into an evening of too much alcohol and wanton disregard for all the hard work and sweat I've been doing for Kaia lately. I know I only end up hurting myself when I have these episodes. It somehow felt entirely justified given the intensity of the emotions I felt during the week. In an effort to help my body rid itself of the toxins, I spent my hangover day drinking tons of water and paid a much needed visit to the treadmill. Today I went back to the gym a little more prepared to do some work. I did some treadmill intervals and did some weights. It felt great to tune out to some Depeche Mode while running away from all of my worries. At least while the work interval was on.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Kaia. I imagine that it will be difficult to return. My knee isn't entirely cooperating. It's been difficult to keep the swelling at bay after any of the Kaia workouts. I'm icing my knee as we speak. I spent some time heating up the quad muscles and stretching earlier. And I'm taking a lot of ibuprofen in preparation for what I expect to be a difficult week. The other side of my fears are rooted in the negative emotions I expect to come up while in class. I haven't received a response to my unhappiness with the class atmosphere. I think my opinions have been written off. I think I'm probably the lost cause in the class. I'm not going to give up. I just know that I won't be going back once this is done. Hopefully I can see John again as his training minion after this is over. I know that I can do a lot physically... enough to keep getting stronger and losing weight. I feel like the whole Kaia routine is just damaging my knee and my morale. I've been left feeling like I'm useless, lazy, never trying hard enough, and like I'm just a lost cause. I have very little motivation to feel concerned about meeting any of the arbitrary "goals" that I've set starting out on this path. At this point my main goal is to finish without feeling like shit about myself every day. I'm going to try to tape self-validation to my arm to remind myself while being yelled at that I'm not actually worthless.

If I'm not liking it I may just start doing my own thing. I've already disowned the idea of feeling like I have any responsibility to this "team." My only responsibility is to myself. Period. Call me a discompassionate self-absorbed frigid bitch.

I Need a Drink

It's been a pretty shitty week for me. I'm not feeling very motivated at all with all the knee inflammation and illness I've had. I'm also feeling pretty tired of Kaia and the way I feel when I leave class.

I need a drink.

Elevated

I went to the doctor today and got fitted for a patella stabilizing knee brace. I've been ordered to wear it all day today (at least) and while I work out (especially when doing jumping things.) I've also been commanded to keep my knee elevated today. I'm always remiss to put up my feet while working, but hey, Doctors orders right? I'm hoping that the use of this brace will be like when I began to use the ankle support. I noticed that I was able to do more and for longer with the support than without, and it resulted in be being able to sweat more and more often. I'm not too happy about having to wear this big bulky thing that I'm sure will feel hot, sweaty, and cumbersome when I'm trying to jump and kick. It feels like I have somehow failed as a person because I can't mentally will my knee to be better. I know that doesn't make any logical sense, but there is still some remnant drumline mentality that I should just be able to endure the pain without complaint. I don't want to do anything to permanently damage the tissues, though. That would be a very bad thing for my Turbo Kick career.

My workouts now feel completely draining. I feel like each thing I do is taxing me to my limits. I think it's having so many hard workout days in Kaia mixed with demanding more of myself in Turbo. This 6 week ultra-workout schedule is a great thing for my body. I can already feel changes in my strength even through weakness. I just have to watch that knee. After this 6 weeks I'm going to fall back to my regular Turbo Kick/treadmill/hoopnotica routine maybe with a day outside to do a Kaia style workout in the sun. It will be good to let my knee recover I think.

I haven't taken the time to log in my calories for the weekend. I didn't do all that bad in my opinion. As far as cases of the "fuckits" go, this one wasn't too bad. 750 mL of red wine (yum), sushi, cake, and chicken fajitas. And I felt completely human for a good 3 hours. It felt good to laugh and do absolutely nothing for an evening. I rarely do so much of nothing, so I'm going to say that it was a good thing (except for all the crying.) Maybe even that wasn't so bad.

So it's week 3. I'm in a brace and elevated. I'm fatigued and spent. I'm a bit emotional and feeling a little female. I'm a disturber of the peace (along with all my Kaia girls and Kaia Koach Carry.) And I'm ready to face the day.

Time for some NSAIDs!

I always love a good bang...

As I was leaving the apartment this morning, it began to snow. I hurt from yesterdays Double-D. After giving it my all in Kaia in the morning, I did Turbo Kick in the evening. It's interesting to observe that when my body feels stripped down to it's weakest state after exertion and restriction I'm better able to notice the inherent resident strength that is growing inside of me. I didn't feel like I could possibly move any more. I didn't think I could endure one entire hour of intense work. To my surprise it wasn't very difficult to keep giving a little more. Just jump a little more. Just one more time. Just one more minute. My muscles already hurt, so what was there left to lose. It will hurt anyways when I'm done, so why not get friendly with the pain and set a place for it at the table of me.

This morning I felt taxed. Rather than waking up feeling regenerated, I felt weak and sore. Just one more day. Just one more hour. I wonder if the bronchospasams from cold exertion will help to build up my lungs. This is the first winter in awhile that I haven't had a problem with chronic bronchitis. I know that so much of the "keeping going" is not the physical body, but the mind. Fading into the warm silence while my muscles scream and weakness gives way despite my intent to be strong. Pushing to the place where failure is definitely an option; quitting is a possibility. Going to that place where my will and endurance end and daring to cross the line into shame and embarrassment. Pushing a little harder. Wanting it a little more. Letting the wet warmth radiate from my core into a place where a new me is forming. I never knew the clearest moments of essential knowing were to be found in agonizing pain, or maybe I always knew.

It's strange that sometimes where others are weaker, I'm stronger. It's strange that where I was stronger then, now I'm weaker. It's strange that this is me thinking this useless junk.

Nothing like a good bang to start a Tuesday morning. Hopefully my favorite massage therapist is available to give my banged body some attention on Saturday...

You're Prolly Thinkin' I'm Wrong Right?

Turbo Kick! Class was amazing! I got there early expecting the onslaught of post new years resolution folks to fill the room. About half the class was new, and that was great. I hope they all come back. It was nice to have some men in the room. I went for the gusto and wore my hand weights for the first part of class, and for the high-lows. I have my arms in mind for my push ups goal for Kaia! The thing I love about Turbo is the semi-predictability. There is a base of movements that Karen has had a lot of time to instruct me on. Having her help with form has been essential and very much appreciated. Knowing that really helps me to plan around my knee while getting an amazing workout. It also means that I don't spend a lot of time feeling lost while I try to understand what is being asked of me. I think in Kaia I end up doing things wrong or half assed because I don't know what's going on. I think that not knowing whats going on is also important, but it is nice to have a base to come back to. Turbo is also a much more intense cardio workout than Kaia, although Kaia is much more strength focused. Both are important. I do prefer the feel of Turbo. I never feel like I'm in trouble, getting yelled at, or being judged. I feel gently encouraged even when Karen is telling me not to give up. Turbo also has the cool factor that Kaia just doesn't come close to having. Kick ass music and fun moves make it feel kinda like a party. Kaia feels like gym class hell. Maybe it's time for me to be a gym class hero. Damn it why doesn't Kaia have kick ass music?

It's enough to make me want to put up the peace sign, put the index down!



So yeah, I kinda knew that's how I might be feeling after a week of this... and that's why I signed up. What a wonderful chance to validate the valid and notice my reality. I actually do enjoy seeing everyone in the morning. And, yes, I actually do enjoy being cheered on and cheering on my team. I really do. I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like a child. And that is something for me to look more closely at this week. What do I feel like I'm being asked to give up, and is that real? How can I work on being more aware of how I'm feeling in the moment? How can I remember to validate myself during class, especially in the first half of the session, to help myself become more emotionally regulated... to be able to be present for the things that are positive in that time. How can I work to make my little space in the group more self-honoring? How can I work to give my best and push myself while also protecting my knee from injury? How can I meet the very high goals I've set for myself during this winter brik? How can I prepare for the emotions that I know will come up better? How can I be more validating of the experience of the women around me who are also going through this experience by my side? The good thing is that there are 5 more weeks of practice ahead of me. I have plenty of time to work through this, let go of the ego, find compassion, work my body, and meet those goals!

The highest form of meditation is simply living.

Sleep!

I was not in the mood to get up in the morning and feel the rush of judgments that came up when I felt like being committed to a group of chipper peeps was what I wanted to be doing with my time. I didn't want to hear any encouragement about how I was doing a good job. I knew I wasn't because my knee was uncooperative and holding me hostage as a slave to the gravitational pull of the earth. I didn't want to hear it; about how next week we were going to be harder on being late. I wonder if other people like this sort of thing? I prefer not to have my sovereignty stepped on too often for frivolous reasons. And showing up a few minutes late to a cold class outside doesn't feel like good enough of a reason to relinquish my autonomy.

I didn't last too long after class; I fell asleep in my warm bed. I had intensely saturated dreams again. It's interesting the dreams I have after a very hard work out. They are very self reflective and more "true," as well as more "lost."

Curry Tofu Sautee

Ingredients:
2 servings of organic firm tofu
2c Broccoli
.5 Zucchini cut lengthwise thin
.5 Yellow Squash cut lengthwise thin
.25c Onion chopped
.25c Fennel bulb chopped (totally optional)
1 clove Garlic diced
.5 tsp Olive Oil
2/3c Quinoa cooked

Instructions:
Cook the quinoa. I soak it in water for 20 minutes and drain using a sieve. Put the drained quinoa into a pot of boiling water. I don't measure it, it's not picky. Boil for 20-30 minutes until you see the little curly-q's show up. Drain. I cook enough to last for the week since it reheats well.

Drain and dry the tofu. I use a few paper towels to soak up the excess moisture from the tofu. Crumble into pan with olive oil and cook on medium high heat until brownish and the excess moisture is gone. Add broccoli, onion, garlic, squash, zucchini, fennel, and spices of your choice. For this dish I went for a curry flavor with Cumin, Turmeric, and Paprika, and Kosher salt.

Sautee and serve over quinoa.

I Hate My Knee Today

Today has been rough and real so far. We did 3 minute sets today of an assortment of exercises. My body feels fatigued from the week of hard workouts. I've been watching my knee after the pain I felt in Kaia Flow yesterday. Today my knee was really hurting with some of the movements we did. I get so frustrated when I feel like the rest of my body can do a bit more, but my knee won't let me. I used to have pain problems in my ankle when I first started. I remember feeling the same sort of frustration. Today it got to the point that almost no matter what I did my knee was screaming at me. I always feel unsure about what to do when the class instructor is saying not to give up and my knee is killing me. I know that continuing to cause pain doesn't help anything. I'm going to really focus on getting knee rest over the weekend. Ibuprofen and ice are going to be my friends along with a lot of stretching and hot baths. I don't want my knee to totally take me out of commission again. I was so happy when I was able to go back to Turbo Kick after being in physical therapy. I don't want to take a hiatus again. So it's very important to stop when it hurts and do something else. And when I feel it getting wobbly, it's time to stop moving it. I have to be mindful whenever we do movements that can cause knee pain. Take it slow, Carmen. I'm still strengthening from the injury... and it hasn't been all that long. The muscles will get stronger, I'll keep losing weight, and I will be able to do more... maybe just not today. Low impact, high intensity.

I cried today. I felt so overwhelmed with frustration and shame that I wanted to kick something. That would not have helped my knee. All I felt like I could do was cry because I really didn't want to give up. Maybe I have to start thinking about it as caring for myself so I can continue to keep moving instead of giving up.

Kaia Flow

Yoga was exactly what my body needed this morning. And a moment of mindfulness was exactly what my mind needed. This morning was one of those days, when I wake up feeling anxious and disconnected. Nothing felt quite right this morning and it was difficult to accept. When I got to Kaia I felt like I was heading down the road of dysregulation. I didn't really want to be there today. So I took a couple of minutes to bring my focus back into my body before class began. I focused on the feel of the air on my skin and on the feel of my body in contact with the floor. I know feeling confused makes me anxious. I think I felt confused about the detox and meal plan "suggestions." I felt frustrated that reading the literature provided wasn't much help. It also made me infinitely grateful that I didn't walk into Kaia without first having a good base established through the work I did with John. I can see how this could been very frustrating if I was coming into fitness for the first time. I think for people who are more people-people it would be more inviting, but for me it can feel quite intimidating. I have grown to love group fitness over time and love observing (and occasionally participating) in the interactions of the group. But if this was my first exposure to it I think I would have felt quite lost.

Carry has been an amazing support in helping me to not feel so lost with this new perspective. It must be a lot of work to field the questions from the whole bunch if everyone has as many questions as I do.

Tomorrow is going to be intense. I'm excited and nervous for tomorrow, my second Double-D this week. If my knee cooperates, I'll be doing Kaia at 5:30 am and Turbo Kick at 5:30 pm. Maybe I will feel a bit more connected to my being tomorrow. That would be nice.

OHMYGODICANHOOPONMYCHEST!

This hooping move has been frustrating me for awhile. I thought hooping on my chest just wasn't something I'm capable of doing because of my arms getting in the way. Tonight I spent 30 minutes with the hoop just having fun with it and dancing to some awesome music. I felt especially energetic so I started doing the chest isolations in the hoop really focusing on the back push. Low and behold the hoop popped up to my chest! I thought it was a fluke so I started at the waist again and tried it-- and the hoop popped up again! I was so excited that I tried popping one arm down into the hoop and the hoop didn't fall down! I can only do one arm right now, but I will be working on alternating the arms now! I really need a video camera!!! I LOVE how that move looks! I'm so excited! Oh my god I can hoop on my chest!!!

The move is at 1:11 in the video. =)

Breathe, Breathe, Stretch

Today Kaia was a really fun mix of all kinds of different exercises. We bounced back and forth between many things and ended in a nice circle passing the handbags around. It was great to see how everyone decorated their bags. There was a lot of beautiful unique color and style. It's a reflection of the many individuals in this conglomeration; each one with their own unique style; each one with something special to share.

I had to take a moment to be mindful of uncomfortable emotions this morning. I always feel pretty embarrassed when I'm commended in class. I'm not sure why it feels so uncomfortable for me. There is a part of me that does feel encouraged and there is a part that feels shame. (Wow, that is an unexpected emotion to notice. I didn't notice it until I sat down to think about it right now.) In class I was only able to notice that it felt "uncomfortable." I hate how so many positive emotions often get paired with shame for me. I guess this is a really good time for me to be mindful and validating of the totality of my emotions and let go of judgments that I somehow don't deserve to be commended. It's also good to notice that this is a community built on a supportive foundation, and that there will be a lot of these sorts of commendations floating around. And it would also be good to note that I really do think that is kinda nice!

Today is my fist Double-D (double day). I'm going to do 30 minutes of practice with my hoop this evening. I am going to work on a few of the movements that have been giving me trouble and I'm going to do some work to condition my muscles in my back for chest hooping. Chest isolations, baby. My second Double-D will be on Thursday. Thursdays will very much be my tough days physically. I have to be sure to eat all my calories at the right times and drink all my water because I'm planning on doing Turbo Kick at 5:30 pm this week. I will also be picking up a Turbo on Saturday this week as well. So I will have to very careful to watch my form with things that could trip up my knee and I have to be aware of knee swelling after the workouts.

I'm not sure how closely we are supposed to follow the meal planning suggestions for Kaia. I'm not sure exactly sure what the detox for week 1 is targeting. I haven't stopped eating meat for this week because that seemed like it would have taken more time than I had to plan my meals for the week. So I'm pretty much eating the same mix of foods, just tracking them more stringently and cracking down on the random snacking I've been doing for the holidays. I'm not thrilled about the Kaia detox drinks. Since I don't know what we are really targeting with the detox, I'll just drink a bit more of my EveryDay Detox tea and be religious about taking a daily dose of Olive Leaf Complex. I have never tracked fiber before and was pleased to see that my pretty standard meal plan for a Monday has 45 grams of fiber. With a goal of 30-35 that's wootness!

I can't wait to go shopping later with Carry. I can always use new ideas for foods I can add to my meal plans. Variety is the spice of life!

Kaia: Fit Test

Today was the inaugural day of the Kaia F.I.T. Winter Brik. I don't really know what "Brik" is. I'm not sure if it's an acronym. Maybe it stands for "Bootcamps Really Intense Kousin" or "Bring Rubbers In Kase." But maybe it's just the foundational building block for the whole Kaia program. I'm surprised how awake I felt after not sleeping all that great. I was so exited for this morning that I kept waking up through the night to check the clock because I didn't want to oversleep.

I started with the 2 cups of water John would always try to get me to drink as soon as I wake up. Of all the things he has ever asked me to do, that one if the most difficult. I can see how critical it will be while I'm doing this. Maybe it will even train me so that I continue doing it on a regular basis! Wouldn't that make John proud.

When I did the 5k on New Years Day I only wore a thermal wicking chest. I was still pretty frozen even with all the layers I was wearing. I decided today to wear full length thermal wicking shirt and pants under my layers. That made all the difference. I was able to warm up and keep my heat and not feel chilled. Score!

First round with Carry:
We did 2 parts of the fitness test. For my semi-randomized group of people dressed in black we started with squats, jacks, high knees, sit ups (I did crunches are those the same thing?), and push ups (on my knees). We repeated the cycle several times and recorded our best numbers. I felt like I really gave it full energy and I was proud of my effort.

I remember back to "the beginning" (aka May 2010) I could barely walk a mile without extreme pain. I couldn't do a single regular jack and did a modified version with one foot because of the pain in my ankles and legs. And I couldn't do a single push up. Now I can do jacks-- and that is very exciting for me. The day I was able to overcome the force of gravity and get my ass airborne was a very exciting day. Since then I've been able to do a little more over time (as long as my knee cooperates). Some days I have to back off of the jumping when my knee is swelling, but I seem to recover easily with very little pain now that I know how to pay more attention to what my knee is telling me. I don't know what the time was for these... I'll have to check. So my first round numbers:
Squats: 19
Jacks: 25
High Knees: 17
Sit ups (crunch style): 20
Push ups (Darrell style): 10

(really?!? I don't remember doing 10!!! OMG! I did them Darrel style I think-- as best as I can remember- going down till my upper arms are parallelish and pushing back up-- I hope I did them right. As I got fatigued I would go farther down and really have to struggle to come back up. I'm sure I didn't really do 10 that sounds freaking impossible! wow that is some sort of kickass milestone to start out with!)

Second round with Robin:
...didn't go all that great. I consciously know that my work over the past 6 months has really been cardio focused. The most strength I get is in Turbo Kick when we do sculpt or at the end part of the class. So it's not surprising that the movement exercises that require more strength and coordination are very difficult for me. Something to improve on, right. I do want to work on my muscle strength more, especially in my upper body, and very especially in my abs. I remember starting Turbo Kick- when we would do abs, I could only do feet-on-the-wall-abs- and I never really ever got sore. My sister had the same experience with her ab work, there was a long delay before she noticed soreness. I've only recently begun to feel REALLY sore after ab work. It was at the beginning of December when I noticed feeling more sore and that I'm able to at least attempt the ab things everyone else in class is doing. I can't usually quite keep up or do them for the full duration (although I try with every ounce of energy to) but I can at least do them until I'm seriously fatigued or hurting now-- and I feel it the next day. I think maybe my ab muscles were so weak that it took 6 months to get them primed to be able to really do the work. Whatever the case may be, my abs feel very noob to the process and will be a focus for me. Also my arms, I have been really focusing on working my arms by pushing myself with adding weights when we do high lows in Turbo, by adding weights in the beginning of class, and by grabbing a heavier weight when we do arm work. I can see the difference in going from 0 to 10 pushups! I am going to keep this up and really work on arm strength. I want Jessica Biel's don't-fuck-with-me-arms. So my round 2 numbers... don't laugh at me!

Squat Thrusts: 7 I think... (before I got confused about what we were doing because everyone else moved onto another exercise. I kept catching myself wanting do to burpees... it took me SO long to learn to do one that it's programmed into muscle memory now... it's also easier on my knees so I think my knee tells my brain, "Burpee please!")

Show-boarder: 6 I think... (before I got confused- AGAIN- and everyone else moved on.)

Skier Abs: 4.24 minutes to complete the requisite number- I don't know how many that was- maybe 15.

I don't know if we did something else. I was honestly feeling pretty lost, confused, and inadequate during this part. I tried to keep bringing myself back to the exercise at hand in between panting on my hands and knees and feeling confused about weather or not I was supposed to complete the exercise to the end or move on with the rest of the class. I'd be wiling to do this part of the fit test again with some clarification so I can have a good baseline to compare against. I did so bad that I know there will be progress to be seen here. (I know, bad is a judgment. Maybe it's best to say I didn't do as well as I would have liked and was confused about the direction. I really did my best and worked on not beating myself up and not giving up. So that is a star for me.)

Oh and did I forget to mention that we did this outside in a park at 5:30 in the morning? The high for today is 34 and the low last night was somewhere around 10 (deg-F). So you can imagine how cold it was pre-dawn on icy grass!

So after that I signed my properly dated death waiver and went home to quickly change for work. For the next 6 weeks I'm going to be a sweaty worker since I don't have time to shower before getting to work at 7 (or as close as possible to 7). Thank goodness I already went through the whole dripping disgusting discarded defilement, perspiration pore purging, blackhead buildup breaking-out, seeping synthetic soiled sweat, oosing oily oughta-be oleoresin phase. Whew!

I know my abs are going to be hurting later... yay! My arms also feel a little noodley, and I think my upper arms and pecs will be feeling it later for sure. If I didn't have to go to Reno tonight I would totally hit Turbo Kick later. That will hopefully be my fun double day workout. I don't feel worn out or used up... just really hungry and wobbly. I have to do my schedule-- once Total Fitness gets the calendar up I'll plan out my month.

Now I'm just waiting around for SNACK TIME!

Yarrr!

You've Got To Work Hard.... If You Wan't Anything At All!

My 10 pound handbag for Kaia F.I.T.! We made weights out of sacs of dirt! We have to decorate them with something that will inspire us. Number one inspiration: DEPECHE MODE! And the Exciter tour has the most beautiful magical memories! I'm so ready for this!

You knew it would come to this...
Here is a pretty awesome cover of Work Hard by Depeche Mode!!!

Getting Ready for Kaia

I spent my day preparing for Kaia F.I.T. tomorrow morning. I was going to eat my last cous cous for 6 weeks, but I ran out. So I started an evening early.

I was happy to find out that my meal plans now mostly are Kaia-compatible. I had to make a few adjustments, but nothing major. In my meal plans over the past 6 months I have been willing to accept some artificial ingredients. I certainly don't eat as much as I used to, so I was fine accepting a little. Here are the adjustments I made today:

Yogurt: I usually buy the Sunnyside Farms Light Vanilla Yogurt. It does have artificial sweetener so I picked up a plain organic light yogurt at Raleys that is also non-gmo. This is a change I might feel good about keeping after the 6 week program since it fits into my value system currently (given that the new yogurt scheme is just as delicious as the artificial stuff.) I'll give it a go and see.

Garlic Chile Sauce: There are 2 ingredients in this sauce that I had to find substitutes for. I'm going to have to play around with this to find a happy medium. This will not be a permanent change. I can really taste a difference in the sauce. One change was the mirrin. I'm not sure if "no alcohol" applies to tiny quantities of cooking alcohols, so I replaced it with rice vinegar. The other replacement was honey. I know sugar is the devil, but really? Honey? I usually use a teaspoon in the sauce. I made a replacement sweet-goo out of chia, tea, and purevia. I was trying to replace the sweetness and consistency. The sauce now tastes artifical. There really is not a replacement for that honey in the sauce. Only 6 weeks.

Cous Cous: Replaced one for one with quinoa. I'm ok with that. I like quinoa and had enough organic quiona to make enough for the week.

I know I'll have to replace the mirrin and honey in the miso glaze. That is going to be a VERY chia heavy sauce. I already have chia as a thickener in the sauce... We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. My veggie sautee is the same-- and I love it. I'm so glad to have my swiss chard back. Those collard greens just weren't cutting it for me. My sautee is now back to full yumminess. I baked chicken for the next several days salads and started hydrating for tomorrow morning.

Ok the sauce isn't that bad... but I miss the honey anyhow.

I was happy to discover that I lost 5 pounds in the month of December despite all of the family and friends eating episodes. I'm glad I kept up with the workouts while I traveled! Saved my butt.

I expect to be sore tomorrow. I expect my blisters to annoy me if we run or anything. I expect to feel irritated and uncomfortable at feeling like I don't belong in a group. I expect to have fun. I expect to be cold. And I expect to have to remind myself at least 10 times to be aware and nonjudgmental of myself and others. Compassion Carmen.

I WIN

I was certainly an uncomfortable experience doing a 5k in the snow. The temperature when I left the apartment was 22 degrees F. It wasn't snowing and the air was very still. When I got to City Hall there was still no falling snow as I got registered and started to stretch for the walk. I had my awesome playlist ready to go for the event and my new interval timer set up and ready to keep my times. (The interval timer is awesome it whistles at me when it's time to change my pace.) My plan was to walk and jog intervals for the last 2.2 miles. I've been doing intervals when I work on the treadmill and it has been getting easier to push through the jogging intervals with a fairly easy recovery time in between.

Then... it started to snow. It was a lovely light powdery snow that only falls when it's very cold... and then the temperature dropped a bit. By the time we started the street was white with snow and the walking path was impossible to see-- thank goodness some people had maps. There were signs, but even those were difficult to see if you weren't looking in the right direction for them. (I wasn't wearing my glasses because it was harder to see with the melting snow on them.) This was the poorest planned 5k I have done to date. The registration table was set up with no cover so the poor workers (who didn't have their winter coats donned) were getting snowed on. They were entering information into a laptop-- while they tried to keep it protected from the falling snow-- and there were very few volunteers coordinating the event. There were no people at any of the turns to keep you from making a wrong turn. There was no one available to help if needed. And there were no water stations.

I was able to get 3 jog intervals in early in the race before the streets got to be too slippery for me to feel comfortable moving that fast. Twice I almost really slipped which would have been a scary situation. I decided to wear warmer socks since it was so cold. That probably wasn't the best idea since I am ultra picky about my socks because my feet are so sensitive, really. I'm not just being the princess and the pea here, but I can totally relate to her dilemma. If the sock is too rough a cotton or has too big of ribs on it they hurt me. And forget wearing those standard absorbent-type white cuff gym socks-- those are torture. So I go out of my way to find nice microfiber (bamboo if possible) socks for working out. I got blisters after about mile 1 on the balls of my feet.

Everyone always easily passes me up at these walks. It's hard not to compare yourself to other people when the damn thing is called a race. I have to try hard to put that thought out of my head and focus on my reality as it exists in front of me at that moment-- and just do my absolute best. Perhaps it would be worth noting that most of those people probably have been fitter longer than me and have probably not just lost 53 pounds since June.

Despite all that thinking I did kind of give up at the end of mile 2. I felt like it was useless to push myself because I will never "win." Then a kick ass song came up on my playlist and reminded me that I'm doing this for myself- and that is a win no matter when I get there. I picked up the pace and worked past my blisters and cold, wet feet. I walked with intention and mindfulness of my experience. Cold, really uncomfortable pain in my quads, judgments, worries, very cold, and happy to be there to feel it all.

Into mile 3 the excitement of finishing kicked in and I felt my mind slipping into that warm, wet place of non-thought. I love that place! The roads got quite slippery at that point and I had to slow down a bit to accommodate my sliding feet. I'm nervous about slippery surfaces having slipped and really hurt my tailbone before.

I had ice in my hair from the sweat and frozen falling snow. My nose wouldn't stop running. My hands were numb. My feet were icy. I was probably near last.

I finished.

And only 1 minute 11 seconds slower than my last 5k that was in warmer, drier conditions with better guidance and facilitation on the track.

My body has been in quite the state of shock today. I slept and had consuming dreams after I warmed up enough to stop coughing. I think the exercise in the cold irritated my lungs causing exercise-induced bronchoconstriction after the race. Once I warmed up they stopped. I felt icy cold AND burning hot for hours and I couldn't think straight. Maybe was a bit hypothermic. And ohmygod I hurt. I've been drinking water-- and I fed a massive craving for pasta. I normally dont go out to eat and certainly not for pasta. But I was wondering if my body was kindly requesting carbs since I may have burned them up. I figured a new years day pasta run was in order. I didn't eat much, but I feel much better now.

As far as I can tell:

I WIN!