Day 5: A Familiar Tune

There are several today.

I stand alone.
Or at least that's how I feel. Cleansing is a hard path. I thought that it would be easier to cleanse with a friend, but I'm finding that isn't the case. I'm frustrated right now with what seems to be the unwillingness to embrace this time as an opportunity to rewrite old patterns. I think it's true that it takes getting sufficiently sick of your life before you are really willing to change it. I'm glad that I have sufficient disgust with my life to want to change- and that I am able to take responsibility for my choices without blaming them on other people- good or bad. I want a healthy life. I want to live and be happy- I want to do the things I love without battling constant pain and fatigue- I want to have energy and stamina to be there to serve those I love- I want to thrive... Even if that means that I have to do it alone.

Day 4 and 5 brought a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up on both days feeling drunk and high. That is certainly one of the more unpleasant side effects of cleansing. I'm happy to get the toxins out of my body, however. I have had a splitting headache off and on that seems to have faded. I also notice that my skin is regenerating more quickly- I imagine that the tissues inside my body are also healing at a quicker rate. I'm hoping to be over the most difficult part of the cleanse. I'm no longer having cravings for food or eating that cause much distraction for me. When they come up I'm taking time to attend to them with a curious mind. "Where is that coming from." I have noticed a lot of emotions coming up today. I'm feeling things intensely- and I'm happy that one of the most intense feelings I've had today is gratitude and love. I'm so happy for the spiritual garden I've been cultivating. I love my life and the beautiful things that are coming into bloom.

I think it will be difficult if Ginny chooses not to continue on the fast. The most difficult part is watching people I care about choose the same old patterns that bring about unhappiness. Sadly, I have a couple friends who seem to think that things will magically get better without any real internal realization about why they do what they do.

As for myself- I want to become intimately aware of why I choose to suffer- especially in the realm of eating and food. I'm not willing to give up and let my demon of hunger rule my journey. I want to feel like I am empowered to make conscious choices about what I do and don't want in my life. I want to live a life aligned with my values at every level. Even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. That is one of the driving forces behind wanting to do the Feeding Your Demons Kapala Training at Tara Mandala. I realize that if I am unwilling to address my attachments around food, I can never truly understand non-attachment. Thus, I will never be able to move past this circumstance to find bliss.

I choose happiness.