Starts and Stops

So yeah, I gave up. Sometime after my last Lyme flare I somehow lost the will to care for myself as I had been doing for the past years. The darkness won. The cupboards became adulterated with genetically modified carbs and partially hydrogenated oils hidden in junk foods. I continued to take the powerful mix of herbs that formed the basis of my Lyme treatment, but despite feeling progressively better, I began to feel hopeless about ever going back to "the way it was." I realized that I could no longer do the famed squat thrusts that had given me the will to kick. TurboKick, that is. I realized that life was never going to go back to being the same.

I had a wonderful, healthful phase before this deviation from the plan. After making the commitment to care for myself through a dark and hopeless phase that I faced at the end of 2011, I began feeding my body the foods it needed to take on the task of healing. I shifted from the low-calorie mentality to a healthful and whole approach. I've never been one for tradition, but the traditional foods diet really seemed to make a lot of sense to me. (It still does.) But who has time to spend a good portion of the week preparing complex meals (for one)? Amidst the rest of my growing responsibilities to my work and friends, cooking traditional meals fell by the wayside and I reverted to eating unhealthy, unsustainable food again.

I have deeply begun to feel the necessity of bringing my "eating life" into line with the rest of my spiritual practice. I've been winding my way through Savor by  Thich Nhat Hanh. And I began to meditate on it. But as soon as I began to contemplate it, I noticed the thought, "But, this is too big." Indeed, this too is worthy of my spiritual practice. Perhaps that's why I've quit meditating regularly for the past several weeks. Because as my body sends me the clear signal that all is not right, I am forced to recognize that my lack of care contributed to this situation.

I'm ill. It started with a quick and virulent influenza that took hold while I was traveling to California to recharge with my permie family. Then it became clear that while my immunity was down, the invading, and opportunistic microorganisms found a welcoming place. Old pathways opened up, like the barn door left open overnight, and I found myself immobilized in bed with familiar symptoms of hopelessness and helplessness.

And here we are. It's early in the beautiful morning. I woke up and greeted the dark sky. I remembered for a moment my interconnection to the vast amazingness of this universe, how I was born to be a vessel for the light of love. Indeed, even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. So this is a little love note to my body. I am aware that I have been self-harming by way of food, rest, exercise, and meditation. I ignored the divinity of this being because of confusion and pain. I see the light inside that longs to come out in service to those I've been blessed to know. In service to myself and all other divine beings, I wish to be healthy and well. I make the wish for myself and all those I know for the willingness to care for the body and mind. I wish for the well being to be able to choose the right path. I acknowledge the demons that have kept me trapped in fear. I resolve to sit with them in silent meditation in order to show them care and compassion.

And with that, I propose a toast. To compassion toward the body and mind.

I drink a salt water flush to that!

Savor