Today was my appointment with at the Dentist's Office. I thought we might just be doing xrays and discussing next steps, but the dentist surprised me and said he wanted to do an extraction today. I kinda knew that the tooth would have to be pulled, but I didn't think it would have to be pulled immediately. The tooth had an infection so that's that. I bled for longer than I expected to, but it finally calmed down and I'm feeling alright now. I think the vicodin feels especially effective against the pain right now, so I'm only taking a half at a time.
Last night's breakdown was something I wasn't really expecting either. After meditating on the questions I felt I had to work at the edge of, I found myself in a spin. I feel like I'm a bit too fatigued to start writing about it right now. I cried so hard. But it wasn't bad. I welcomed it and opened my heart to the weeping. Mourning for the lack of something I'm not sure I've ever consciously wept for (but something that I always feel the lack of.) I cried on my hands and knees, not repenting, but accepting. I looked up and saw a piece of a new world that I've created for myself. The tears were an acknowledgement and a letting go. It's ok, because right now, I love myself. I care tenderly for myself as I continue to work to recreate my reality. I soothe myself because I know it's a long process, but I have already made the decision, and I make the decision every day.
There is still work to do, yes. There are still old ways of being that aren't helping me. There are still old blocks that need to be undone. I'm so grateful for the many teachers I have to help me find them and nudge them out of my perception.
I think it's time to let myself be lulled to sleep.
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