From Head to Heart

Tonight I made my first meal from the Nourishing Traditions cook book. I had to overcome some fear and anxiety, but I just thought of Julie and her lobsters, and I knew everything was going to be ok. The meat recipe was for Spicy Meatloaf. I wasn't exactly prepared for the recipe since I was waiting until today for a fish carcass from Raleys. The fish didn't come in, so there was no carcass for me, so I had to bring home a fish head instead. I've never cooked anything with eyes before. The fish sauce was supposed to ferment for 3 days, but since I wanted to have my meatloaf tonight, I boiled the fish head into a broth. I also added a half pound of beef hearts. I've also never cooked heart before. My vegetable recipe was for Butternut Squash Puree with Pecans. Since I don't have a hand blender, it's a bit chunkier than a puree, but it's delicious and creamy still. I have plenty of left overs to eat through the week and will also freeze some for later. The meatloaf was tasty and the puree was sweet and warming.

Three cheers for overcoming fear to make an amazing meal!

Something Nourishing

I'm happy to be home. I have a lot of unpacking to do, but I'll leave most of it for tomorrow after I've gotten some rest.

This is a new phase for me. Post-cleanse is unfolding in an interesting way and I'm excited to work on a new Nourishing meal plan. There are going to be a few changes to this phase of my journey, and I'm going to give Nourishing Traditions a good try. I'm going to work on some meal plan ideas and figure out where to get what I need for my recipes.

The Day After: Work to be Done

Today is the first day of breaking the fast. I'll be drinking orange juice today and paying close attention to my body to gauge how I'm feeling. Emotionally I'm feeling like I got up on the wrong side of the bed and I put my panties on backwards. I have done neither of the two, so I suppose it's just a mood. I know where it's coming from too. Judgments. Goddamnit. (That's me judging the judging.) So I think a good place to start this morning would be with my butt on the pillow. I don't like the pillow I made. I think I need to make another one.

It would proabably be better to end the blog now and head over to the pillow. I'm sensing the emotions elevate as I let the judgmentmind take over. Time to put them to bed.

Day 18: Breaking and Broken

Today was my appointment with at the Dentist's Office. I thought we might just be doing xrays and discussing next steps, but the dentist surprised me and said he wanted to do an extraction today. I kinda knew that the tooth would have to be pulled, but I didn't think it would have to be pulled immediately. The tooth had an infection so that's that. I bled for longer than I expected to, but it finally calmed down and I'm feeling alright now. I think the vicodin feels especially effective against the pain right now, so I'm only taking a half at a time.

Last night's breakdown was something I wasn't really expecting either. After meditating on the questions I felt I had to work at the edge of, I found myself in a spin. I feel like I'm a bit too fatigued to start writing about it right now. I cried so hard. But it wasn't bad. I welcomed it and opened my heart to the weeping. Mourning for the lack of something I'm not sure I've ever consciously wept for (but something that I always feel the lack of.) I cried on my hands and knees, not repenting, but accepting. I looked up and saw a piece of a new world that I've created for myself. The tears were an acknowledgement and a letting go. It's ok, because right now, I love myself. I care tenderly for myself as I continue to work to recreate my reality. I soothe myself because I know it's a long process, but I have already made the decision, and I make the decision every day.

There is still work to do, yes. There are still old ways of being that aren't helping me. There are still old blocks that need to be undone. I'm so grateful for the many teachers I have to help me find them and nudge them out of my perception.

I think it's time to let myself be lulled to sleep.

Day 17: Relaxed Vortices

I'm feeling exhausted when I wake up. This has been for the past 2 days. It's a level of exhaustion I haven't felt since herxing from Lyme treatment. My body feels completely fatigued when I wake up, I sleep through alarms, and have vivid and disturbing dreams where I grind my teeth and feel like I can't wake up. My suspicion is that the microbes in my body are unhappy that I've decided to take it upon myself to create an inhospitable home for them. I like to be a good host, but not to these little parasites. Once I got up to do the salt flush, I felt much better. One interesting thing that I've been noticing over the past few days is that when I begin hydrating when I wake up, my body seems to know that it's time to flush. Before I even being the salt my body relaxes and begins to easily give up it's waste. I feel like my body is trusting me. Trusting that we are on a path of healing. It's no longer working against me, but with me.

It no longer bothers me to be around people who are eating. Even in the presence of food that smells amazing, I don't have cravings for it. I think how it might be nice to have it, but am just as happy just smelling the aromas. Last night I was too far from the car to make my lemonade, so I had some watered down orange juice. I didn't feel all that great after drinking it. I didn't feel awful, but I could tell my stomach was feeling differently about it than the lemonade. I think yesterday was a difficult day physically. I had mixed maple syrup, missed the salt flush, and woke up feeling like I was run over by a pack of deer. Maybe it was just too much change too soon for my body. I was also up quite late with the ladies.

Last night I drank a water called Vortex 9.5 water. It was amazing. I think I'm addicted. It was the best tasting water I've ever had in my life. Every sip was a beautiful experience. It reminds me of something I tasted a long time ago. Maybe some water I had as a child.

Today I'm in a kitchen hood battle with my neighbors. I'm not sure who I'm annoying right now, but I hope they forgive me. With my heightened sense of smell, wafting odors of putrid oil in my apartment have been causing me a bit of distress. It's a distress that breathing into only makes feel worse. I finally figured out that the horrid smell was coming in through the kitchen vent from the neighbors apartment. After cleaning my vent filter, the smell was still there. Today I'm going to try to remedy the situation by boiling a pot of lovely smelling (hopefully cleansing) water. I have lemon peels, cloves, hibiscus, rose hips, cinnamon, and vinegar simmering on the range. If anything it's covering up the smell of the putrified oil for the day. Hopefully running the vent fan while boiling my concoction helps to clean out some of that horrible grease slime from the vent system. I'm not sure if I'm just hypersensitive, or if I'll think it smells just as awful after I come off my cleanse.

I'm going to end my cleanse after day 20. I want to be sure that I have enough time to assimilate to eating so that I don't suffer any stomach distress while having Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

Day 16: From the Start

Today was a rough day from the start. I woke up very late and felt frazzled that I didn't have time to do the salt flush before going to meet with friends new and newer at the Flower Tree. I felt exhausted beyond belief and completely sapped of energy. To top it off, I ran out of grade B maple syrup and had to improvise. I mixed some grade A with the grade B I had left. I hope that was ok.

After meeting my new friend I headed over to pick and process some corn. It was very relaxing and a lot of work to get the corn all shelled.

I'm home safe and sound now. I have enough grade B to last for the rest of my cleanse. I have the orange juice for breaking the fast as well. I'm ready to mindfully move into whatever the next phase is for me. I'm missing salmon and salad right now. Missing boiled eggs and bread. Even though I won't be eating much bread on a regular basis, it will be nice to enjoy some for Thanksgiving.

Day 15: Shortage and Abundance

I'm hoping that I have enough maple syrup to hold me over until I can go to Reno tomorrow. I honestly believed that the local health food store would have some in by now. It's been about a week since I bought their last ones. I'm sure I'll be fine. I just have to do a little research about what to do if I do run out. Thankfully I have enough lemons. The produce guy at Safeway has been great. I have to go in soon to talk veggies with him so he can carry the organics I like to use on a regular basis.

This cleanse has been wonderful for my living space. I have cleaned out some much junk. It feels good to gradually let go of the things that are no longer useful. It clarifies what is.

All of my personal appointments are falling into place for my week off. It's going to feel good to get caught up on my personal projects and see friends. It also feels good to take care of myself during this time. I'm easing into relaxation and feeling wonderful. It's nice to do a bit of reclusiveness in moments like these. It feels good to recharge.

Day 14: Salt!

Today was the first day of my vacation. I did some more cleaning around the apartment today. I started really working on the contents of my closet. I took a huge step today in my cleansing process. I knew this day was coming, and I faced the challenge today with strength and dignity. I parted with my gaming computer today. I took out the hard drive and a couple of components that I can use to upgrade my sisters computer when I go down to visit. Then I took the computer and monitor into work to be recycled. I also parted with my lovely backlit gaming keyboard and some other peripherals. There's no going back now. I'm offically committed to building something wonderful in the real world and not in a game world. I'm grateful to the game world to giving me a safe place to start on my path of discovery. And it also feels good to know that I no longer need that comfort.

I had a headache all day. (I had it last night too.) I'm pretty sure that stRIPPED last night really got some stuff moving in my body. As much as I wanted to do a salt flush last night, I was far too exhausted to do it. So today I did one in the morning and one in the evening. It is strange how I can feel my body asking for it. When I began noticing that my body wanted it is when my tastebuds also began to really accept the process of drinking it. I don't feel like I'm in a realm of suffering now when I drink the salt water. That's pretty amazing.

I tried to log into the teleconference yesterday from the Center for Mindful Eating. I figured that I probably had the wrong time or something. Today I got a call from someone from the center apologizing on behalf of the doctor for not being able to do the call. I was so impressed that someone took the time to call me. I think I will probably sign up to become a member of the center. I was so impressed with the response. They seem like a great group of people. I'm going to re-read the eating mindfully book to get into a mindful attitude about eating before I begin eating food again. I think this is going to be powerful.

Day 13: Bliss and Sensuality

Today was nothing less than amazing. I felt wonderful today, full of energy and compassion. I got my work done and felt ready to begin my vacation. I drank the salt water this morning quickly with no problems and no sweet spoon to help me out. I decided to check out Karen's stRIPPED class at the gym. It was so much fun! I loved the sexy hip bumping moves. For a moment I felt like I was born to be a stripper! I drank a lot of water to prepare to go to the class and drank a lot of water through the class. I felt intensely fatigued afterwards, but had a good time and got my sweat on. As the class was finishing, I could feel something really going on inside my body. I went straight to the restroom and passed some of the most interesting stuff. I think moving my body really helped to move out some toxins and junk from my body. It was the most solid looking stuff I've passed. Mostly it's just been particles to this point. And it was pretty dark compared to the yellowing particles I passed before. Afterwards I went home and enjoyed a warm salt and oil bath by candlelight. It felt good to sink into the feeling of being on vacation.

Day 12: Drained and Renewed

Last night when I got home I think my body purged a ton of toxins. I stayed up pretty late because I had to go to the bathroom every time I tried to lay down. I also got a disgusting yellowish brown coating on my tongue that tasted awful. (Sort of moldy smelling.) My stomach was bloated and my intestines felt uncomfortable. The feeling has continued through to today and on top of it I'm feeling exhausted and fatigued. I feel deeply tired and really want to rest.

When I woke up this morning I noticed an attitude change about the salt. I actually looked forward to the salt flush this morning because I knew it would make me feel better. It did help to calm my gut and get my day started. I wonder if this is because of the increase in cayenne pepper in the lemonades. I'm glad my body is working so hard to get rid of the junk that's been hiding out in my cells. I'm going to take it easy and spend some time soothing myself and being gentle with myself today.

I think it's time to dim the lights and put on some nice, relaxing music.

Breathe. Water. Lemonade. Compassionate thoughts.

...
Doing this cleanse has really given me the time and space to do some difficult work that has been lingering. I decided to clean my apartment with the time I have now that I'm not cooking, eating, and washing dishes. I ran a load of items to goodwill. It felt good to pass on the accumulation of stuff that I had here in my dining room. I'm slowly getting things sorted and better organized. I'm giving away a lot of items that are just cluttering my life. And I have some items that I haven't known what to do with. (This is all going somewhere.) I contacted my friend to get his address so I could send him his vinyl and cd that I got singed by Alan Wilder for him. I'm going to box up the blood pressure meter and send it to my friend that needs it. (Since I no longer need it after the weight loss.) I gave my old poet friend the opportunity to tell me what he wants me to do with is huge box of papers. And then I came across my old best friends art that she asked me to hold on to for her since she didn't want to put it into storage. I sent her a message to ask her what she would like me to do with it- and that opened up space for us to talk to each other again. I have missed having her in my life so much. We had a wonderful conversation this evening and talked about what the rift between us was really about. We made amends and have begun to repair the friendship that has been so important to us both. I have my friend back. And my apartment is slowly getting less and less cluttered with reminders of an old life lived for the pleasure of stuff. On this leg of the journey I'd like to live more for the pleasure of love and friends.

High on Orange Juice

God- I feel freaking awful.

I don't like how I feel. My stomach is heavy, my mind is racing, I'm shaking, I want to throw up, I can't sleep, my chest is quivering, I have acid in my esophagus, and I want to rest so bad but I can't. I'm dizzy and tingly too. And yeah- OJ tastes awful too.

Oh and my mouth is swollen inside and it started hurting more today. I have an awful taste in my mouth- it feels like my body is panicking and trying to ditch some last minute toxins.

Day 11: Joyful Working

This morning my heart is full of gratitude. Last night was a powerful culmination to a weekend of uncertainty and insecurity. It all lies in my choice to hold the emotions while I keep moving. I so grateful that I have the chance to choose the journey. How many times did I have the chance to give up? How many times did I want to? I'm so lucky to be here in this place with an open heart and mind ready to see whatever comes up. The ugly past that resides in scarred tissue is evaporating as parts of myself dissolve into the expanse. Old emotions tied to useless tissues are fading away and leaving only fresh hope. I can feel the body and mind clinging to hold on to the safety of what's known. But my heart and spirit are reaching for something more. We are reaching out for power. The power in peace, kindness, and compassion. In moments I can remember who I was meant to be. And I can see myself in a new way now. I give myself kindness and gentle love and remember that this has always been alive inside of me. The work is in gently prying the grip of the ego on the imaginary "self" so that something new can begin to grow. The possibility of infinity.

So today I'm going to work on loosening that grip. Breathe and let go.

You aren't who you think you are.

Something

Something intense is happening in my body and mind right now. I'm having a lot of emotions come up and feel a tension in my tissues that wants to be let go. My sense of smell is intensely acute right now and I feel annoyed. I feel insecure and find myself getting stuck in some old judgment cycles. It's a good time to breathe and validate. I have some worry coming from the idea that I don't have enough time to take a vacation this month. I have too many work responsibilities to attend to. Then I hear my heart speaking. I have a family also to attend to and it's ok to want to spend time with them. I feel shame. I'm not even sure where it's coming from right now, but it's the only distinct emotion that I can really pick out right now. I also feel irritated about bitterness that one friend holds against me. All I did was try to help. I think it's time to shred the remnants of what he left here and let it go. Maybe it's time to part with all the remnants of pieces of my life that are no longer serving me. It's time to come to some finality and cleanse these parts as well. Let go. Let go of feeling shame for relationships that weren't honored.

"Why am I not good enough."

That's the thought I keep having over and over this evening. And the universe just gave me some major validation. We all feel it. We all feel insufficient sometimes. It feels good to make the decision to be done with old pain. To move on in a concrete way. It's cleansing to throw away things that have sad attachments to them. And it's reaffirming of my decision to live an ethical life that doesn't cause harm to myself (or anyone else) any more. It has taken a lot of inner work to get to this point. To be able to make decisions for myself because I value my body, mind, and spirit. Because I love myself. The thoughts will come and go. But I know what is true in my heart (wise-mind). I matter. I'm connected. I'm never alone. I belong. I'm loved. All I have to do is breathe that in. Because it's true.

Day 10: Nothing

This morning nothing happened with the salt flush. I don't know what that means. There was no movement at all. I didn't do anything any differently this morning. I got up and drank a bit over a liter of water, waited 30 minutes, then drank the salt water. I waited 45 minutes then drank some more water. Nothing.



I started drinking some lemonade. I increased the amount of cayenne that I'm putting in the lemonade. I hope they got more organic lemons in at Safeway. I got to know the produce guy. When I'm eating again he wants to talk about what kind of organic produce I'd like him to order for me. That is awesome.

I'm really starting to look forward to eating again. I want to find some fresh and fragrant bread and eat it warm with some real butter. I also look forward to some warm soup with beans and other lovely veggies. And I'd like to get to making that pumpkin sage bisque that I wanted to make before I started the cleanse.

Despite that, I'm going to continue the cleanse. I love how my eyes look. I love to look in the mirror and see bright, clear, clean eyes looking back. I love how I feel awake without caffeine. I love how I have calm, patient energy without having energy lows and anxiety spikes. I can only imagine how my insides must be feeling. I like that my body has time and energy to focus on healing. I'd like to have more time to allow my body to focus on healing and regeneration. I think I'll plan on keeping this cleanse up until at least friday. Then I'll consider it again. I wonder how Eric decided how long to continue his fast for.

Day 9: Opening Old Wounds

I haven't been very willing to think back to the losses that took place in my life last year. That is a really disconnected way of stating that. Let me try again. Losing one of my closest friends was very painful and difficult to deal with so I choose not to think about it too much last year. Maybe it's time. I keep thinking about it despite the feeling that I've made it through with grace (for the most part). Part of this trigger might be Thanksgiving coming up.

I think it's time to forgive and let it go. Be sad for the suffering. And breathe.



The permaculture work bee was great. I had a wonderful time getting to know new people at the work bee and after. I was amazed at how well I did at the restaurant. It's interesting how my sense of smell has a locational aspect to it now. I can tell what direction different scents are coming from pretty acutely.

Day 8: Soothing Balance

I felt so frustrated yesterday when I was feeling bloated and acidic. I drank a lot of water, but it didn't seen to help. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized that I had only 4 lemonades. The unsettled feeling in my stomach made me feel like not drinking anymore lemonade. It didn't really occur to me until I spoke to Eric that my body may have been telling me that it needs help getting rid of the toxins in my system. I think going home to take a nap was a good choice. I felt much better when I woke up later in the evening.

I had a lovely night. I finished watching Somewhere in Time and cried. I love that movie so much. Then I took a nice warm bath and gently fell asleep in the warmth of knowing that I'm loved and safe.

I really enjoy talking with Eric. I hope our friendship lasts for a long, long time. Enlightened discussions with him really light up my day and make me smile.

Today the salt was much easier to drink. I'm still having a taste of syrup after I drink the salt to improve the experience. But it is encouraging that this is maybe getting easier now.

On elimination: the salt flush this morning was different. The color was darker and there were less little particles. It's interesting how every day is different.

Day 7: The Lull

Today has been a bit more difficult for me. My stomach feels unsettled and I feel depressed. I'm feeling like I want to crawl back in bed and get a few more hours of sleep or maybe cuddle up with a warm blanket and watch a movie. I feel overwhelmed by how big my project feels. (And here it comes...) And I feel like I'm not the right person to be doing this, worthless. (There it is.)

I think it would be beneficial to take some time today to care for myself and meditate. I've been so busy for the past few days. It's difficult to meditate in my space when I have cats clawing me.

I feel like this is a wall. I want bread. Sleep. A hug.

I'm glad it's the weekend.

Day 6: Amazing Clarity

This has been a truly amazing day. The main thing I noticed today was how my ability to focus on tasks has really deepened. It was so much easier to be mindful of what I was doing today. I didn't have to fight a wandering mind. I feel completely alive. My sense of smell for food is very acute and I can identify whatever anyone in the office is eating. Still, the smell of bread is heavenly.

I felt hunger throughout the day. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to try to drink more lemonade when I feel like this or just ignore it. (Probably drink more lemonade because I actually had a couple of energy dips so I don't think it was a psychological desire to eat, but a physical need.) Hm, that must be what Eric was talking about- learning to pay attention to what the body needs.

Day 5: Just a Spoonful of Sugar

I cheated this morning with the salt flush. I didn't want to feel like I was in complete suffering again this morning. I had a couple spoonfuls of maple syrup to get the salt taste out of my mouth this morning. It really helped me tolerate it, I hope it was ok to do.

Other than that, waking up this morning was a beautiful process. I naturally woke up right before my alarm (set for 4:45am). I didn't feel any nausea this morning and I haven't had a headache all day. I have felt no need for coffee for the past 2 mornings. And today I feel completely awake and happy.

I've been feeling wonderful today. Even with coworkers in the office eating lovely smelling bread I'm not having any real cravings for food of any sort. (I know the bread isn't that great anyway, it's gluten free. Ew.) It is interesting that the most beautiful smell in the world to me right now is bread. I look forward to visiting a bakery and enjoying some hot bread with butter after this fast. It does feel good to know that I'm doing something so good for my body. I feel pretty energized and mentally very aware. I can't believe that this is day 5.

Last night I had a beautiful night honoring those who have passed. I lit all of my candles and cleaned a space where I could write. It felt good.


Somewhere in Time will be here tomorrow. I can't wait!



Today was simply amazing. The only way to describe how I feel is bliss. I got so much done at work effortlessly today and had plenty of time to really touch base with my coworkers. It always feels good to get connected to the people I work with. I'm a little worried about my organic lemon supply. The price of lemons went up from .69 to .79 which is a little annoying. And on top of that I got the last of what they had there this evening. I guess I'll have to make a Reno run for lemons.

We also have to have a serious discussion about my mouth. The taste in my mouth last night was awful. It tasted like medicine chemicals. It was absolutely disgusting. It's amazing what must be getting purged out of my body right now. Today the taste is less mediciney but still chemically. Ew.