I think I'm starting to learn...

I'm starting to find that these little diversions life gives me aren't the reason for getting off track with my diet and exercise goals, they are exactly my reason for staying committed. This rollercoaster of life has surprised me at every turn. I thought I had faced the most difficult pain after watching my father give in to his dark urges of self destruction and alcoholism. And after my friend Alita passed away last year, I thought all hope was lost. Then I found hope, true hope for the first time in my life. And then had to bury my grandfather earlier this year. And when I thought the dust had settled, I found out that we lost another friend. I guess her death was ruled accidental overdose. I'm not really sure, and I guess it's not all that important now. We sat together in the same room talking about the same fears, fighting the same urges. She isn't here now. I kept a carnation from her casket to remind me of her presence. What is one supposed to hang on to at a time like this? When all else that is "real" fades, all that is left is a distilled version of the truth, the essence of being. And I guess that is all that is really worth anything at all. We are born, we breathe, we exist, we cry, we fight, we love, and we die. I say this not to belittle the signifigance of anyone's life at all, but to highlight the critical nature of the things we do while were here. The connections we make with each other are real. They transcend time and place and weave us into the fabric of the universe. Every thread, every word, every intention is an essential part of the beautiful nature of the universe. So, in the face of so much pain and loss, I have found that when I keep punching and keep breathing, I'm continuing to weave the pattern that will become the essence of my place here. What kind of pattern do I want to weave with the ones I love? What gentle spirals will my spirit leave when I pass? What can I do to be sure that the beauty of the friends and family who are no longer here with me are never forgotten? I will plant pink flowers in every place I settle so that Alita's sweet lace glitter dreams are never forgotten. I will plant corn wherever I live so that my grandfather's lifetime of caring lives on in all who eat the corn. And I will wait for the gift of vision from Larissa so that I can grow a seed that always reminds me of her dancing passionate smile. I am on this journey not to lose weight, but to live this life in a way that honors those I love.