It felt nice to go based on some loving-kind direction this weekend. My emotions finally erupted into an evening of too much alcohol and wanton disregard for all the hard work and sweat I've been doing for Kaia lately. I know I only end up hurting myself when I have these episodes. It somehow felt entirely justified given the intensity of the emotions I felt during the week. In an effort to help my body rid itself of the toxins, I spent my hangover day drinking tons of water and paid a much needed visit to the treadmill. Today I went back to the gym a little more prepared to do some work. I did some treadmill intervals and did some weights. It felt great to tune out to some Depeche Mode while running away from all of my worries. At least while the work interval was on.
Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Kaia. I imagine that it will be difficult to return. My knee isn't entirely cooperating. It's been difficult to keep the swelling at bay after any of the Kaia workouts. I'm icing my knee as we speak. I spent some time heating up the quad muscles and stretching earlier. And I'm taking a lot of ibuprofen in preparation for what I expect to be a difficult week. The other side of my fears are rooted in the negative emotions I expect to come up while in class. I haven't received a response to my unhappiness with the class atmosphere. I think my opinions have been written off. I think I'm probably the lost cause in the class. I'm not going to give up. I just know that I won't be going back once this is done. Hopefully I can see John again as his training minion after this is over. I know that I can do a lot physically... enough to keep getting stronger and losing weight. I feel like the whole Kaia routine is just damaging my knee and my morale. I've been left feeling like I'm useless, lazy, never trying hard enough, and like I'm just a lost cause. I have very little motivation to feel concerned about meeting any of the arbitrary "goals" that I've set starting out on this path. At this point my main goal is to finish without feeling like shit about myself every day. I'm going to try to tape self-validation to my arm to remind myself while being yelled at that I'm not actually worthless.
If I'm not liking it I may just start doing my own thing. I've already disowned the idea of feeling like I have any responsibility to this "team." My only responsibility is to myself. Period. Call me a discompassionate self-absorbed frigid bitch.
I won't call you that. Any trainer worth their weight in salt will at the very least do some encouraging. You are not in a boot camp, you are not in the military You are there to do what you need to do to help you lose the weight and feel better about your physical self. There is NO amount of verbal abuse on their part that is acceptable. You don't have to take it. I am pretty sure you didn't pay for the abuse. I'd demand my money back.
ReplyDeleteChin up, though. You know you ARE worth something.. to your friends if not yourself. Well to me anyway. Love you tons!