Boston Cream Pie

Boston Cream Pie Yoplait Light yogurt is the bomb!

And Bryan Adams still rocks my world. I'm melting to "Everything I Do I Do It for You," and eating pie!!!

Karen Made Me Cry

Last night, the room at the gym where we do Turbo Kick was really hot. It didn't cool down in time for the class, so the instructor, Karen, decided to do sculpt for a second day in a row. Ouch! I'm already pretty sore from Monday. Last night we did a whole different set of things and pretty much worked every muscle in the body-- again!

Since I started working out several months ago, I haven't done anything that has caused me tears because of physical exertion. We did this one exercise last night where you lay on your back with your feet on a big ball, you lift your butt, and pull your legs in. When I saw that we were going to be doing that, I whined, "noooooo." The last time we did those I kept falling off the ball. I couldn't keep enough balance to get anywhere near pulling my legs in. Last night I was able to with a lot of wobbling and shaking. But omg... I cried. It was so difficult to do. It felt like everything last night took complete focus. I am so, so sore this morning. I don't want to get up from my chair. All I want to do is nap, which is not an option at work. I think every muscle is sore. (My arms aren't all that sore. I knew I should have grabbed heavier weights.) Karen told me to tell John that she made me cry. She seemed pretty proud of herself. And, to be honest, I'm pretty grateful that she is willing to push me so hard. I'm starting to feel like more apart of the group there in that class. I don't feel like such an outsider now. Pain is a bonding experience.

Eat, Pray, Love

It's been a nice couple of days. I saw my trainer on Thursday and Friday. We did two short treadmill walks. We did "intervals" on Thursday and he ran next to me. I want do be able to do what he does some day. On Friday the walk was awesome. I felt great. The two light workouts in a row made both days feel like a holiday to me. I feel rested and ready for Turbo Kick today.

Last night I took myself on a date to have some beautiful sushi and watched Eat, Pray, Love. The movie was so beautiful. It was great to watch it while I'm in middle of my own life-changing, soul-seeking journey. I haven't had to leave home to begin searching for my truth. But I have had to leave many things behind. Sometimes it's sad. And I'm learning to let it just be sad. Sometimes it's a relief. And I'm learning to let go of the guilt. Sometimes it's bliss. It's nice to see something new emerge. My body is getting stronger: I'm losing weight and gaining strength. My spirit is getting stronger: This is something I'm doing all for my own balance. My mind is getting stronger: I'm able to regulate my emotions more and let go of thought. I get impatient for an idea of an "ultimate" truth that i have yet to find. So I think my new practice will be accepting everything that is, as it is, right now. Be silent and accept myself as I am today, accept the people in my life as they are today, accept this moment and recognize it for what it is, and act from knowing what things are (not what I want them to be.) I have everything in this moment to live and be full.

Today John told me that I'm getting "skinny." I don't look at myself and see skinny or anything like skinny. I still see the same lumpy me in the mirror with a slightly slimmer outline. He also said that he doesn't want me to get "too skinny." That's something I honestly never considered as an option for myself. I can't imagine myself one day being so thin that I'd be unhealthy. I just didn't think my body was built for thinness. But then again, I don't know what my body was built for. But I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy, whatever form that takes on. I'm not working for a better body image, that is just the side effect. I'm working for balance. I'm working with the idea that if any part of my life is in unbalance, I as a being will be in unbalance. I want to live. That's what this quest is about for me. Choosing life. Choosing not to follow the old patterns of thought. Choosing not to give into hopelessness. I thought this would be easier than it has been. I knew this time in my life would be life-changing. I didn't know that I'd look back 3 months later on a life I no longer recognize: on a self I no longer recognize.

Thought, Deed, Habit, and Character

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.
Buddha

I read this quote last night and was deeply moved by it. It reminded me of something John said when we first started. "Everything you do and don't do is an investment of and for today." This thought has been so helpful to me in a deep way. There have been days when I wanted to just give up. Not just give up on eating well or exercising, but give up on life. I have wanted to just lie there and wait for things to feel different. I wasn't content with now and wanted to avoid the world until things felt better. I've experienced that it's when things feel the most daunting that it's the most important to keep going. I've been doing that in small ways working with John.

Thought
I pay attention to my thoughts when I feel like I want to give up. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for all beings. Those thoughts aren't born of concern for my own being. They are toxic and destructive. Noticing them was the first step. Recognizing the toxicity of my judgments and making a decision to let them go. Making the decision 50 times in 10 minutes to let them go. "I'm no good at this." "I will never get any better." "This is hopeless." "I should just quit." Those are thoughts I've had directly related to being on the treadmill or in a class. Those are the same exact thoughts that have been plaguing me in life. It's no surprise that they are the same thoughts. There is a lot of power in recognizing it. The same patterns of thought that have made working out difficult have continually been making my life difficult. It's just that when I'm putting myself into a new, stressful situation, the thoughts are so much louder. I can clearly see when my mood plummets as I let the thoughts multiply and spin out of control. On the treadmill, I lose energy and the work becomes much more painful. In class, I get frustrated and give up. Just like in life. What a metaphor.

Deed
So, having a schedule of when I meet with John, when I will go to Turbo Kick, when I will go to Cycle, when I will shop, and when I will prepare food has given me a concrete target of exactly what I need to do. I hate to flake on appointments. I flake a lot on friends, but things are very different when I'm going to meet with the trainer. I made a decision to treat my time with him as sacred. (Much like I treat the therapy hour as sacred.) I try my best to be on time. I prepare myself mentally for the meeting (when I'm not in emotional distress anyways.) The cell phone gets turned off. I go into student mode.

I have many opportunities throughout my day to "do". Every cup of water I drink, every grapefruit I cut, every meal I eat, every appointment I make, every punch, every kick becomes an opportunity to do the effective thing. Every action becomes an investment. So when I feel like I'm blowing it or failing, it becomes much easier to put it into perspective when I count all the things I did do that day to reach my goal. And it reminds me that even if I ate too much for lunch or forgot to pack a meal, there are many more opportunities in that day to do". Even when I feel totally awful, depressed, hopeless, and worthless; it is getting easier to do something. Sometimes its the act of doing that reminds me that I'm on a path. I have a goal. And I'm taking action 50 times a day to reach it.

Habit
I noticed that when I eat the wrong proportions of food, I don't feel right. Sometimes I get lazy and don't feel like fighting with my food so I just cook more veggies to make up for not eating the rice. It doesn't fly. I feel unsatisfied and like something is missing. My body has gotten used to eating well. I NEVER thought that would happen. I'm developing those "healthy eating habits" people always talk about. But it started with many small deeds over the past 3 months. Those small deeds are accumulating into something entirely new for me. There is a predictable pattern that is becoming clear as I make new choices. In my whole life, that has never happened for me.

I noticed that with Turbo Kick some good practices are becoming habit. In the beginning I was just trying to hang in there and keep up. I wasn't conscious of good form because I was just trying to get my foot into the air without falling. I had to consciously tell myself, "pivot when you punch, Carmen." I noticed that I no longer have to think as much about it, I just do it. I lift my knees more when I walk on the treadmill and I carry water wherever I go by habit. I wonder what things that take conscious effort for me today will become habit in another 3 months.

Character
I don't know that I've observed any real character changes in myself yet. But I am excited that this is where this is heading. John said that he thought the my growing ability to will my body to do what I want it to do is a strengthening of the mind. I really thought of it as a strengthening of the body. Maybe it's somewhere in between those two. (Or maybe I should just trust John because he always seems to be completely right about these things.) Developing will, presence, and being through fitness is important to me. I envision myself being well in the future. I don't think of this journey as "a stint with the trainer," or as "that time when I worked out." I see it as the start of a new way of being. I want healthy lifestyle though mind, body, and spirit to be defined by my character through everything I do.

...And it all starts with paying careful attention to every thought that passes. It starts with being mindful of where the thoughts stem from and where they go to. It starts with the acknowledgment that I have those thoughts and a gentle turning of the mind to a more accepting way. It starts with letting my thoughts spring up from a place of love... from a place of love for myself and my place in the world.

2 nights in a row of Turbo Kick??

This evening ended up taking an interesting turn. John, because of his focus on the upcoming fight, forgot that we had an appointment this evening. I felt a lot of compassion for him. I know he has a lot to do and he seems a bit overwhelmed with an array of thought. (And judgments) So this evening I ended up going to Turbo Kick. I was about to go do some treadmill time when I saw Karen (the Turbo Kick instructor) walk by. So on a whim, I went to the class. I didn't come prepared with my ankle support today. I was in disorder because I forgot my shoes at home. So I was in a hurry and not mindful of all the things I needed to remember. (Kind of like John.) Things worked out great though. The class was SO hard this evening. I have never done turbo 2 nights in a row. I felt much warmer than I did last night and am feeling pretty sore now even though I took it easy on the jumping without my ankle support. I think my mind is in 2 places right now. I guess it's time to end this blog and start another one. End.

Rocked It!

Today was an amazing day. When I woke up this morning, I was sure that I was going to have a crappy day. Goes to show you what I think I know. When I went to put on my bra, I had to clasp it on the middle set of hooks. (I don't know how else to describe it.) I'm shrinking! Despite my out-of-whack emotions I kept on top of my eating (except for the AM snack) and I drank tons of water.

I stopped by to see John at the gym around noontime. I felt like it was important for me to make a repair for some things I did when I was feeling pretty out of it the night before. It really had more to do with keeping my emotions regulated than anything. (It's always all about me.) I did feel much better afterward and that's when the awesomeness began.

I felt majorly frumpy today. My pants felt huge and were very baggy. I was annoyed that I didn't put on a belt this morning. Then it hit me, "Oh yeah, I'm shrinking!"

I was able to actually let go of the anger and frustration I felt at work by getting totally mindful and active. What do you know, being skillful worked! I had a very effective day and was ultra-excited for Turbo Kick.

When I went to change into my clothes for class I noticed that I was able to pull my pants halfway up my body. Granted, they are pretty stretchy, I don't remember having to pull them that high before to feel like they weren't falling off. Then when I walked, I was annoyed that the bottom of the pant leg was shifting around on my calf. Now that definitely didn't happen before! Oh yeah, I'm shrinking!

I ran into John on my way into class. Always motivating.

Then I got to class and totally rocked it! I stood on the opposite side of the room to see how it felt to be in a different corner. (That is a pretty big deal for me.) The instructor noticed that I did the lunges with the jumps this time. (I've been practicing!) That made me feel soooo good. Midway through class the two ladies in front of me started gabbing. They were complaining about the flab underneath their arms when they punched. Oh hell no. I have more flab than both those old crabs combined. I didn't want to hear it. So I just thought as loud as I could, "If you don't like your arms shut your mouth and start punching!" (Ignoring them was big deal for me. Listening to other people have judgments about themselves is a huge trigger for me. Today I was able to separate myself from it and call it crap.) During turbo I was able to do the jacks! For real! I was so excited when I was able to do them that I gave it all my energy to go as long as I could. It was a total act of mentally willing my body to keep moving, and it worked. Then came the dreaded crunch-time! I usually do regular crunches with my legs at an angle with my feet on the wall. (Beginner-style) But I was trapped by 2 people in front of me and no wall behind me. So, I had to do the regular ab work. And OMG... I didn't do too bad! I couldn't do everything. But I was able to do some things! Something new to practice.

So today I went from feeling pretty worthless in the AM to feeling amazing right now. What a difference 12 hours of skillful mindfulness practice makes!

Massage, Yay

I didn't plan my day out very well. So, that means that I spent longer in Reno that I had intended to and had to find something to eat there. I got a flat bread sandwich at Subway. I came up to a little over 1700 calories for the day, so I think I am still ok. I kind of just left the house with no plan, which really isn't a good thing.

So the reason I stayed later in Reno was because I went to Massage Envy. I had a wonderful massage to work out some of the tension in my shoulders, legs, and back. There were some pretty big trigger points going on in my shoulders. I'm feeling tons better now and am ready for Cycle 60 tomorrow. My friend is teaching the class tomorrow. I've been scared to take any classes he's teaching, I don't want him to think I'm an idiot. I think it will be a great experience though. I had a great time in Cycle 45 today. I thought it was going to be easier than the last Cycle 60 class I went to, but my ankle was really giving me a hard time. The instructor suggested that it might be a good idea to wear the bicycle shoes. I think I need to look into buying some.

Turbo Kickness

This evening John went with me to Turbo Kick. I was really excited an nervous for him to be there with me. I was really afraid that he would say something critical of me. But that didn't happen and I had an amazing time in the class. I was very mindful of how much I enjoyed glancing over and seeing him. The one smile I caught during class made my whole day.

I hope he's proud of me. Because I'm kinda proud of myself.

After the initial nervousness wore off, I had a great class. Doing turbo next to him reminded me of how I felt when I would play guitar in front of my guitar maestro, Bill Kannengeiser. When I would play I would feel initially nervous about what he was thinking. Then something in me clicked. And I just did my thing as if he wasn't there watching me. It feels like getting to know my body is much like getting to know my instrument. Learning the subtleties of the frets and the tension on the strings. Learning the exact place where the harmonic will ring clear and learning when to let it breathe. Hm, maybe I need to find myself a guitar maestro again. I sure do miss performing! My father would always ask me if I'd ask Bill to play something for me. I never did. So as I was doing my best to focus on doing my thing in turbo today, I kept thinking, "There is a master present next to me." Too bad I was too busy doing my thing to really notice the quality of his mastery and be impressed with it. From the very little I was able to see while I was trying not to kick him, though, I was very impressed.

Wow, I need to take a moment to be mindful about how much I enjoyed class tonight. When John asked me during class if I loved it, my response was genuinely, "YES." I do love it.

He did seem just a bit distant tonight. I can't tell if he seemed worried or that he was just thinking about something. I know he disconnects a bit when he is thinking, so I assume that is what's going on. I can't help but go to the place where I feel like he is withdrawing from me though. I'm sure he was just in thought about something. I hope everything is ok with him.

I am SO in love!

I just can't get over how much I love cous cous! Please don't tell me if there is anything bad about this dream food! It's even awesome reheated. It's so perfect under the ginger-steamed tilapia. I feel content with life right now.

I hate to say that I've given up on anything. But I give up on rice. I've had so much rice advice over my lifetime. Even from a couple of chefs. This may be one thing that I never master.

And cous cous is so fun to say!

My Awesome Trainer

There was an article in the local paper about my awesome personal trainer. Here are a few excerpts:

John O'Donnell, who works at Total Fitness, turned to MMA 18 months ago and hasn't looked back. It took him only three fights, which he went 3-0, before turning professional.

Training for his fights have come in various forms. At Total Fitness, O'Donnell's female clientele likes to throw punches, which in turn he uses as an exercise for his footwork. O'Donnell also works at Naval Air Station Fallon and comes into contact with Navy SEALs.

The SEALs have taught O'Donnell more about mental toughness and perspective than the physical tools he can use inside the octagon. However, in O'Donnell's in first pro fight he broke two bones in his foot, but still won.

I sure hope he wasn't talking about me throwing punches! I promise that I have never taken a swing a him. I may throw him an icy glare from time to time (also known as the Carmen-look-of-death) when he pushes me especially hard. But I promise I have never wanted to resort to physical violence! (LOL)

I am so inspired by John. He is the main reason I have grown to love this fitness thing. His patience has given me the opportunity to learn about the world of sweat for the first time in my 36 years. I never considered myself "good at" anything that required strength, balance, or movement. Now I have started falling in love. I'm in love with the warmth that radiates from within after a great work out. I'm in love with seeing progress in my body and with building strength. I love that I have the opportunity to explore my fears and overcome them. John has made going to the gym a wonderful experience for me. He is my support and he believes in me. He pushes me when others give up. He listens to my fears and gives me a new perspective.

I'm so glad that our paths have crossed. He has changed my life in amazing ways. And every day that goes by it only gets better. You know I'll be in his corner cheering for him on fight day!

Cous Cous

That's it. I'm never wasting my time with rice again! I made cous cous for the first time this evening. It's awesome! It's sooo much easier to cook than rice. And it tastes great. Why didn't I try this sooner?

So 3 liters is 12.7 cups??? No wonder John was disappointed when I only drank 2 liters! Maybe I should have worked out that conversion earlier!! It doesn't really work so well for me to think of it as 2 cups here and 2 cups there. It's better if I just keep my liter Nalgene (or equivalent bottle) with me and keep drinking. I have a more concrete goal now though. I just have to really get on it as soon as I wake up. Gads that's a lot of water!