July 31, 2010

Running on Fumes

I haven't been tracking my food for the past couple of days. I've been trying to keep myself upright mentally, and it's been difficult. I found out that my friend's death was ruled a suicide. Finding that out on Thursday was like reliving her loss. I've been grieving her loss for a month since I found out. It's been a rough road. Thursday was like lighting the vapors. I was already feeling emotionally fragile from everything, now so much more emotion has been added to the pile. I suspected that it might have been a suicide, but hoped with all my being that it wasn't.

The first thing to go out the window was the eating. I just haven't wanted to eat. I haven't been tracking my calories but I'm sure that I'm not eating enough. I'm skipping snacks or meals because I often feel so overwhelmed with emotion that I just cry. At my trainers urging I went to Turbo Kick anyways on Thursday. I got confused in middle of class and ended up breaking down crying. The combination of the heat with my lack of eating and emotional distress pretty much shut down my brain for awhile. I felt so bad about my little breakdown in class that I just wanted to hide. I thought everyone would judge me and think I'm weak. It took awhile to understand that anyone might feel this devastated after losing a close friend to suicide. Yesterday I went to Zumba for the first time. That was the instructor I really liked from Cycle. Too bad she isn't teaching cycle today. She makes me smile.

Yesterday was a little better. I received some much needed validation that I am, in fact, dealing with this like a "normal person." I was feeling worried that I might lose my mind with the intensity of the grief I felt. Now I know that's just natural.

My calorie intake over the past two days coupled with the stress of not sleeping well, emotional drain, heat, and social anxiety have made it difficult to exercise. But I am really focusing on the fact that I tried. Even at this time, when it feels like I'm going to melt into tears, I'm still trying to hang onto life.

Today I'm starting with a good breakfast and water. Then I'm going to go to cycle. And then, who knows, this might turn out to be a very different day from there.

July 25, 2010

Beef Brisket!

I met up with a couple friends on Saturday for some beef brisket and fun. I was scared to get together with these 2 friends again. The last time I saw them I got talked into going to the Nugget and gorging myself on hash browns. I prepared by eating a good, light, lunch before heading up to Reno. I didn't want to be starving before going to hang out with these food-lovers. We went to a BBQ place I've never been to in Reno before. I went with the brisket (my favorite). I gave the sides to one friend and the extra brisket to the other. I portioned out the brisket when I got it into a little heap that looked like maybe 5oz. (I counted 6 in my journal.) I had the sauce on the side and used it sparingly. I also had 2 regular-sized slices of wheat bread. I got a hotter sauce than usual so I didn't feel like I was missing out on any flavor. Heat has been my friend lately. Somehow, if it's spicy, I feel like I've had something delicious. That's funny because I never liked spicy before. Maybe I need to write an article about this, "Living in Heat."

My friend Allan really noticed a difference in me. He had to do a double take. That really makes me happy. I love hearing his stories of misadventure and girls. It's awesome to see that we are all moving forward in life in different ways.

Freaking Rice

I'm tired of Minute Rice. It just doesn't taste the same. I need a rice cooker. I didn't like the Black and Decker or the Aroma. So I added a Sanyo to my wish list. Maybe I need a nice digital display.

So this is totally expected:
1). my butt hurts from the cycle saddle. I knew this was coming, so at least I wasn't caught off guard by it. I just have to sit carefully for awhile. I also have to keep going so I get used to it.
2). I'm sore all over. Not very sore, just a little. Just enough.

I'm considering the possibility of doing a quick 30 minute walk today. We'll see how I feel after coffee.

(Post Script: My quick, relaxing walk idea got scrubbed when my trainer walked in. Although it is always nice to see him, it always results in more sweat and work for me. 3 miles.)

July 24, 2010

Miles Away

The past several days have been a roller coaster for me (and probably anyone unfortunate to have to be in contact with me.) I feel like my emotions have walked all over me. I've felt intense highs and intense lows. Right now I feel entirely bad that I waste so much of my trainers time with bullshit.

I felt very disconnected from him on Thursday. I was in a heightened emotional state, which he said was bullshit. That sent me further into feeling sadness and shame. I know he was just trying to motivate me to do the race. I know he doesn't realize the intensity of my painful emotions. Or maybe he does and he really does think it's bullshit. I don't know. I know he's not trying to hurt me and that his intentions are to help me reach my goals. I just hope that maybe next time developing some motivation might take a less invalidating route.

I very much appreciate the people who are in my life to help me. Sometimes it's difficult to accept the help because it feels like, "I can't do this." I am tired of the fear. Sometimes it feels like I'm being thrown into the ocean to learn how to swim though. I know that's an extreme analogy, but I felt intensely afraid and it was a positive experience.

So I finished the 5K (3.2 miles) in 52 minutes. I do feel accomplished and very proud of myself. Rethinking about it all does bring up a lot of feeling of shame though. I feel bad that it was so emotionally difficult.

This morning I went to my first Cycle class at the fitness club. Wow. That is one of my goals. I think I can put a check-mark next to that one. The class was 60 minutes and I think I did great. I remember the last time I tried a class, I think I lasted 5 minutes before I walked out. It's negative experiences like that that make me afraid to try. I wish I knew how to have more faith in myself. Today, though, was great. I had fun. I like the instructor. And I know I will be adding that to my calendar in the future.

Now I'm a bit sore all over. My arms, legs, back, and sides. That's pretty much everything.

July 22, 2010

FEAR

So John nailed it on the head. It's fear. I'm terrified for tomorrow. I'm really anxious about the social aspect of this 5K walk. I've actually been totally freaking out about it. I just don't want to go.

I felt almost completely disconnected from John today. There was something very sad and stressful about that. He makes me laugh though. I love to see him smile, really smile.

So I can go or not go. I asked a couple of people if they would go with me to help ease the anxiety I'm having about it. They both said no. So it's all me. I think I'll be happy when this is over so I can get back to my regular schedule.

How am I going to do this?

July 20, 2010

The Onion Called Carmen

I felt very focused on talking time to peel back some of the layers of my life today. I've been bothered by the glimpse I had into myself while working out the other day. I understood for a moment that I am not who I think I am. There are the things I do, the things I think, and underneath it all, there is something else. I felt urgent in my desire to take some time to think about these things, until I talked to John. He had such a soothing effect on my soul. I struggled with thoughts and emotional urges more than any day we've trained. I almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Between his uncomfortable questions that highlighted my lack of relationships and the images on TV (and the memories that followed) I felt my heart race and my world close in. Almost instinctively, or maybe without any thought at all, he changed the subject and asked me some interesting questions that pulled me out of my head. He helped get me present and all back on the treadmill and he got me moving again. In a way I'm really embarrassed that he has seen some of the aspects about who I am that I hate the most. I feel weak is so many ways, and he sees them all. Somehow, though, I'm sure he doesn't judge me. I don't know why.

I love the way he hears me. He listens, and considers it for awhile. Sometimes a long while. Then he responds from a place of thought and contemplation, with such insight that I hardly know how to react sometimes. His ideas are so well formed that I don't feel like I have to time to chew on them until I get home. I wonder if he knows the power of his thinking and insight.

I disclosed to him that I would be sad for the day that this training relationship ends. All things do come to an end. I was encouraged that he'd consider being a friend beyond that time though. I can't imagine that things would be too terribly different if the professional lines weren't there and he was able to really "kick my ass," as he put it. Although we have some pretty great conversations, I do see our relationship as based in a professional place. What would happen if that changed. I wonder what thoughts or words get filtered because of the propriety required by his position, or mine.

I took down the photographs that were triggering for me. Now, it's time for me to peel my own image from the mirror. It's time for me to feast on my life.

On a side note, I think the last REALLY bad (a.k.a. good) meal I had was in New Orleans. That thin fried catfish with buttery potatoes. Oh that was a huge heap of fried heaven. Why doesn't our fried food taste that good???

Solitude

I'm feeling kind of emotional today. I'm having the thought that I should just give up. I'm having the thought that nobody likes me, that I'm an annoyance and a burden. I'm having the thought that I'm such a deep pool of negativity, that people don't want to talk to me. I feel like I don't belong. I feel broken and unlovable. I feel abandoned. I feel like I have to hold my sadness close because it's not acceptable to show that emotion. I feel it in my body. A tension that wraps around my chest and stomach. An all-over pain that isn't from working out or sleeping wrong. It feels like a pain from being wrong. My face feels heated as if I just wept. My mind feels numb. I want to be close to people, but my own melancholy has forced me into solitude. I have nothing to give, nothing to share with another person. Just my pain and my thoughts.

But I think that's not enough.

If I do have a place here, I'm in it now. This is my place. Accepting it is sad, lonely. But maybe there will be some liberation in embracing it.

July 18, 2010

On a lighter note, literally...

I am officially a new size. When I started 2 months ago I was at the upper end of a size 22-24 in pants and a 24-26 dress shirt. I am officially a size 20 pants now. In fact, the size 20 pants I got are not tight on me at all, the fit comfortably. I also got 2 size 20 tops, and they fit! My arms are still big so I have to look for a looser cut in the arms, but stuff sure is shrinking!

Getting Out Of My Own Way

I think it is going to take awhile for the dust to settle in my life. I have a daily practice to work on and I'm going to do it in combination with my workouts. Hopefully a paired commitment of complete and total effectiveness in every aspect of my life can help get me through this tough time. In the past it would have been easy to walk away and give up at a time like this, when everything feels too hard. This is a different day. I'm going to try the more difficult road today to see where it leads me.

My own thoughts get in my way and create intense suffering. Losing a close friend is sad, but the thoughts that reality shouldn't be this way make living through it hell. All I have right now is myself. What I thought were life-long close friends are distant, absent. My relationships all seem to be with people who are also living in the muck. I've been seeing the self-centered side of people as I go through this difficult time. Very few people take the time to ask how I'm feeling. I wish I had better relationships. But right now all I have to get through this is myself.

I'd like to include my trainer in the list of people I count as reliable in my life, along with my therapists. I'm not sure if this friendship will last past the time allotted because of the nature of our friendship. I'd like to believe that he would consider being a friend past the time we are spending together at the gym. I appreciate his insight into life. He is unique. I know my relationship with my therapist will go on long after I am officially graduated from DBT. She has invested so much into me and has gained my full trust. She gives me the stability I have always sought in relationships. She tries to see underneath the waves, underneath the behavior, to see me.

That's all I really want in this life, to be seen. Why is that the most difficult thing? I am going to try to embrace this life of solitude and cleansing. I find myself asking, "Who am I?" Without other people, who am I. Without my boyfriend, who am I. Without my best friends, who am I. Through all this pain, as I sit with the quiet and with the screaming, I feel like I am seeing myself for the first time. With all that has happened, I am able to begin getting out of my own way to see the person hidden beneath.

Who is this person?

July 17, 2010

Heat Something

I'm not really sure what happened today. I thought I was doing well. It was a bit of a rough day from the start with minor things burnt eggs. I walked 2 miles at a slower pace than yesterday, but really pushed myself in the second mile. My first clue could have been how warm I felt while walking on the treadmill. I thought I was doing well with my fluid intake. I just felt warm though. I figured it might have been a temperature difference in the building, but I'm now thinking it was my body. After the walk I did laundry. That's when I really started feeling awful. I felt crampy, nauseated, hot, clamy, and dizzy. I ate and had an apple and crackers before lunch. I kept drinking a lot of water, but I kept feeling worse. Finally, while I was shopping it hit me, the first of the stomach cramps. I went home and ended up curled on the floor for awhile with stomach and body cramps, a headache, nausea, and foggy thinking. Thank goodness for Russell and John's advice. I drank some electolyte fluid and ate a chocolate bar (Attune.) After a couple of hours of resting in a cool bed with a wet towel on my head and neck I started to feel better.

I got dizzy one other time after working out, but it was nothing like this. It really crept up on me and hit me hard. I still feel very thirsty. I've had 1.5 liters of water, 2 quarts of electrolyte fluid (zero cal Powerade), and I'm still drinking more water. I can't quench the thirst. I'm exhausted and still warm though, so I think I will try to get some sleep.

Of course, I feel bad for this heat episode. I feel like I shouldn't have done this. I should done a better job. I have the thoughts that: I'm weak, I'm stupid, I'm a burden on the world, All I do is annoy people, I should knock it off. It'd be a nice time to apply a little non-judgment and forgiveness to myself right now I think. It was almost 100 degrees outside today.

July 16, 2010

Clarity

This morning was kinda rough. I went to see John. He wanted me to go to the Pure Muscle class. I felt a bit off balance as it was. I cried off an on for an hour before I went to the fitness club so I was pretty emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. The class had already started. So I was late and that was dysregulating. Then someone near me kept talking. She was pretty judgmental. So that stacked on top of the environment made me feel overwhelmed. Ever time she talked I felt like she was talking about me. I finally started to get really upset, so I just left.

I was so afraid that John was going to be disappointed with me for not doing what he asked. I always try to do my best to do what he has asked me to do. I texted him and decided to do the treadmill. I was upset, angry, and I kept bursting into tears. I decided that I didn't want to think or feel, so I aimed at walking at a fast pace so I could trigger the rush of endorphins.

It worked, I turned up the music (the Industrialize Me station on Pandora) and kept pushing myself until the stream of thoughts, judgments, and anger calmed. Sometime after 2 miles John appeared next to me and asked what was wrong. I asked if we could talk about it later. He honored my request and I finished out my 3 miles.

3 miles in 51 minutes and 30 seconds!

I felt empty and clear at the same time. I have firmly decided that I don't like classes that go slow enough for people to chatter. I much prefer Turbo Kick with the loud music and constant exasperating movement. I know people are all too busy to notice me, talk to me, and upset me.

Maybe I can emotionally work up to going back to Pure Muscle, but that experience is exactly what branded my thought of going to the gym before. I hated it because I assume that if someone is that verbally judgmental of themselves, what must they be thinking about me.

I hope I never make anyone feel bad there while I'm criticizing myself. I hope I don't make anyone feel bad for any reason.

I never thought that going for a more advanced class was what I'd prefer. Turns out I still love the intensity.

Yeah, intensity.

July 15, 2010

A Beautiful Blur

At some point my worlds collided. This "fitness thing" used to be a separate part of my life. I put it into a separate section, a unique category, as a stand-alone event. At some point, I'm not really sure when, this became much more. It's maybe no surprise that at about the same time I started to really notice changes in my body. I'm not a separate me on the treadmill. I'm now simply just me. I still have moments of fear and anxiety. Sometimes, however, I just smile. An inner smile that comes from just breathing in something wonderful. At some point John became more himself to me as well. It's as if life itself has become more real, more vivid.

On Wednesday, on my drive home from Reno, the mountains looked especially colorful and splendid. I looked around and felt connected. I feel loved. I appreciate being able to take the next step

My blog changed too. This is becoming truly me. You will know much more about me if you read this than just what I've eaten.

I've been considering what it is that's left in me when it feels like there is nothing left of me. What is it that is left when true hope feels like it's evaporated. It's an interesting feeling. I used to walk around telling myself to hang on because the next moment might feel better. This past month, that thought hasn't worked so well for me. It feels as if at every turn, I've experienced more sadness, more grief. Even hopelessness. But there is something beneath even the hope that breathes life in me. Survivalism. Consciousness. Connectedness. Even if I know that the next moment might not be better, I hang on. Even if I know that the next moment might hurt, I keep on taking the next step. There is something very powerful in recognizing that even as parts of me feel stripped away, other parts are growing.

July 13, 2010

It's All Good

This post really has nothing to do with health, fitness, or eating well. Maybe eating well.

Sometimes when it's no good, it's all good. Today was a mindfulness battle. I kept feeling overwhelmed today and it's easy to throw in the towel, so to speak, and slip into mindless eating or mindless not eating. Today was different though. I kept taking a moment to drag my mind back to something in the present. Washing the fork. Washing the spoon. Hanging the blinds. Tapping on the keyboard. I also stuck to the meal plan as a way to be mindful of the taste of the food in my mouth.

By the time 5:30 rolled around, instead of feeling drained and overwhelmed, I felt refreshed. This is what Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about with how he wants his employees to feel working at the Mindfulness Stress Reduction Clinic. I was more productive than if I has been entrenched in worry or anxiety. I feel a lot better after working on this practice. Even though it took hours, it worked.

I think I had a great workout. I can't believe how much I sweat on the treadmill today. We did weights first, and wow, that really started me on a different track. I'm not sure if it was expending my energy before walking or if it was that i felt like I was working more. I sweat a lot though and felt great after my mile. It was 19 minutes and something seconds. I'm still now sure how I'll get to 3 miles in 50... but I'm holding that goal in awareness.

It felt amazing that John noticed something different about me today. I asked him what he noticed, and he said he thinks it's everything. Maybe mindfulness is a slimming look for me. Or maybe all this work is changing things in ways that I have a hard time seeing. I notice where my eyes fall when I look at myself. I see every flaw and imperfection, and there is a lot. So I'm not seeing the places that are changing as much as I'm seeing the places that aren't changing.

I wonder what John's personality type is. I think he is probably more intuitive than sensory since he noticed that something was different without being able to pinpoint exactly what was different. I think he is probably introverted with a slight extroverted streak. I think probably more I for sure though. Between thinking or feeling, I'm really not sure. It's usually pretty easy for me to pick that one out in someone, but with him it's not. I certainly have respect for his mind and his thought process. I'm gonna go with borderline between the two tending toward the F side. And perceptual and judgmental... that's another hard one. I'm gonna go with J though because of the role he is playing in my life to help me reign things in. He does seem to have a system of how things should work in his head and that is much more of a J trait. So what does that get us to. INFJ. How did this end up being the blog of analyzing my trainer's meyers briggs type? For sure, Idealist Counselor. If that's the case our relationship pair is Advisor: each has an area of insight the other lacks. Sounds exactly right to me as his insight always surprises me.

July 11, 2010

Goddess Time

I'm trying to incorporate more movement into my days to keep my muscles from feeling cramped after working out. I noticed that I felt really afraid to go for it and exert myself in Turbo Kick yesterday. I was afraid of pushing my muscles so much that I'd be in pain for the rest of the week. I'm not really sure where the limit is for me, but I think I passed on the day we did toning. The people in the class really seem to love toning. I can't say I'm a huge fan of it at the moment. I don't want my fear of overexertion to keep me from doing the best I can do in my workouts. So I'm going to start doing short sessions of yoga or other movement at home.

Today, being Sunday, is my default day of rest. For the most part, if I stick to my intended schedule for the week, Sundays should be free of "gym time." So I decided today to get a fun video off the shelf and have some Goddess Time.

This video is a series of gentle movements that gets the muscles warmed up and relaxed. That's exactly what I needed today. It also has some great reminders to stay mindful and in my body. I'm not the most graceful person, but after an hour of moving like a Goddess, I'm feeling pretty confident.

July 9, 2010

When The Body Speaks

Today I wasn't sure if I was scheduled to meet with John or not. I made a mistake on my calendar and accidentally had myself scheduled to see someone in Reno today. So I figured that I could have just as easily accidentally put John on the calendar for the wrong day or time. It turns out we were scheduled for this morning. So I'm glad I didn't miss it.

I started a little after 9am and walked for almost 40 minutes. I still haven't quite regained my composure. Nothing I have done to this point has felt anything like today did. Before John joined me I was feeling pretty dysregulated, pretty emotional. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do well today. When he joined me he kept cranking up the intensity. He has set a pretty high goal for me. I'm not really sure how I'll get there or when, but there it is. The goal is 3 miles in 50 minutes. So in service of reaching that goal, he kept turning it up. I felt it each time. My mind finally slipped into a place a complete pleasure. The feeling of pleasure was so intense in my brain that all thinking stopped. Each moment that went by sustained the feeling in my body and I finally gave into fully experiencing it. There was nothing going on there about thoughts of attraction or intentional sensuality. The feeling was deeply physical. I kept wanting to be able to think until John told me I don't have to. Being released from the binds of thinking felt like the ultimate pleasure.

What the spirit seeks, the mind will follow. When the body speaks, all else is hollow.

I didn't sweat near as much as Dave in this video. But the moment was just as sexy.

July 8, 2010

What the fuck is "simmer"?

What I really want is life is precision. What I practice is chaos. I am so determined not to give up on this path I've chosen for myself. Today when the opportunity presented itself to justify the decision to eat hot dogs and hamburgers, I reminded myself of why I'm doing this. Sometimes the reason I give is because I don't want to disappoint John. Sometimes I say it's because I just "can't". Today, however, it was an active mindful decision to do what would be effective for achieving my goals. It was a decision to practice the values I want to build in my life.

I suppose I could have eaten more fruit. I felt bad for eating what seemed like too much sugar in the morning though. Honestly, I think I had a distorted perception of reality from the moment I woke up. I was pretty out of sync with the bad dream I had last night. I felt guilty again. I felt like I was still to blame for another person's decision. Logically, I know that's not reality. When I woke up this morning, though, it sure felt real.

I guess it might also be "that time of the month." I don't know... time escapes me these days. That might explain the dizziness and crabbiness today. The emotional roller coaster I'm on also might be pretty well defined by my lack of sleep, lack of eating, and general bad luck these days.

Something has to go right sometime, right?

I am comforted by the precision of my work. I only wish I could make my life fit into a nice standard operating procedure. Life isn't a test tube though. It's messy. I wish I could control my mind. I guess it feels pretty good to at least be able to control what I eat. Making rice eludes me because everyone says to "simmer" it. What is the precise definition of simmer? What temperature at what elevation? For how long? How would I measure that?

And how do I measure progress in my life?

If life were like making brittle, I'd have it down. Give me a number, a target, an objective with subtasks and I'll do it. Leave me to asses right and wrong in the context of my own life, and I'm a wreck.

I feel bad for not being up to working out. I feel like a failure. But what else is new? I guess the effective thing to do right now would be to eat, rest, and prepare for tomorrow. I feel bad for "falling off" so often though. I imagine that most people don't melt down as much as I do. Or maybe everyone else is better at hiding it... or at just doing what needs to be done. I feel needy and whiny. I feel like I'm relentlessly hammering the nails into my hands to crucify myself for not being as "good" as everyone else is. I guess it's time to make the decision to just do what's effective for this moment. I can do that. Sleep.

July 6, 2010

Meal Planning Board


I made a meal planning board with all the creativity I could muster up. I can shift the tiles around to build my meals for the week. Hopefully this will help me plan better for what to prepare and what to shop for. I kept forgetting to buy things I needed for my meals. I also found it difficult to constantly refer to my meal plan pages when I was in a hurry.

I really noticed what a rich variety I have in these three simple plans. I am getting to know what to look for when picking something to add to the meal. I'm reading labels. I'm researching healthy cooking ideas and recipes to do the most with the ingredients I can use now. I'm learning what thyme adds to a chicken breast. I'm learning how essential fresh lemons are. I'm using a wide variety of ingredients to prepare my meals. I'm making a production of dinner and taking my time when I eat the carefully prepared food. I'm appreciating every sweet thing I am allowed in my day: fruit, yogurt, coffee. I'm getting to know what hungry feels like. I'm getting to know what satiety feels like.

This is so much fun!

Strange Highs and Strange Lows

Whatever it is that's left when sadness has stripped away the hope is whats flowing in my blood right now. This journey, to be fit, has been one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done. It's so much like therapy that it truly is a metaphor for life. I keep going even though I sometimes don't see any results. I go when it feels good. I go when it feels awful. And very luckily, I have found a wonderful human being who has been willing to teach me and lead me through the tough times, and the good.

I see the root of my suffering clearly on days like today. Today was difficult. I was anxious and nervous just like on the first day I went. I assumed everyone was judging me. Even if they were, their judgments could not have compared with the cruel stream of thought I had about myself. I nearly made myself cry when I acknowledged them. "You're ugly, you're no good at this, things will never get better, you are worthless."

Even still, there was something that kept me there. Knowing, really, that things will be different even if I can't see it right now. Knowing that staying was the effective decision, even though it was anxiety provoking. Staying even while the judgments and assessments streamed through my head... until something was different.

Faith, even if it is only in the knowledge that something seems to happen after 20 minutes on the treadmill, is becoming something I can believe in. Something calms in my mind. Something gives me release and I'm able to smile again. I feed proud of myself. I feel like I'm moving forward.

John is right. I know where the other road leads. The only way to go in this life for me is forward. The other road leads to places that are dark and hopeless. And I know what my habits are when I have no hope. He speaks from a place of knowing without having known me for more than several hours. When I first met him I was very intimidated by him because I assumed he was judging me. Now I am able to look in his eyes as he speaks plainly and truthfully with me. He encourages me. He pushes me. He knows I can do it. I'm not sure how he knows, but when I hear his sincerity, I can't help but believe him.

I need a reminder of the moments I had on the treadmill today. I thought, "If every moment in life was like this one, there would be no suffering." I suppose the statement itself contains attachment that might eventually lead to suffering. It has the feeling of liking this moment more than that one. It has the feeling that I want to keep this moment even as it passes. I guess that's something for me to think more about. But I want that moment on the treadmill today to be the one I think of when I want to remember that things will be different, that things have been different. I want to remember how it felt to know that John was telling me the truth even as I tried to voice that I didn't believe him. In my heart, I did. I look up to him so much, and trust him so much that it embarrasses me. I'm afraid for him to know how I feel about him and the relationship that has been built. I used to think of my meeting with him like business. Now it's pure pleasure (except for all the pain.) Strange.

July 4, 2010

July 1, 2010

Turbo Kick This

I went to my first Turbo Kick class today. I was nervous, of course. I decided that I needed some pretty big distraction to give my mind a break from the sadness.

I'm so glad I went. The instructor was awesome. She helped me get oriented and I didn't spend much time feeling lost. I was pouring sweat and having fun. I think I look funny when I punch and kick. I get distracted by how my fat looks when it's flopping around. Maybe someday I won't have that distraction. Or maybe one day I will be able to look at myself with a little more kindness and a little less judgment. I try to look at myself in the eye (eyes?) when I workout. I just try to think that I'm going to do my best, even if I think I look funny. It's getting easier to just do and not think so much.

Hopefully these fitness lessons migrate their way into my everyday-mind. More being, less thinking.