Losing My Muse

Blurring the lines
Classically undefined
Second rate lovers
Can't catch my mind
Reaching back days
Changing up ways
Blues and the reds
Add to the haze
Breathing in fumes
Losing my muse
Bleeding out sorrow
And blowing a fuse
Drugs become stable
But I am not able
It's easy to cut
And ignore the label
Cycling in threes
360 degrees
Toxic and breaking
Failing to please
Conspiracy is fact
You're where I'm at
Give me reason
To take off my hat
Waiting for something
Still having nothing
Silence the lines
Then we'll stop being

Am I Sexy?

It has been some time since I've written a blog to update the status of my physical being-ness. Perhaps some of the reason for the digital silence has been shame. Maybe some laziness as well. Maybe I don't want to document the ups and downs of the state of my physical body and the metaphor for life that a diagnosis of chronic illness is. Maybe this whole journey feels like it has been a waste of time since of the 95 pounds I lost in total from the beginning of the photo journal in 2005 to 2010, I have gained 60 of it back. All of the fasting, training, turbo, walking, shoe inserts, green juices, and food journaling have ended up with me becoming a statistic with the diagnosis of diabetes and a heap of pills and doctor appointments to ensure that I get to keep the use of all of limbs.

Now I contemplate a decision that I have previously entertained but rejected multiple times throughout my journey. Bariatric surgery. I always felt like taking the route of surgery was "the easy way out." Like, somehow, it was a weak thing to do. I don't need to justify my decisions to this blog, or the one or two people who have ever read it- or to myself. But here I am, justifying. Apologizing. And contemplating the barbaric actions I am about to authorize on my organs in order to have the best chance possible at keeping my blood glucose levels under good control for the long term.

And with all of these weighty topics of contemplation, I find myself wondering if surgery will leave me feeling less sexy. Maybe this sounds a little crazy, since society has declared that the smaller one is, the sexier. I know this intellectually and experientially not to be true. Sexy can't be defined by a number on a scale or any other measure of a body part. I know that to me sexy is 90% in the intellectual stimulation that I feel with my beloved- and 10% in the flow of our being-ness together. I could list some of the intellectual things I find to be quite sexy, but I don't want to get too turned on right now... I have a blog to write.

This right here is the golden ticket. I know this is how I create a lot of suffering for myself. I make assumptions about what others *might* think. I hardly need another person to step in with judgment about me, because I have that base covered with an outpouring of self-judgment and criticism. Imagining that a potential partner has a "standard" idea of what is sexy has kept me from being in any kind of relationship for quite sometime now. (As well as other more painful emotional relationship and trust matters that might fit in better on my other blog or in some poem.) So, do I imagine that I will be any less alluring because of a number and physical state of being that I hardly take into account when I'm daydreaming about whoever Mr. Sexy du jour is? Yeah. Like I said, crazy.

So, since sexy can't be measured solely by outward appearance or quantified in numbers, I guess you'll just have to follow me and find our for yourself.

Jump!

I decided that there is something significantly different between today and yesterday. And to commemorate this moment, I decided it would be good to reopen this blog. My life has sure seen some ups and downs since I gave up on having a regular exercise regime.

These are  no small detours. It was for very good reason that I looked for alternatives to the way I care for myself after getting very sick with lyme. After the symptoms cleared, I went through a period of doubt that I was actually better because of the notorious way lyme relapses. When I had become satisfied that I was, in fact, "over" lyme, had only a little bit of time before I received the diagnosis that I have diabetes.

Here I am again. Making plans for better ways to care for my body- and thereby care for my mind and spirit as well. I'm giving myself the permission to let go of my suffering. And I'm going to work on getting clear about the causes of health and happiness.

I know I have it in me to be well. That is what lyme taught me. I have learned a lot since working with my trainer in 2010. And this time I will be thinking about nutrition and rest very differently. I don't want to starve my body and overwork myself to fatigue. I want to do what feels right and natural for my body and find a balance between stillness and movement.

I found my rhythm with the rope today. I am getting used to the coordination necessary between my hands and feet- and learning to trust myself to know when to jump. Instead of stopping because I'm getting caught in the rope, I'm stopping because I'm getting winded or cramped. This too will change day by day and I will be able to jump for longer and with more energy. I'm impressed with this start- given the length of time I have been away from working like this. At first I was coughing a lot. But it seems that I have cleared the cobwebs from my windpipes- because that isn't happening any more. I'm starting out with 1 and 2 of the basic bounces for the first few minuets- then progressing to working on more continuous jumping until I mess up or am in pain. Once I'm a little stronger I'm sure it will become even more fun as I can work on learning other moves. For now I'll work with the basic bounce and walking to stretch out cramped muscles.

I'll work on some new goals and update my photos as well... for documentation sake.

To the recognition of something different.

A Break in the Cleanse

I haven't posted with an update on the cleanse for awhile, so I figured that I should sit down and do that. We decided to take an official break from the cleanse to get some nutrition and prepare for the next leg of the detox. We went for 20 days on the first leg and will continue onto the next 20 days beginning tomorrow with a salt water flush. I'm excited to begin again.

I'm considering the meal planning for post cleanse and coaching that I think would be beneficial as I move into a new phase of life.

The break has been good, but now it's time to continue.

Day 17: Amazing Motivation

Today Ginny and I did an unofficial weigh in on a whim. The preliminary reduction since beginning this cleanse is 21.5 pounds. Although it sounds insane (and I'm sure the nutritionist would flip), I feel absolutely wonderful. I have wonderful energy and feel like my "old self." I feel happy and excited about my days when I wake up in the morning. I also feel motivated to continue with this cleanse and work through more of my issues around food, eating, my body, and self-love.

We went to Hip Hop Hustle this evening. It's been SO long since doing "real" exercise. I'm super happy what I felt well enough to go. I had wonderful energy in the class and felt great afterwards. Now I'm going to watch my body's response and pray that I don't have a lymey reaction. I hope that I'll be able to go to Turbo Kick next!

I also did a rock salt treatment for the edema in my arm. I think I definitely see and feel a difference and am so excited to see what happens with additional treatments.

What a day. Amazing.

Day 14: Toxic Eliminations

The bentonite clay and psyllium claim to be "gentle." They are anything but. I just completed my second SWF since the clay shake, and I'm still feeling backed up. Yesterday I hardly eliminated at all. I was feeling pretty concerned about it. My body was sucking up fluids and nothing was coming out the other end. Today has been a bit more "normal," but still moving slowly. Additionally, there was a lot of cramping and discomfort with the SWF this evening. I'll be happy to do tomorrow's SWF. I hope things smooth out.

Today we did 40 minutes of Turbo Fire sculpt and abs. It felt good to warm up my body and slip into the calm feeling that comes with working my body.

Day 13: Unlucky Karma

Today I woke up with the drunk/high feeling again. Although it wasn't as intense as day 4 and 5, I also felt quite a bit of inflammation upon waking. I'm sure I'm not attractive when I whimper in bed, but that's how the day began. Luckily, the SWF sped along the elimination process and I am feeling better already.

Last night we added 1tsp each of bentonite clay and psyllium husks to the evening lemonade. I didn't take the laxative tea because I wasn't sure what effect the bentonite/psyllium lemon shake was going to have on my bowels. The drink was pleasant on the tongue and easy to finish quickly. When I woke up this morning I felt heavier in my bowels and have been passing a lot more solid type material today. The SWF has taken much longer today after the clay and husks. Perhaps this addition is best done over the weekend when I don't have to be somewhere the next morning.

Emotionally I'm feeling a lot better. I'm letting go, happily. Acceptance.

Life is short. There are no guarantees, not for any of us. At any moment, our lives may end. Some suffer, some are happy. Some struggle, and some are well. We are all living karma and sometimes that is so hard to accept. But life, as it is, is beautiful; every moment of it. Our only real job is to give love. Shine. Shimmer. Be a light in the darkness so others can find their way home. Only then are we truly free.

How blessed to have had a living example to follow. May I follow in the footsteps of my blessed guru, Beth. May I wear her like a jewel in my crown to remind me what humble, serene, giving, gratitude, and kindness look like. May she find her way back quickly and may her friends and family find comfort and peace. 

Day 12: A Dozen Days of Detox

Things have certainly stabilized in my body for this cleanse. I'm finding it quite difficult to wake up early on these cold winter mornings to do the SWF. I'm going to start doing them in the office now that my body is more stable. I bought some bentonite clay yesterday, but it seems that I also need the psyllium. I'm going to see if they have it at the health food store today. I'm also dangerously low on organic lemons AND the roads are slick and snowy. I may have to supplement with some non-organic lemons until the roads to Reno clear. (I bought the last 3 organic lemons in Fallon yesterday.)

My mood is much improved and I'm feeling much more able to weather emotions that are coming up. I'm thinking that my intense self-judgment had much to do with being in the first days of detoxing when I went to Cali. (Fear of rejection is one of the most challenging emotions for me to weather.) I love the clear mind I have without caffeine right now. It would be nice to avoid caffeine after this cleanse. That is always difficult because I do love coffee and when the aroma is wafting through the office it is very tempting.

It's time to start working on meal plans with Ginny as well. It is interesting to rethink some of my meals to expand and include the likes of another person. I think we will have some wonderful recipes between the two of us. Of course, Miso Glazed Salmon and Ginger Steamed Tilapia are my top favorites during the work week. I'd like to make Quinoa Lentil Curry a regular as well. I'm considering trying out one raw day to see how it feels to do it. Matt might appreciate that. Other than that I'm going to work on getting back to the healthy eating pattern I already know I enjoy while making sure to get enough healthy fats and nutrient dense foods to help support me in healing and being well.

Day 10: Clearly Defined

Well it's been awhile since checking in with the blog. I had to take a trip over to Nor Cal to drop a friend off at a permaculture course. Traveling while on the cleanse is quite a challenge. The challenge is not in drinking the lemonades or packing around my cleanse supplies, but in getting enough water- and taking no caffeine! On long, long drives that extend into the evening in challenging weather it is difficult to stay completely alert without caffeine for me- especially on this calorie restriction (or relative calorie restriction).

Day 4 and 5 were difficult. On both days I detoxed some heavy stuff that made me feel drunk and high. When I got out of bed on both days I was stumbling and not thinking clearly. It felt like I had way too much alcohol to drink the night before. Only water, salt water flushing, and lemonade helped the feeling. It is a strange feeling and makes me really think about what I've been putting into my body in an effort to find happiness (and wellness) over the past several months. I wonder how much of the feeling is related to taking pharmaceutical medications while being sick.

I noticed how difficult it is to just drive down the street on the cleanse. Fast food signs, street barkers, and wafting smells make it difficult to go 1,000 feet without facing some temptation to eat something toxic. I started to understand more deeply my growing aversion to advertising while making the drive to Cali. I also noticed how attuned I am to the cycles and flows of nature right now.

Another very interesting observation I've had is how my body feels under stress. I was acutely able to feel my adrenal glands when I was feeling high emotional stress over the weekend. (It only happens once, but it was very acute.) I could feel the feeling of chemicals squirting out in response to fear (of rejection) and social anxiety. I can do pretty well with "turning it on" when I'm in a group setting, but it still can be rather challenging for me socially. I feel very awkward and nervous in large groups still (and even one-on-one when I'm in self-judgement mode and fearing rejection.) I thought that I have been doing better with social stresses (and indeed, I have been much more skillful in these situations), but it concerns me that so much chemical activity is happening in my body during these times of stress. I felt the adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my body causing me to feel almost ill (but not quite.) Matt was there (magically it seemed) to intercept me while I wandered on the brink of a panic attack- and offered me tender kindness and the firm reminder to sit in meditation. And he was right, bringing myself back to a centered state immediately calmed my mind and adrenal glands and allowed me to return to baseline and get to bed.

On that note, Ginny is right. I haven't made a decision, and that is at the root of my fears. I think this is a wonderful time to sit in meditation to work through some of these demons of self-loathing and give myself the love I so desperately want. Even if the definition is more hazy than clear, and even if I don't hear the words I wish to hear- either way I will have a great starting point for the work of the heart.

Day 5: A Familiar Tune

There are several today.

I stand alone.
Or at least that's how I feel. Cleansing is a hard path. I thought that it would be easier to cleanse with a friend, but I'm finding that isn't the case. I'm frustrated right now with what seems to be the unwillingness to embrace this time as an opportunity to rewrite old patterns. I think it's true that it takes getting sufficiently sick of your life before you are really willing to change it. I'm glad that I have sufficient disgust with my life to want to change- and that I am able to take responsibility for my choices without blaming them on other people- good or bad. I want a healthy life. I want to live and be happy- I want to do the things I love without battling constant pain and fatigue- I want to have energy and stamina to be there to serve those I love- I want to thrive... Even if that means that I have to do it alone.

Day 4 and 5 brought a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up on both days feeling drunk and high. That is certainly one of the more unpleasant side effects of cleansing. I'm happy to get the toxins out of my body, however. I have had a splitting headache off and on that seems to have faded. I also notice that my skin is regenerating more quickly- I imagine that the tissues inside my body are also healing at a quicker rate. I'm hoping to be over the most difficult part of the cleanse. I'm no longer having cravings for food or eating that cause much distraction for me. When they come up I'm taking time to attend to them with a curious mind. "Where is that coming from." I have noticed a lot of emotions coming up today. I'm feeling things intensely- and I'm happy that one of the most intense feelings I've had today is gratitude and love. I'm so happy for the spiritual garden I've been cultivating. I love my life and the beautiful things that are coming into bloom.

I think it will be difficult if Ginny chooses not to continue on the fast. The most difficult part is watching people I care about choose the same old patterns that bring about unhappiness. Sadly, I have a couple friends who seem to think that things will magically get better without any real internal realization about why they do what they do.

As for myself- I want to become intimately aware of why I choose to suffer- especially in the realm of eating and food. I'm not willing to give up and let my demon of hunger rule my journey. I want to feel like I am empowered to make conscious choices about what I do and don't want in my life. I want to live a life aligned with my values at every level. Even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. That is one of the driving forces behind wanting to do the Feeding Your Demons Kapala Training at Tara Mandala. I realize that if I am unwilling to address my attachments around food, I can never truly understand non-attachment. Thus, I will never be able to move past this circumstance to find bliss.

I choose happiness.

Day 3: Detox Pain

 Today was a long and difficult day. All day I had that characteristic detox headache. A splitting headache that comes and goes over a dull and fatiguing headache that spans the back of my skull. When I did have the thought that I want food I quickly realized that even if I had it I wouldn't want to eat it because of the pain. I left work early to come home and convalesce  It wasn't a good idea to try to go to work anyways on day 3 of the cleanse. I didn't sleep well at all due to the pain and kept waking up through the night. I'm hoping to move past this painful stage as quickly as possible. I know brighter days are just around the corner.

Day 2: It Begins

The detox process has begun. Today I had some cravings for food- but no hunger. I felt satiated by the lemonades, but was definitely having psychological compulsions for food. I never thought I would feel this happy to see pimples erupting across my forehead. Knowing that I'm fasting in service to a healthier life makes it bearable.

It's interesting that the beginning of this process began yesterday evening with a salt laxative flush. Letting go of the disappointments, losses, pain, fears that have created my suffering for the year and giving them to the flame has become a process I am coming to love. Much like the salt allows me to let go of the things in my body that are not helping me be healthy and whole; awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness allow me to let go of the suffering I've been holding onto. What a lovely overlap as I begin this cleanse of the multiple layers of my life.

During my first cleanse I didn't do very much blogging about the physical process. This time around I wish I had kept a better log of my experiences. I know that this cleanse is something I will likely be doing throughout my lifetime. I'm hoping to keep a better record of the intricate feelings that arise as I do this cleanse.

The Detail:
Lemonades:
Cups of Water:
Today I had a minor low grade headache that came and went. It wasn't bad, and it responded well to drinking more water and lemonade. I'm experimenting with laxative teas that might work as an evening ritual. I don't respond well to the Traditional Medicinals tea so I'm trying Yogi this evening. In the shower today I could smell things that are starting to be pushed out of my skin. My skin is very dry and I'm beginning to get pimples. This evening my tongue became coated and I began to break out. I had a difficult time with the salt water today, I'm hoping that I just have to get used to taking that much fluid in the morning. 

Day 1: Happy New Year

This evening Ginny and I rang in the new year with a salt flush and some spicy lemonades. It begins. When Ginny told me that she felt inspired to cleanse for 40 days I felt afraid and anxious. As I begin down this path I realize the my body will lead me if I am willing to trust. 40 days seems like a long time, forever, but I would like to spend a moment to appreciate what is possible.

My intention for this cleanse is to give my body a chance to rest and detox from the accumulation of a difficult 6 months. "Rest, I will take care of you." I have gone over the shame in my head like a broken record,  an uncomfortable 12 inches. Not all of what happened over the past months was in my direct control. I'd like to let go of feeling shame and worthlessness for those things that I couldn't change in the moment. And I would like to do my best to care for my body, spirit, and mind as best I can now that I am in a better place to do so. A cleanse is perhaps one of the most compassionate things I can do for myself at this time.

I would like to take this time for rest and clarity. I would like to do better with keeping my meditation practice. I would like to develop deep compassion for myself and let go of judgments that I have been harboring against my own self. I have done the best I can do given difficult situations- and have come to a loving place. I'm so grateful for that.

I would like to spend time in clarity getting my responsibilities in order in both my personal and work life. I would like to get caught up with my work- and help others do the same in a way that is helpful and validating to their (and my) true needs. I would like to expand into my deep knowledge and creativity to create some designs and move through inspiration to prepare for an amazing year of on-the-ground work that is already changing people in profound ways.

I pray for my future self who will be facing challenging times over the next 40 days. A future self who may feel frustrated with a headache, nausea, and hunger. I see the suffering a future I may be in- I wish every gift of comfort, patience, and joyful work for myself.

I pray for my cleanse partner and the fears and self doubt she is holding. May she feel confident determination to care for her body so that she may unfold into things she never knew she was capable of this year.

Detox Determination

I can't believe I'm standing on the brink of another master cleanse. Last night I was feeling fearful about the decision. This morning I feel determined. One thing I can't deny is the amazing beneficial effect my last master cleanse had on my path of healing. It also felt wonderful and there were other side benefits that I enjoyed such as ultra clear skin and bright happy eyes. Taking that into account, it's interesting that I had such a response of fear.

I've been languishing in a state of sad aloofness when it comes to my physical being. I'm working on forgiving myself for getting to such a state. When my car broke down in July I had no idea what a change was about to happen. I thought I could manage just fine with a bike- but getting around Fallon can be difficult in challenging weather. (For instance this morning it's 7 degrees.) I also didn't plan on having a healing crisis and illness cascade. It turns out that this is a pretty common occurrence for those who are healing from Lyme disease. So being sick for months on end in combination with no car, and Nevada weather made staying on to of my physical regimen very difficult and at some times impossible.

I am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting things get to this point in only 6 short months. But now, by the blessings of my Mom, I'm back to driving and have the added incentive of helping to coach Ginny through her first master cleanse.I think this will be a good time to work on forgiveness and compassion for myself. And when I woke up this morning it seemed clear that beginning this cleanse was one of the most compassionate things I could do for my body.

My goal on this cleanse if to help my body detox from months of poor eating and lack of exercise. I would like to make this the turning point in my physical commitment to myself. I would like to return to eating whole, natural, healthy, healing foods after this cleanse. Perhaps even work in some raw component to my diet so that I can better understand what it means to be raw to be of assistance in editing Matt's book. I would like to start on the path to living in physical harmony and supporting my healing process. I would like to get back into an exercise routine that works in combination with my healing path as well- whatever it looks like. I would like to love myself and make decisions that are kind to my body so that my mind can find a peaceful place to contemplate the precious moments that have been gifted to me in this new year.

I began cleaning out my kitchen this morning. I'm going to set myself up for success, as Eric taught me to do. I'm going to be sure that the fridge and clean and that there is no easy food laying around for me to feel tempted with. I'm going to sharpen my knives and thoroughly wash my cutting boards. Later today we will gather our supplies and settle in this evening with a salt flush and perhaps tonglen meditation of compassion for a future me.

To Health!

Oh, How I Miss the TURBO

How many rounds has it been?

It would seem that there are no blessed burpees this round. But, how I miss the TURBO!!!

Oh, how I miss the breathless feeling of TURBO firey KICKin. Yes, that feeling of not quite surreal OMG-amazing couldn't quite make me soo WoW! Maybe someday again.

Hurry up and heal so I could feel it again!

PLUS the burpees!!

How many rounds has it been???


Yeah! A. Lot!!!

FK. Lyme!!

A Necessary Break

Today I cried. A lot.

Yesterday I traveled over the hill to an herbalism course hosted by HAALo in Nevada City, CA. It was a wonderfully in depth course about the Lyme disease treatment protocol by Stephen Buhner I have been using since earlier this year. I learned the newest cutting edge work happening in treating the disease by rekindling a relationship with the natural world. But more, I was able to share my story with other people who are also working through the disease. I was supported and encouraged  by others who are living with the same pain. In a little more than a year, I have come to deeply understand what it means to be impermanent. I have contemplated mortality from a new point of view. I have tremored with weakness against the will of my body and mind. I have often given up on hope, and found it again. I have meditated with a new fire because I know time is too short for the work I have to do. And I have fallen in love over and over because who knows when my last breath will be. I have found a powerful relationship with the herbs that have begun to cleanse and heal me. I learned how to make a tincture, wild harvest herbs, listen to my body, feel the blood moving in my veins, rest, ...and pray.

Yesterday I realized how hard I've been on myself. For the past several weeks meditation has been deeply painful. Since the last "realization," I have felt conflicted, afraid, confused, and impatient. Again, I have realized that grasping desire and not renunciation spatter my thoughts with stains of pain. I have come to this place before. I remember writing it in a book. "I do not have bodhichitta." I no longer look at my eyes with compassion. I see myself in the mirror and judge what I see. I look at my scars with irritation. I curse my body for not being perfect. I curse my mind for failing. And when I sit, I'm flooded with painful thought streams that scream at me, reminding me of the way I felt "before." I hold myself not with compassion for being on a healing path while holding so much pain in the hope of transmuting it so others don't have to feel it- but with anger that I don't know how.

I have the desire to have bodhichitta. 

This cascade of illness and healing crisis are a blessing. I have come a long way since going to the emergency room last June with the severe onset of Lyme disease that was already having a traumatic impact on my brain and central nervous system. And only weeks ago, on the beautiful hillside looking out over the regenerating lands, I realized a little bit of my capacity to be a vessel for the divine. How quickly hopelessness can set in. And then I was brought to my knees in prayer, asking for blessings. Time to heal. How wonderful it is that I can take this time to be in silence, prayer, meditation, crying, and re-connection  And today, it clicked. I know how I came to be in this sickness cascade. Somewhere in-between I stopped loving- my self first- and  unavoidably everyone else. I forgot. Isolated. Listened to the uncomfortable 12-inches in my mind.

Now, tea. tears. remembering.

I'm so thankful for the blessing of illness. To remember the internal waters that flow without effort. My resilience. To dance again in a dim room because I can. The miracle of breath- moving gracefully through and binding me back together after falling into a thousand sparkling pieces.

Sparkling. Shimmering. Glittering. Radiant. Beautiful. Powerful. Joyful and mourning. Grateful and sad. Blessed and supported. Singing and silent. Listening. Loving. Loved.

Understanding the root of how this came to be, I can now work toward well being, healing, and wholeness. I'm not feeling afraid anymore. Everythings O.K!

Starts and Stops

So yeah, I gave up. Sometime after my last Lyme flare I somehow lost the will to care for myself as I had been doing for the past years. The darkness won. The cupboards became adulterated with genetically modified carbs and partially hydrogenated oils hidden in junk foods. I continued to take the powerful mix of herbs that formed the basis of my Lyme treatment, but despite feeling progressively better, I began to feel hopeless about ever going back to "the way it was." I realized that I could no longer do the famed squat thrusts that had given me the will to kick. TurboKick, that is. I realized that life was never going to go back to being the same.

I had a wonderful, healthful phase before this deviation from the plan. After making the commitment to care for myself through a dark and hopeless phase that I faced at the end of 2011, I began feeding my body the foods it needed to take on the task of healing. I shifted from the low-calorie mentality to a healthful and whole approach. I've never been one for tradition, but the traditional foods diet really seemed to make a lot of sense to me. (It still does.) But who has time to spend a good portion of the week preparing complex meals (for one)? Amidst the rest of my growing responsibilities to my work and friends, cooking traditional meals fell by the wayside and I reverted to eating unhealthy, unsustainable food again.

I have deeply begun to feel the necessity of bringing my "eating life" into line with the rest of my spiritual practice. I've been winding my way through Savor by  Thich Nhat Hanh. And I began to meditate on it. But as soon as I began to contemplate it, I noticed the thought, "But, this is too big." Indeed, this too is worthy of my spiritual practice. Perhaps that's why I've quit meditating regularly for the past several weeks. Because as my body sends me the clear signal that all is not right, I am forced to recognize that my lack of care contributed to this situation.

I'm ill. It started with a quick and virulent influenza that took hold while I was traveling to California to recharge with my permie family. Then it became clear that while my immunity was down, the invading, and opportunistic microorganisms found a welcoming place. Old pathways opened up, like the barn door left open overnight, and I found myself immobilized in bed with familiar symptoms of hopelessness and helplessness.

And here we are. It's early in the beautiful morning. I woke up and greeted the dark sky. I remembered for a moment my interconnection to the vast amazingness of this universe, how I was born to be a vessel for the light of love. Indeed, even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. So this is a little love note to my body. I am aware that I have been self-harming by way of food, rest, exercise, and meditation. I ignored the divinity of this being because of confusion and pain. I see the light inside that longs to come out in service to those I've been blessed to know. In service to myself and all other divine beings, I wish to be healthy and well. I make the wish for myself and all those I know for the willingness to care for the body and mind. I wish for the well being to be able to choose the right path. I acknowledge the demons that have kept me trapped in fear. I resolve to sit with them in silent meditation in order to show them care and compassion.

And with that, I propose a toast. To compassion toward the body and mind.

I drink a salt water flush to that!

Savor

Lyme and Shine

I'm not used to feeling helpless.

At this time last year I was healthier that I had ever been in my life. I was loving my favorite fitness class at the gym, Turbo Kick. I was enjoying the amazing journey of blossoming into a space of hope after losing a close friend and coming to the realization that life is too short to not do the thing you love.

And that's what I was doing... when I went to the emergency room in June of 2011. I was in extreme pain with a headache that was relentlessly taking over my life. I was dizzy, nauseated, and had scary looking rashes that developed into the classic bulls eye rashes you hear about with Lyme Disease.

Although I didn't recall being bit by a tick immediately, when I went home that night I remembered that a month before, in May, I had what looked like an annoying blackhead that I couldn't scrub off with the loofah. I wasn't thinking that it might be a tick. I scrubbed it off, and a month later found myself in the ER. They diagnosed me there based on my symptoms and rashes. They also got the tick head out. They were glad we caught it so early. (The rashes were appearing on parts of my body away from the original tick bite. This happens sometimes with early disseminated Lyme.) They started me on a course of antibiotics and sent me back to my primary care doctor.

... There are more writings on this topic, but because they are too tender to yet share, they are omitted from this blog... for now...

Hoopless

This morning when I woke up I felt better than I've felt in a week. I had a calm energy that made the morning easy. I wanted nothing more than to spend a meditative moment in the hope today. A tiny declaration that I still have some sort of regular exercise practice still, even in the face of battling these blasted spirochetes.

I've been trying different things to keep my body moving and spirits up. Seeing the smiling faces at the gym has become an important part of keeping a healthy emotional mindset. Even the slightest effort right now seems to lay me low. Hip Hop Hustle was fun, and easier to do on a low energy day. It wipes me out though. I get so tired even when I'm barely doing the routine.

Whole Foods Fun

I had so much fun shopping for the basic ingredients that I need for the Eat Fat, Lose Fat diet.