I haven't posted with an update on the cleanse for awhile, so I figured that I should sit down and do that. We decided to take an official break from the cleanse to get some nutrition and prepare for the next leg of the detox. We went for 20 days on the first leg and will continue onto the next 20 days beginning tomorrow with a salt water flush. I'm excited to begin again.
I'm considering the meal planning for post cleanse and coaching that I think would be beneficial as I move into a new phase of life.
The break has been good, but now it's time to continue.
January 27, 2013
January 16, 2013
Day 17: Amazing Motivation
Today Ginny and I did an unofficial weigh in on a whim. The preliminary reduction since beginning this cleanse is 21.5 pounds. Although it sounds insane (and I'm sure the nutritionist would flip), I feel absolutely wonderful. I have wonderful energy and feel like my "old self." I feel happy and excited about my days when I wake up in the morning. I also feel motivated to continue with this cleanse and work through more of my issues around food, eating, my body, and self-love.
We went to Hip Hop Hustle this evening. It's been SO long since doing "real" exercise. I'm super happy what I felt well enough to go. I had wonderful energy in the class and felt great afterwards. Now I'm going to watch my body's response and pray that I don't have a lymey reaction. I hope that I'll be able to go to Turbo Kick next!
I also did a rock salt treatment for the edema in my arm. I think I definitely see and feel a difference and am so excited to see what happens with additional treatments.
What a day. Amazing.
We went to Hip Hop Hustle this evening. It's been SO long since doing "real" exercise. I'm super happy what I felt well enough to go. I had wonderful energy in the class and felt great afterwards. Now I'm going to watch my body's response and pray that I don't have a lymey reaction. I hope that I'll be able to go to Turbo Kick next!
I also did a rock salt treatment for the edema in my arm. I think I definitely see and feel a difference and am so excited to see what happens with additional treatments.
What a day. Amazing.
January 14, 2013
Day 14: Toxic Eliminations
The bentonite clay and psyllium claim to be "gentle." They are anything but. I just completed my second SWF since the clay shake, and I'm still feeling backed up. Yesterday I hardly eliminated at all. I was feeling pretty concerned about it. My body was sucking up fluids and nothing was coming out the other end. Today has been a bit more "normal," but still moving slowly. Additionally, there was a lot of cramping and discomfort with the SWF this evening. I'll be happy to do tomorrow's SWF. I hope things smooth out.
Today we did 40 minutes of Turbo Fire sculpt and abs. It felt good to warm up my body and slip into the calm feeling that comes with working my body.
Today we did 40 minutes of Turbo Fire sculpt and abs. It felt good to warm up my body and slip into the calm feeling that comes with working my body.
January 12, 2013
Day 13: Unlucky Karma
Today I woke up with the drunk/high feeling again. Although it wasn't as intense as day 4 and 5, I also felt quite a bit of inflammation upon waking. I'm sure I'm not attractive when I whimper in bed, but that's how the day began. Luckily, the SWF sped along the elimination process and I am feeling better already.
Last night we added 1tsp each of bentonite clay and psyllium husks to the evening lemonade. I didn't take the laxative tea because I wasn't sure what effect the bentonite/psyllium lemon shake was going to have on my bowels. The drink was pleasant on the tongue and easy to finish quickly. When I woke up this morning I felt heavier in my bowels and have been passing a lot more solid type material today. The SWF has taken much longer today after the clay and husks. Perhaps this addition is best done over the weekend when I don't have to be somewhere the next morning.
Emotionally I'm feeling a lot better. I'm letting go, happily. Acceptance.
Life is short. There are no guarantees, not for any of us. At any moment, our lives may end. Some suffer, some are happy. Some struggle, and some are well. We are all living karma and sometimes that is so hard to accept. But life, as it is, is beautiful; every moment of it. Our only real job is to give love. Shine. Shimmer. Be a light in the darkness so others can find their way home. Only then are we truly free.
How blessed to have had a living example to follow. May I follow in the footsteps of my blessed guru, Beth. May I wear her like a jewel in my crown to remind me what humble, serene, giving, gratitude, and kindness look like. May she find her way back quickly and may her friends and family find comfort and peace.
Last night we added 1tsp each of bentonite clay and psyllium husks to the evening lemonade. I didn't take the laxative tea because I wasn't sure what effect the bentonite/psyllium lemon shake was going to have on my bowels. The drink was pleasant on the tongue and easy to finish quickly. When I woke up this morning I felt heavier in my bowels and have been passing a lot more solid type material today. The SWF has taken much longer today after the clay and husks. Perhaps this addition is best done over the weekend when I don't have to be somewhere the next morning.
Emotionally I'm feeling a lot better. I'm letting go, happily. Acceptance.
Life is short. There are no guarantees, not for any of us. At any moment, our lives may end. Some suffer, some are happy. Some struggle, and some are well. We are all living karma and sometimes that is so hard to accept. But life, as it is, is beautiful; every moment of it. Our only real job is to give love. Shine. Shimmer. Be a light in the darkness so others can find their way home. Only then are we truly free.
How blessed to have had a living example to follow. May I follow in the footsteps of my blessed guru, Beth. May I wear her like a jewel in my crown to remind me what humble, serene, giving, gratitude, and kindness look like. May she find her way back quickly and may her friends and family find comfort and peace.
January 11, 2013
Day 12: A Dozen Days of Detox
Things have certainly stabilized in my body for this cleanse. I'm finding it quite difficult to wake up early on these cold winter mornings to do the SWF. I'm going to start doing them in the office now that my body is more stable. I bought some bentonite clay yesterday, but it seems that I also need the psyllium. I'm going to see if they have it at the health food store today. I'm also dangerously low on organic lemons AND the roads are slick and snowy. I may have to supplement with some non-organic lemons until the roads to Reno clear. (I bought the last 3 organic lemons in Fallon yesterday.)
My mood is much improved and I'm feeling much more able to weather emotions that are coming up. I'm thinking that my intense self-judgment had much to do with being in the first days of detoxing when I went to Cali. (Fear of rejection is one of the most challenging emotions for me to weather.) I love the clear mind I have without caffeine right now. It would be nice to avoid caffeine after this cleanse. That is always difficult because I do love coffee and when the aroma is wafting through the office it is very tempting.
It's time to start working on meal plans with Ginny as well. It is interesting to rethink some of my meals to expand and include the likes of another person. I think we will have some wonderful recipes between the two of us. Of course, Miso Glazed Salmon and Ginger Steamed Tilapia are my top favorites during the work week. I'd like to make Quinoa Lentil Curry a regular as well. I'm considering trying out one raw day to see how it feels to do it. Matt might appreciate that. Other than that I'm going to work on getting back to the healthy eating pattern I already know I enjoy while making sure to get enough healthy fats and nutrient dense foods to help support me in healing and being well.
My mood is much improved and I'm feeling much more able to weather emotions that are coming up. I'm thinking that my intense self-judgment had much to do with being in the first days of detoxing when I went to Cali. (Fear of rejection is one of the most challenging emotions for me to weather.) I love the clear mind I have without caffeine right now. It would be nice to avoid caffeine after this cleanse. That is always difficult because I do love coffee and when the aroma is wafting through the office it is very tempting.
It's time to start working on meal plans with Ginny as well. It is interesting to rethink some of my meals to expand and include the likes of another person. I think we will have some wonderful recipes between the two of us. Of course, Miso Glazed Salmon and Ginger Steamed Tilapia are my top favorites during the work week. I'd like to make Quinoa Lentil Curry a regular as well. I'm considering trying out one raw day to see how it feels to do it. Matt might appreciate that. Other than that I'm going to work on getting back to the healthy eating pattern I already know I enjoy while making sure to get enough healthy fats and nutrient dense foods to help support me in healing and being well.
January 9, 2013
Day 10: Clearly Defined
Well it's been awhile since checking in with the blog. I had to take a trip over to Nor Cal to drop a friend off at a permaculture course. Traveling while on the cleanse is quite a challenge. The challenge is not in drinking the lemonades or packing around my cleanse supplies, but in getting enough water- and taking no caffeine! On long, long drives that extend into the evening in challenging weather it is difficult to stay completely alert without caffeine for me- especially on this calorie restriction (or relative calorie restriction).
Day 4 and 5 were difficult. On both days I detoxed some heavy stuff that made me feel drunk and high. When I got out of bed on both days I was stumbling and not thinking clearly. It felt like I had way too much alcohol to drink the night before. Only water, salt water flushing, and lemonade helped the feeling. It is a strange feeling and makes me really think about what I've been putting into my body in an effort to find happiness (and wellness) over the past several months. I wonder how much of the feeling is related to taking pharmaceutical medications while being sick.
I noticed how difficult it is to just drive down the street on the cleanse. Fast food signs, street barkers, and wafting smells make it difficult to go 1,000 feet without facing some temptation to eat something toxic. I started to understand more deeply my growing aversion to advertising while making the drive to Cali. I also noticed how attuned I am to the cycles and flows of nature right now.
Another very interesting observation I've had is how my body feels under stress. I was acutely able to feel my adrenal glands when I was feeling high emotional stress over the weekend. (It only happens once, but it was very acute.) I could feel the feeling of chemicals squirting out in response to fear (of rejection) and social anxiety. I can do pretty well with "turning it on" when I'm in a group setting, but it still can be rather challenging for me socially. I feel very awkward and nervous in large groups still (and even one-on-one when I'm in self-judgement mode and fearing rejection.) I thought that I have been doing better with social stresses (and indeed, I have been much more skillful in these situations), but it concerns me that so much chemical activity is happening in my body during these times of stress. I felt the adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my body causing me to feel almost ill (but not quite.) Matt was there (magically it seemed) to intercept me while I wandered on the brink of a panic attack- and offered me tender kindness and the firm reminder to sit in meditation. And he was right, bringing myself back to a centered state immediately calmed my mind and adrenal glands and allowed me to return to baseline and get to bed.
On that note, Ginny is right. I haven't made a decision, and that is at the root of my fears. I think this is a wonderful time to sit in meditation to work through some of these demons of self-loathing and give myself the love I so desperately want. Even if the definition is more hazy than clear, and even if I don't hear the words I wish to hear- either way I will have a great starting point for the work of the heart.
Day 4 and 5 were difficult. On both days I detoxed some heavy stuff that made me feel drunk and high. When I got out of bed on both days I was stumbling and not thinking clearly. It felt like I had way too much alcohol to drink the night before. Only water, salt water flushing, and lemonade helped the feeling. It is a strange feeling and makes me really think about what I've been putting into my body in an effort to find happiness (and wellness) over the past several months. I wonder how much of the feeling is related to taking pharmaceutical medications while being sick.
I noticed how difficult it is to just drive down the street on the cleanse. Fast food signs, street barkers, and wafting smells make it difficult to go 1,000 feet without facing some temptation to eat something toxic. I started to understand more deeply my growing aversion to advertising while making the drive to Cali. I also noticed how attuned I am to the cycles and flows of nature right now.
Another very interesting observation I've had is how my body feels under stress. I was acutely able to feel my adrenal glands when I was feeling high emotional stress over the weekend. (It only happens once, but it was very acute.) I could feel the feeling of chemicals squirting out in response to fear (of rejection) and social anxiety. I can do pretty well with "turning it on" when I'm in a group setting, but it still can be rather challenging for me socially. I feel very awkward and nervous in large groups still (and even one-on-one when I'm in self-judgement mode and fearing rejection.) I thought that I have been doing better with social stresses (and indeed, I have been much more skillful in these situations), but it concerns me that so much chemical activity is happening in my body during these times of stress. I felt the adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my body causing me to feel almost ill (but not quite.) Matt was there (magically it seemed) to intercept me while I wandered on the brink of a panic attack- and offered me tender kindness and the firm reminder to sit in meditation. And he was right, bringing myself back to a centered state immediately calmed my mind and adrenal glands and allowed me to return to baseline and get to bed.
On that note, Ginny is right. I haven't made a decision, and that is at the root of my fears. I think this is a wonderful time to sit in meditation to work through some of these demons of self-loathing and give myself the love I so desperately want. Even if the definition is more hazy than clear, and even if I don't hear the words I wish to hear- either way I will have a great starting point for the work of the heart.
January 5, 2013
Day 5: A Familiar Tune
There are several today.
I stand alone.
Or at least that's how I feel. Cleansing is a hard path. I thought that it would be easier to cleanse with a friend, but I'm finding that isn't the case. I'm frustrated right now with what seems to be the unwillingness to embrace this time as an opportunity to rewrite old patterns. I think it's true that it takes getting sufficiently sick of your life before you are really willing to change it. I'm glad that I have sufficient disgust with my life to want to change- and that I am able to take responsibility for my choices without blaming them on other people- good or bad. I want a healthy life. I want to live and be happy- I want to do the things I love without battling constant pain and fatigue- I want to have energy and stamina to be there to serve those I love- I want to thrive... Even if that means that I have to do it alone.
Day 4 and 5 brought a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up on both days feeling drunk and high. That is certainly one of the more unpleasant side effects of cleansing. I'm happy to get the toxins out of my body, however. I have had a splitting headache off and on that seems to have faded. I also notice that my skin is regenerating more quickly- I imagine that the tissues inside my body are also healing at a quicker rate. I'm hoping to be over the most difficult part of the cleanse. I'm no longer having cravings for food or eating that cause much distraction for me. When they come up I'm taking time to attend to them with a curious mind. "Where is that coming from." I have noticed a lot of emotions coming up today. I'm feeling things intensely- and I'm happy that one of the most intense feelings I've had today is gratitude and love. I'm so happy for the spiritual garden I've been cultivating. I love my life and the beautiful things that are coming into bloom.
I think it will be difficult if Ginny chooses not to continue on the fast. The most difficult part is watching people I care about choose the same old patterns that bring about unhappiness. Sadly, I have a couple friends who seem to think that things will magically get better without any real internal realization about why they do what they do.
As for myself- I want to become intimately aware of why I choose to suffer- especially in the realm of eating and food. I'm not willing to give up and let my demon of hunger rule my journey. I want to feel like I am empowered to make conscious choices about what I do and don't want in my life. I want to live a life aligned with my values at every level. Even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. That is one of the driving forces behind wanting to do the Feeding Your Demons Kapala Training at Tara Mandala. I realize that if I am unwilling to address my attachments around food, I can never truly understand non-attachment. Thus, I will never be able to move past this circumstance to find bliss.
I choose happiness.
I stand alone.
Or at least that's how I feel. Cleansing is a hard path. I thought that it would be easier to cleanse with a friend, but I'm finding that isn't the case. I'm frustrated right now with what seems to be the unwillingness to embrace this time as an opportunity to rewrite old patterns. I think it's true that it takes getting sufficiently sick of your life before you are really willing to change it. I'm glad that I have sufficient disgust with my life to want to change- and that I am able to take responsibility for my choices without blaming them on other people- good or bad. I want a healthy life. I want to live and be happy- I want to do the things I love without battling constant pain and fatigue- I want to have energy and stamina to be there to serve those I love- I want to thrive... Even if that means that I have to do it alone.
Day 4 and 5 brought a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up on both days feeling drunk and high. That is certainly one of the more unpleasant side effects of cleansing. I'm happy to get the toxins out of my body, however. I have had a splitting headache off and on that seems to have faded. I also notice that my skin is regenerating more quickly- I imagine that the tissues inside my body are also healing at a quicker rate. I'm hoping to be over the most difficult part of the cleanse. I'm no longer having cravings for food or eating that cause much distraction for me. When they come up I'm taking time to attend to them with a curious mind. "Where is that coming from." I have noticed a lot of emotions coming up today. I'm feeling things intensely- and I'm happy that one of the most intense feelings I've had today is gratitude and love. I'm so happy for the spiritual garden I've been cultivating. I love my life and the beautiful things that are coming into bloom.
I think it will be difficult if Ginny chooses not to continue on the fast. The most difficult part is watching people I care about choose the same old patterns that bring about unhappiness. Sadly, I have a couple friends who seem to think that things will magically get better without any real internal realization about why they do what they do.
As for myself- I want to become intimately aware of why I choose to suffer- especially in the realm of eating and food. I'm not willing to give up and let my demon of hunger rule my journey. I want to feel like I am empowered to make conscious choices about what I do and don't want in my life. I want to live a life aligned with my values at every level. Even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. That is one of the driving forces behind wanting to do the Feeding Your Demons Kapala Training at Tara Mandala. I realize that if I am unwilling to address my attachments around food, I can never truly understand non-attachment. Thus, I will never be able to move past this circumstance to find bliss.
I choose happiness.
January 2, 2013
Day 3: Detox Pain
Today was a long and difficult day. All day I had that characteristic detox headache. A splitting headache that comes and goes over a dull and fatiguing headache that spans the back of my skull. When I did have the thought that I want food I quickly realized that even if I had it I wouldn't want to eat it because of the pain. I left work early to come home and convalesce It wasn't a good idea to try to go to work anyways on day 3 of the cleanse. I didn't sleep well at all due to the pain and kept waking up through the night. I'm hoping to move past this painful stage as quickly as possible. I know brighter days are just around the corner.
January 1, 2013
Day 2: It Begins
The detox process has begun. Today I had some cravings for food- but no hunger. I felt satiated by the lemonades, but was definitely having psychological compulsions for food. I never thought I would feel this happy to see pimples erupting across my forehead. Knowing that I'm fasting in service to a healthier life makes it bearable.
It's interesting that the beginning of this process began yesterday evening with a salt laxative flush. Letting go of the disappointments, losses, pain, fears that have created my suffering for the year and giving them to the flame has become a process I am coming to love. Much like the salt allows me to let go of the things in my body that are not helping me be healthy and whole; awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness allow me to let go of the suffering I've been holding onto. What a lovely overlap as I begin this cleanse of the multiple layers of my life.
During my first cleanse I didn't do very much blogging about the physical process. This time around I wish I had kept a better log of my experiences. I know that this cleanse is something I will likely be doing throughout my lifetime. I'm hoping to keep a better record of the intricate feelings that arise as I do this cleanse.
The Detail:
Lemonades:
Cups of Water:
Today I had a minor low grade headache that came and went. It wasn't bad, and it responded well to drinking more water and lemonade. I'm experimenting with laxative teas that might work as an evening ritual. I don't respond well to the Traditional Medicinals tea so I'm trying Yogi this evening. In the shower today I could smell things that are starting to be pushed out of my skin. My skin is very dry and I'm beginning to get pimples. This evening my tongue became coated and I began to break out. I had a difficult time with the salt water today, I'm hoping that I just have to get used to taking that much fluid in the morning.
The Detail:
Lemonades:
Cups of Water:
Today I had a minor low grade headache that came and went. It wasn't bad, and it responded well to drinking more water and lemonade. I'm experimenting with laxative teas that might work as an evening ritual. I don't respond well to the Traditional Medicinals tea so I'm trying Yogi this evening. In the shower today I could smell things that are starting to be pushed out of my skin. My skin is very dry and I'm beginning to get pimples. This evening my tongue became coated and I began to break out. I had a difficult time with the salt water today, I'm hoping that I just have to get used to taking that much fluid in the morning.
Day 1: Happy New Year
This evening Ginny and I rang in the new year with a salt flush and some spicy lemonades. It begins. When Ginny told me that she felt inspired to cleanse for 40 days I felt afraid and anxious. As I begin down this path I realize the my body will lead me if I am willing to trust. 40 days seems like a long time, forever, but I would like to spend a moment to appreciate what is possible.
My intention for this cleanse is to give my body a chance to rest and detox from the accumulation of a difficult 6 months. "Rest, I will take care of you." I have gone over the shame in my head like a broken record, an uncomfortable 12 inches. Not all of what happened over the past months was in my direct control. I'd like to let go of feeling shame and worthlessness for those things that I couldn't change in the moment. And I would like to do my best to care for my body, spirit, and mind as best I can now that I am in a better place to do so. A cleanse is perhaps one of the most compassionate things I can do for myself at this time.
I would like to take this time for rest and clarity. I would like to do better with keeping my meditation practice. I would like to develop deep compassion for myself and let go of judgments that I have been harboring against my own self. I have done the best I can do given difficult situations- and have come to a loving place. I'm so grateful for that.
I would like to spend time in clarity getting my responsibilities in order in both my personal and work life. I would like to get caught up with my work- and help others do the same in a way that is helpful and validating to their (and my) true needs. I would like to expand into my deep knowledge and creativity to create some designs and move through inspiration to prepare for an amazing year of on-the-ground work that is already changing people in profound ways.
I pray for my future self who will be facing challenging times over the next 40 days. A future self who may feel frustrated with a headache, nausea, and hunger. I see the suffering a future I may be in- I wish every gift of comfort, patience, and joyful work for myself.
I pray for my cleanse partner and the fears and self doubt she is holding. May she feel confident determination to care for her body so that she may unfold into things she never knew she was capable of this year.
My intention for this cleanse is to give my body a chance to rest and detox from the accumulation of a difficult 6 months. "Rest, I will take care of you." I have gone over the shame in my head like a broken record, an uncomfortable 12 inches. Not all of what happened over the past months was in my direct control. I'd like to let go of feeling shame and worthlessness for those things that I couldn't change in the moment. And I would like to do my best to care for my body, spirit, and mind as best I can now that I am in a better place to do so. A cleanse is perhaps one of the most compassionate things I can do for myself at this time.
I would like to take this time for rest and clarity. I would like to do better with keeping my meditation practice. I would like to develop deep compassion for myself and let go of judgments that I have been harboring against my own self. I have done the best I can do given difficult situations- and have come to a loving place. I'm so grateful for that.
I would like to spend time in clarity getting my responsibilities in order in both my personal and work life. I would like to get caught up with my work- and help others do the same in a way that is helpful and validating to their (and my) true needs. I would like to expand into my deep knowledge and creativity to create some designs and move through inspiration to prepare for an amazing year of on-the-ground work that is already changing people in profound ways.
I pray for my future self who will be facing challenging times over the next 40 days. A future self who may feel frustrated with a headache, nausea, and hunger. I see the suffering a future I may be in- I wish every gift of comfort, patience, and joyful work for myself.
I pray for my cleanse partner and the fears and self doubt she is holding. May she feel confident determination to care for her body so that she may unfold into things she never knew she was capable of this year.
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