Day 10: Clearly Defined

Well it's been awhile since checking in with the blog. I had to take a trip over to Nor Cal to drop a friend off at a permaculture course. Traveling while on the cleanse is quite a challenge. The challenge is not in drinking the lemonades or packing around my cleanse supplies, but in getting enough water- and taking no caffeine! On long, long drives that extend into the evening in challenging weather it is difficult to stay completely alert without caffeine for me- especially on this calorie restriction (or relative calorie restriction).

Day 4 and 5 were difficult. On both days I detoxed some heavy stuff that made me feel drunk and high. When I got out of bed on both days I was stumbling and not thinking clearly. It felt like I had way too much alcohol to drink the night before. Only water, salt water flushing, and lemonade helped the feeling. It is a strange feeling and makes me really think about what I've been putting into my body in an effort to find happiness (and wellness) over the past several months. I wonder how much of the feeling is related to taking pharmaceutical medications while being sick.

I noticed how difficult it is to just drive down the street on the cleanse. Fast food signs, street barkers, and wafting smells make it difficult to go 1,000 feet without facing some temptation to eat something toxic. I started to understand more deeply my growing aversion to advertising while making the drive to Cali. I also noticed how attuned I am to the cycles and flows of nature right now.

Another very interesting observation I've had is how my body feels under stress. I was acutely able to feel my adrenal glands when I was feeling high emotional stress over the weekend. (It only happens once, but it was very acute.) I could feel the feeling of chemicals squirting out in response to fear (of rejection) and social anxiety. I can do pretty well with "turning it on" when I'm in a group setting, but it still can be rather challenging for me socially. I feel very awkward and nervous in large groups still (and even one-on-one when I'm in self-judgement mode and fearing rejection.) I thought that I have been doing better with social stresses (and indeed, I have been much more skillful in these situations), but it concerns me that so much chemical activity is happening in my body during these times of stress. I felt the adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my body causing me to feel almost ill (but not quite.) Matt was there (magically it seemed) to intercept me while I wandered on the brink of a panic attack- and offered me tender kindness and the firm reminder to sit in meditation. And he was right, bringing myself back to a centered state immediately calmed my mind and adrenal glands and allowed me to return to baseline and get to bed.

On that note, Ginny is right. I haven't made a decision, and that is at the root of my fears. I think this is a wonderful time to sit in meditation to work through some of these demons of self-loathing and give myself the love I so desperately want. Even if the definition is more hazy than clear, and even if I don't hear the words I wish to hear- either way I will have a great starting point for the work of the heart.