Industrial Strength

It's been a hard week. It's good to be home.

I went to go visit my family last week. That tends to be a difficult thing in the best of times. On my way down to Southern California, I found out that a close friend passed away. I cried all the way down. I found my dad while on the trip. He's not in good condition right now, it was extremely difficult to see him in that state. I got into a fight (a real one) with my sister. (And I feel awful for it.) And when it finally totally sunk in that my boyfriend is not able support me like I need him to, I broke up with him.

My head is spinning and my heart is broken.

I didn't eat all that great while I was in So Cal. Mostly, I was undereating. It's so hard to eat well while traveling. I went to a boot camp class at a fitness place down in So Cal on a day when I ate well. God I felt like I was gonna die. But I lived, with my knees temporarily a little worse for wear. Nothing more walking won't help. When I finally melted down after the fight with my sister, I ate a ton of sugar. I'm trying not to feel to bad about it given the intensity of what I was feeling on that drive home.

I felt so bad about it that day though (along with everything else that had been going on) that I texted my trainer to tell him that I was falling apart. I feel so afraid that I am becoming an annoyance to him. That is really the last thing I want to do. His words have been a real comfort to me. It's so validating for him to see me when he sees me. I get the feeling that he sees more of who I am than many people in my life. I don't know... maybe I just look like a mess to him. Maybe I'm just wanting to believe that he gets me because I feel so alone with my pain right now.

Why does life have to crash down all at once?

So after a day of serious rest, sleep, and eating well, I hit it pretty hard with two great workouts. Today i did a video at home after going to Reno called Industrial Strength. This work out still totally, completely kicks my ass. I am going to make it thru this workout someday! I'm going to keep hanging on. I'm going to keep on living my life. I'm going to try to ask my sister to forgive me. I'm going to keep looking deeply into who I am. Right now, doing what I believe to be the mindful path is taking some real strength. Getting back on track and not giving up... on life... is taking some real strength.

iphone Madness

I never thought I'd ever find myself standing in line with "i" people, but that's exactly what happened today. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't kicked out of line for sporting a Droid. Because I wasn't expecting to be standing in line for 3.5 hours with my friend, I didn't get a chance to work out today. After the iphone madness my sister made me a raw spaghetti dinner, nori rolls, and a cinnamon apple desert. The raw spaghetti wasn't quite my thing. The sauce was pretty good. It tasted way better than I expected it to. The cucumber spaghetti though, was not my thing. The nori rolls were awesome. I'd love to learn how to make them.

I had a great evening talking to my cousin. It feels so good to be home. It feels so good to be able to spend time with the family.

It is important, really important, to remember why I'm on this journey. Honor the people you love by being present. Cherish your friends for the people they are. Eat good food with people you love. Enjoy the moments that string together to make life.

This may be deeper than I've gotten in this blog. I'm feeling enormously sad and I'm really doing a lot of thinking about friends and relationships today. I knew this trip was going to be a lot about connecting to people in my life again. What I didn't know that I would find out that I lost a close friend on the day I drove down to southern California. The connecting feels so much more urgent now. I miss my friend and feel a bit lost and tossed.

I ate a serving of chips today. It felt like a bit of a reward for a long day of emotional bouncing.

What I'm getting at is that this is the why. This is why I'm working on something new to change my life. This is why I'm getting uncomfortable. This is why I am ok with getting blisters on my arches. This is why I'm learning to sweat. I want to live.

I choose life.

60 Minutes

Today my trainer couldn't meet with me. He asked me to do 60 minutes of cardio: 30 on the treadmill and 30 on the bike. I almost went into shock when he said 60 minutes. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I don't think we've done that much yet. It was tough but I did it.

Earlier today I almost twisted my ankle. I didn't have much pain right afterwards, but during the workout I could feel the soreness in the ankle. I was able to walk thorough it and the pain subsided. I hope I did the right thing. I'm pretty sure I didn't injure it or anything.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing while I'm on vacation. If I don't get a chance to touch bases with my trainer on it I will work up a schedule for myself. I guess I'll shoot for 60 minutes a day since I have the time.

New Shoes

I bought some new shoes this weekend. I picked up a pair of New Balance shoes. They feel great so far with my inserts. I'm loving shopping for new work out gear. I totally wasn't prepared for working out 5-6 days a week. I keep running out of socks. I picked up some of those too this weekend. I had no idea how expensive good work out clothes were. I'm keeping my eyes peeled for deals.

With all the money this is costing, it will be a bittersweet day when I lose enough weight to need a new size.

Suffering and Conquering

I hate when do that thing were I choose to cling to my suffering. It's hard to do anything else sometimes. I now have a new reason to stop clinging. When I'm suffering emotionally, exercise is painful. My workout on Tuesday felt like a miserable uphill battle for the entire 15 minutes I was at it. (It wasn't uphill.) The next day, equipped with a new attitude, I conquered the treadmill. I'm noticing changes in my body. My clothes are getting baggy. Clothes I haven't been able to wear now fit. Beyond that though, I feel like everyday I go in to the fitness club I build a bit of mastery. It's becoming my fitness club. That feels kinda good.

I ate at subway today. I wasn't expecting to break down in Carson City, so I was there much longer than expected. It turns out that cars need oil to run. Humph.

I'm hoping to have a lot of time to cook on my days off in Cali. I wonder if I should pack my own knifes and cutting board so I can chop to my hearts desire while I'm there. Ohhh fresh everything!

I see John again tomorrow. I hope I make him proud. I really look up to him. The more I learn about him, the deeper my respect for him and trust in him grows.

Sizzled Citrus Shrimp Kabobs

I made these kabobs for our staff bbq at work. I was worried about being tempted with the hamburgers, hot dogs, and snacks that day. With these lovely, colorful, yummy kabobs I didn't feel tempted one bit! They had sizzled citrus shrimp, celery, pineapple, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, mushroom, and broccoli. They were great summer treat!

2 miles, 45 minutes. 2 miles!

2 miles, 45 minutes. 2 miles!

I was on my own today. I was proud of how I did on my walk today. Yesterday was rough. The trainer called it because I was just in a funk. I feel tons better today after a lot of talking, sleeping, cooking, and love.

I came home for lunch today and made some broiled chicken for a wrap. Speed cooking!

This evening I prepared the kabobs for tomorrows bbq at work. I thought I might be suffering while everyone ate burgers and hot dogs, but my kabobs look awesome. Cooking this evening was very comforting. Chopping is it's own form of meditation.

Epic Fail

This weekend sucked. I did all of my exercise "homework" while my trainer was away, so that was an accomplishment. I even jogged to keep up with Russell on Saturday. It wasn't very far, but I was pretty proud of myself. We walked a nice loop around his neighborhood.

Saturday I got talked into going to a greasy spoon. My plan was to get the least evil thing on the menu. I was thinking ham and eggs. But darn it, there was a whole mess of delicious looking hash browns on the plate. I really ate too many calories. It tasted SO good though. I can say for sure that at the moment, it was worth it. I'm just afraid to get punished for my stupidity. I had healthy food packed in my cooler in the car. But it felt like I had two puppies begging me to go, so I gave in.

And then there was Sunday. I woke up with a migraine. I think this headache had been brewing for a few days. On Sunday it was full blown with blurry vision and nausea. I just didn't want to eat. I didn't want to move. I kept taking ibuprofen and sleeping. I was planning on going home in the early afternoon, but my laundry wasn't done. I kinda got overwhelmed with how I felt, and how it felt like nothing was going right, and left with some of my laundry, none of my blankets, and got Mc Donald's on the way home. I didn't really feel very bad about it because I was feeling so sick.

One thing is for sure, when I stay with Russell I have to go shopping for ALL of my food while I'm there. There is too much distraction in his apartment with chips and snacks. I have to go prepared or make him come over to see me next time.

Miso Glazed Salmon

I was delighted to finally find miso in my local Raley's market. My evening was pretty difficult, and I was looking forward to trying a new recipe. I made the miso glaze and decided that I wanted some tea while I cook. So, without thinking I put the glass pan on down on the range and started some water for tea. The only problem was that I left turned on the wrong burner. While I was washing dishes there was an explosion!!! There were about a billion shards of glass everywhere, and my miso was ruined.

It was late, I was exhausted... and hungry. But both I and the cats were terrified, and I had to get the glass cleaned up. What seemed like hours later... I finally sat down to enjoy my first dish made with miso. It was great, I just wish that blood, sweat, and tears didn't have to be involved.

Yay for miso. Boo for bad days.

Running Together

Wednesdays and Thursdays run together. Wednesday is such a long day with the workout before work and my weekly trip to Reno. And when I wake up Thursday, I still feel exhausted.

I'm going to be on antibiotics for 10 days. That means I have to eat yogurt to keep my good bacterias in semi-balance. I will have to plan that into my snacks of breakfasts to make sure I don't over-do the calories.

Have I mentioned that I'm exhausted?

Yesterday I walked 1.5 miles. Today I biked 5 miles. At least in theory.

I was craving sweets when I went to the store. I never realized a hostess pie was so many calories... more than dinner was. I couldn't get it, so I settled for some yogurt.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired?

Thought so.

I'm Warming Up To This

Today, I decided to try trusting my trainer's sunshine-attitude, and give feeling better a try. I was feeling kinda sad today, for no real reason. I really had to push through eating my lunch. Russell is right, my jaw isn't used to this much chewing. Taco Bell kinda slides into your belly with little effort. Salad, on the other hand is a lot of work. Anyhow, during the work out I really only focused on doing it. I looked up at the tv screens not to watch them, but to focus on something. The muscles in my inner thigh were aching. I imagined myself riding to Whittier College again. Maybe soon I will find myself pedaling up that hill to get to the science building. After the spinning, I did feel a bit better. Building mastery. Accomplished.

I still feel warm, even after my cool shower. I feel strength in my body, and I like how it feels. I wish the working out helped me to sleep better. I still have nightmares. Thursday night I will have to sleep without the Ambien, so I'll have a chance to see if my sleeping has changed at all.

Hmm

Does tea count as hydration?

Today Was Hard

My workout today was really difficult. My legs were cramping and I was sweating buckets. I didn't eat too well all day. I didn't want to finish my food, skipped the afternoon snack till right before my workout, and snacked on an egg as my salmon was cooking. That's what I get. I knew I had to eat my food, but I just didn't feel like finishing anything. I also don't think I got enough water. While I was cooking my salmon I had a couple brief waves of dizziness... I will try to remember this the next time I don't feel like eating!

My trainer really is a good guy. I'm not sure if he tries to be, but I think he is very patient with people he works with. He is certainly patient with me. I know I made the right choice in choosing to work with him. I think of his smiling face when I want to eat ice cream.

OK... I'm confessing. I'm eating a Dryers Fruit Bar... I'm not sure this will fly with the trainer... but I want cold, fruity comfort.

I think that choosing to work with a trainer is really about recognizing that I need help. I could try to do this alone, sure. And probably with some decent success with the commitment I have. But, just like with other things, having help ensures that I stay on the path to meeting my goals. It is validating and a reminder of how much I can do with hard work and a bit of advice. It helps me to see things from another perspective. And what would I do if I started and felt that pain in my leg? I probably would have gone home and called myself defective. Now I'm working through it. Step. Step. Step.

I feel so noob at this, but that's what also makes it so exciting!

A Bit Sore

I'm feeling it in my arms today from the strength training yesterday. I know I've lost some inches because a pair of pants that didn't fit 2 weeks ago not fit. They are snug, but I could button them, so that was exciting. If several more weeks maybe I can put them into the cycle!

I went in and walked today. I wasn't expecting to see my trainer's smiling face there, but he was there. I did good today. I hit the 1 mile mark at 19 minutes 36 seconds. I walked a total of 1.46 miles today.

I bought a sports bra. I had no idea I'd be a racer-back sports bra kind of gal, but it was comfortable. Expect to see some of those on my wish list soon!

Holy Crap!

I wasn't even sure that I was committed enough to go for a second sweaty walk in a single day. But I am here, sweating. I put it off and put it off, then finally set a time and said I'd go. I started out in the neighborhood, but it was too dark for comfort so I treaded around the apartment complex, covering every paved area at least once. The sky was beautiful and clear. The breeze felt wonderful and kept me cool and refreshed.

The pain in my leg seems to have moved up closer toward the calf. I wonder if the pain will make it's way through my body as I strengthen muscles I haven't really used in years. Will I always be in such pain when I'm walking? I wonder if there will ever come a day when I can workout and just sweat. Pushing through the muscle cramps is the hardest part of walking, even more difficult than being ok with the sweat.

Dinner was ok. I am going to start a wish list of things that I want to help me on my quest. My turkey was a bit dry. I think it would have helped to have had a dutch oven, as suggested in the recipe. I don't think my foil cut it. I also think I need to learn how to butterfly a turkey breast properly. And it would have maybe helped if I put the ingredients in the right places. I went a little nuts on the onions. ONIONS! I never thought I'd be chopping onions for my dinner!

Now, to sleep!

Spiral Stuffed Turkey Breast with Cider Gravy

Wow... this was maybe the hardest meal I've ever made in my life! I had to confront my fear of flesh and prepare the turkey breast. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it with the ribs intact an all. But I just thought of Julie deboning the duck and did my best. I'm not sure i butterflied it right, but I was able to roll it into a little meat cylinder anyhow. It should be ready soon, and I'm so excited to taste my hard-earned creation!

This cookbook, The Essential Eating Well Cookbook, is the best thing that has ever happened to my cooking life. It's really making eating well and doing something "new" a real pleasure! I guess there is joy to be had in cooking.

We started weights today. I was so excited. We stood in front of the big mirror and I worked my arms. I feel so proud of myself I could just giggle!

I am aiming to go for another 30 minute walk after dinner. I think I'll declare this day a "holiday." I'm going to celebrate walking 2 times in a day, starting weights with my trainer, clean floors, happy cats, and the freshness of my life.

It's funny how someone's advice, in passing could make such an impact on my life. This is new!

Soggy Wraps

I think I have to practice this wrap recipe. My tortilla was all soggy when I ate it. Not fun. I'm really exhausted... in a good way. I'm going to drink some tea and try to unwind so I can go to bed early and be ready to see John tomorrow. He said we might try some weights. Exciting, something new!

I tried to find miso today, fail. Why is miso so hard to find? Who wouldn't want fermented soy paste?

My Crotch Hurts

... the muscles in my crotch area, I guess. My upper, inner legs muscles... I don't know what the heck they are called. The slower I went the more it hurt. Isn't that backwards? Woo I had fun today. I did 2 different things. A mile on the treadmill and 2 on the bike where your legs are forward. I still feel warm and like I'm slightly burning in my upper body. I did things with my arms today while I was walking like holding them in toward my chest and out to the sides. I think that's what I'm feeling.

I'm so proud of myself. Can I say, "woo" again?

I'm going to make a wrap to take with me to Reno and pack my snacks. I need to swing by the office to pick up my cooler.

What to put in the wrap? Hmmm...

Why is breakfast so hard?

I see the trainer at 9am today, in an hour. I'm trying to eat the breakfast I started working on 30 minutes ago. Why is it so hard to eat breakfast? I feel pretty hungry, but have no desire to eat. I think that's why I used to avoid feeling hungry. I don't like how it feels to not want to eat when I am hungry. I wonder if that's some sort of disorder.

My upper body muscles are feeling a bit more noticeably sore. I think this is Aric, the massage therapists, work. I had so much tension in my arms and neck. It was pretty intense.

I wonder what we're doing today. I wonder if I will be walking everyday. I think maybe he said the bike. I'm thinking about trying to go to one of the classes my friend Chuck teaches. I wonder if it would feel like being instructed at a Magic tournament. Wow my mind is all over the place today. Let me try to get myself collected before I head out to treadmill heaven.

A Cooler and A Wrap

I now have a plan for travel days. I'll have to bring home my cooler from the office and reclaim some of my blue ice. I also have to find or create a little wrap recipe for travel days. John gave me some ideas, but I didn't write them down... so guess what... I forgot. I bought the green tortillas... so I'll start there and find something yummy to put inside.

The pain in my right leg is getting a bit better. (I think... I don't remember doing any inclines today so I'm not so sure.)

He asked me what the hardest part of doing all of this has been so far. If you know me, then you know that I have about a billion self-judgments. That has been the hardest part. It helps to be meeting someone at the gym who is on my side. Having the trainer there has helped me to stay present when the stream of thinking starts to distract me from what I'm doing. Hopefully this will develop into a new habit for me. It truly is a metaphor for life. I go, I'm uncomfortable, I feel out of place, I assume others are judging me, I judge myself, and I breathe. I notice I'm breathing, I notice I'm stepping. Step. Step. Step. Then I notice I'm sweating and that John is talking to me. I notice what he is saying and I notice the spot on the machine in front of me. I keep doing it over and over. Thoughts pop in, judgments creep in, and I keep noticing. And I keep going.

There is also a huge amount of self-validation and self-care that has come of this. Chopping the onions for my meal, shopping for shoes, and washing my work out clothes are all ways to take care of myself. It's like putting on a band-aid. Oh, and putting on band-aids, that is huge validation. I hurt and will care for myself. It's easy to think of in terms of a blister. But I am doing the same thing on the bigger scale. I hurt and I will care for myself.

This may be the most introspective I've been since starting.

Tonight for dinner was my new favorite, Ginger Steamed Tilapia with Chile Garlic Sauce and broccoli. YUM!

The Custom

We have a custom in my office of going out to eat at a restaurant for staff meetings. The places on our list to go pretty much have food that aren't in my meal plan or have food I don't want to eat. So my plan today is to eat my salad before we got at noon so that I won't have to eat when we go. I am a little bit afraid to feel like a social outcast for not eating with the group, but I really don't want to blow it for the day because of a meeting tradition.

Last night was a little difficult. I drive to Reno, an hour away every week for meetings and appointments. (Last night I have a wonderful massage with my favorite massage therapist among other things.) And I don't get back home until 9pm. I am either driving or sitting in meetings, and I don't usually take food with me. I tried eating my afternoon snack, cottage cheese, while driving, and that was a messy undertaking. And I was starving after the meeting. I stopped at Super Burrito and got 2 chicken soft tacos with nothing on them. I forgot how big those tacos are, I maybe could have lived on one. I'm not sure how they prepare their meat, but it tastes boiled.

I really have to talk to my trainer about Reno days so I can have a plan for eating on the go. I really don't want to have to pack an ice chest on those days. I already look like a mule carrying a large assortment of Rubbermaid containers to work every day with my meals and snacks for the 10-hour day.

Done By 6

Last night I got my schedule from my trainer and it included a 3 mile ride on the stationary bike at some point today. I have to drive up to Reno today, so I didn't think I had time to take off from work early enough to get to the gym and shower before I had to go. So that left one option. When I woke up at 5:18, I knew it was "now or never." As soon as I got to .1 miles I thought, "WTF was I thinking?" But I was already there with my butt on the bike so I figured I should at least trudge through. To my surprise the sweat kicked on and I felt pretty good by the time 3 miles rolled around.

Now all I have to do is focus on eating well for the day. I have to figure out how to navigate around my trip to Reno this evening. If I wait to eat until I get back I will be starving and crabby. Why doesn't anyone sell good meals on the go?

Hope is a Rope

I was so nervous to go see the trainer today. I don't know why I always feel like he is going to yell at me. I guess it's because I'm letting him into some pretty sensitive areas of my life. He knows my weight, that means he is in the inner circle by default. I don't want to disappoint him. The only person I should be trying not to disappoint is myself. (Did you just catch that judgment? I slipped it on in there.)

I had an amazing workout today. That ankle pain that has been plaguing me gave me a rest half way through the treadmill walk. After that I was able to pick up the pace to a speedy 3mph! I was hit with a totally euphoric sensation and couldn't help but smile. Is that the endorphin release I have heard about but never experienced before? I can see why this feeling can be addicting.

We didn't start "cross-training" today. I hope we get to it soon so I can stop biting my lip in anticipation!

Hope is a rope and I'm hanging on!

Breakfast Failure

I just didn't feel like eating breakfast this morning. The grapefruit sat next to me all morning and my upset stomach was dreading more food. I think I need to incorporate my cooking expedition into my meal plans by preparing nutritional information and correct portion sizes for some of the foods I'm enjoying preparing. I'm pretty sure my portion size for the shrimp wasn't right. Or maybe for the potato or both.

I see John this evening at 6:15. He said we'll start crosstraining this week. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm nervous and excited. Do I wear my ankle support or not? I feel so noob at this.

Ache

Today I feel really achy. My legs ache, I suppose that is a good sign. I wonder how long it will take for the muscles in my legs to quit this annoying cramping. The muscles in my right leg get so cramped and tired when I exercise that my foot begins to drag. I feel like an idiot when it happens.

I'm moving slowly with breakfast since I no longer have my meal plans printed out. One of the cats, probably Stefani, peed on the meal plan. It's a good thing I scanned it, but it left me feeling pretty lost this morning. I need to put them in a binder.

I finally found grapefruit, so half of one is sitting on my desk waiting to be eaten. Maybe this headache will go away if I eat one.