Squat Thrust Mania Depressants

Today went pretty well in Kaia. As soon as I got there this morning I felt judgment about the way the warm up was structured. It felt like we were on competing teams pitted against each other for a race. I really hate any sort of competition. I also really dislike being cheered for more because I choose to move slower. I'm not sure why every moment of the class has to be at "hustle" pace. I really do find that I have to pace myself if I'm going to do back to back hard workout days. Not pacing myself was how I caused so much knee inflammation when I finally injured it in September. (It was a bit more complex that just overuse, I also had not taken enough Advil or iced/heated my knee after workouts, and I didn't understand the importance of rest when it's inflamed.) Now I understand that consistent paced workouts that don't cause too much inflammation so there is no real downtime is my best way to stay consistently active while also avoiding re-injury. I know that I will be managing my knee for awhile because I don't plan on not using my knee. So, yeah, I chose not to hustle everything this morning because I didn't want to hyper-extend my knee and put myself out of commission for the rest of the class, or worse, for the next month (again.) That makes me feel like there is pressure on me when Carry is yelling to pick up the pace and hustle and hurry. I tried to be validating in my mind to myself that this is a wise mind decision to take care of my knee. That didn't seem to help too much in the beginning of class because because of the stream of judgments I was having a hard time ignoring. I had the thought that class was stupid and that I wasn't going to be able to manage the emotions over feeling like I was being yelled at. After I was able to regulate my emotions a bit when we pulled out our mats and weren't in some sort of competitive mode I was able to get back into wise mind and validate myself and bring the dysregulation down. (Now, that's something I wish people would compliment me on rather than moving slowly!) After that the rest of class felt pretty good. I had fun this morning and pushed myself a lot considering my knee discomfort after smacking it on the ground when I lost control (I guess) in a squat-thrust. No real harm done, just an unhappy kneecap for the rest of class.

All of that on two lovely blisters as tokens of my treadmill intervals from this weekend...

I think it's time for some new shoes or socks or band-aid blister ampules.

The Mindfulness Ands

I have a new distress tolerance reminder tool to start out this Kaia Hell Week: sticky self-validation. My goal this week is to really focus on carrying myself with kindness and holding the experience in awareness. I think my desire (and attachment) to wanting the class to feel more supportive and encouraging has only served to create more suffering for myself. Especially with all the judgments that come up when I feel like I'm the only one in class having these negative self-judging emotional reactions in class. I'm going to pay close attention to what I feel emotionally when I start to see the screaming judgments pop up. What am I reacting to? What am I attaching to? This is a prime scenario for distress tolerance skills. This is a situation that is not likely to get better anytime soon, and I have to tolerate it until reality eventually changes. In the interim, the best I can do is to manage the emotions that I know are likely to come up based on the triggers and pad myself with a ton of self-care and self-validation to make it easier to tolerate the negative parts of the experience.

Today I noticed what I feel is a systemic aura of competition even when it's declared that this is not, in fact, a competition. Having to call out a time of completion for the exercise rounds really served no purpose at all other than to call attention verbally to the individual ability to complete the exercises in class. If it was set up to really feel non-competitive, I don't think we would need to call attention to individual progress. There is a much better way to format some of these class exercises to really foster a forum of mutual support and non-competition. Calling out an arbitrary time of completion for no apparent reason is not one of them. I didn't pay attention to time or calling out my completion for the exercises. I immediately noticed how it made me feel like I was, in fact, being compared to others and rejected the idea completely. I choose to move at my own pace and complete the work in a way that felt as self-honoring as possible knowing that a good portion of the class was probably staring at me while I finished my slow-moving attempt at proper form and good effort. I don't particularly like being watched when I work, and I really don't like to be randomly cheered just because I'm moving with a slower intention. It's OK not to like things right? I suppose where I fall into the pit is when I keep thinking, "this sucks." My sticky validation did help, and I turned my sleeve to glance at it several times during the class when I needed a reminder that I'm working hard & this is difficult and making me bump into all of my edges & I can do this because I'm a strong person & it will be over soon.

It was nice to start with mindful walking when the class began today. I decided to count my steps and notice my breath while I walked. I have never done a mindful walking exercise so quickly before. So that was a new experience. It helped to notice the physical experience of being in my body with the blisters on my feet and the cool air on my skin. It brought me fully into the present moment and allowed me to let go of some of the anxiety I had about being in class. It also gave me time to tune myself to being in the class for that hour. I noticed the people around me and reminded myself that I'm only here for me.

Now that class is over it's time for me to do a LOT of self validation. It has been a difficult week. I'm going through a lot and have a lot of pressures all around me. I'm doing the best I can to balance everything and it's OK is sometimes I need to take a break to care for myself when I feel overwhelmed. I don't have to be good. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else, ever. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to fail, because all that is required is that I try, and I did that. I am not a bad person because I prefer to work alone. I'm not strange because groups make me nervous. Not everyone likes to be singled out and cheered in a group, sometimes that adds pressure and triggers self-invalidation.

A Brisk Walk, He Said.

It felt nice to go based on some loving-kind direction this weekend. My emotions finally erupted into an evening of too much alcohol and wanton disregard for all the hard work and sweat I've been doing for Kaia lately. I know I only end up hurting myself when I have these episodes. It somehow felt entirely justified given the intensity of the emotions I felt during the week. In an effort to help my body rid itself of the toxins, I spent my hangover day drinking tons of water and paid a much needed visit to the treadmill. Today I went back to the gym a little more prepared to do some work. I did some treadmill intervals and did some weights. It felt great to tune out to some Depeche Mode while running away from all of my worries. At least while the work interval was on.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Kaia. I imagine that it will be difficult to return. My knee isn't entirely cooperating. It's been difficult to keep the swelling at bay after any of the Kaia workouts. I'm icing my knee as we speak. I spent some time heating up the quad muscles and stretching earlier. And I'm taking a lot of ibuprofen in preparation for what I expect to be a difficult week. The other side of my fears are rooted in the negative emotions I expect to come up while in class. I haven't received a response to my unhappiness with the class atmosphere. I think my opinions have been written off. I think I'm probably the lost cause in the class. I'm not going to give up. I just know that I won't be going back once this is done. Hopefully I can see John again as his training minion after this is over. I know that I can do a lot physically... enough to keep getting stronger and losing weight. I feel like the whole Kaia routine is just damaging my knee and my morale. I've been left feeling like I'm useless, lazy, never trying hard enough, and like I'm just a lost cause. I have very little motivation to feel concerned about meeting any of the arbitrary "goals" that I've set starting out on this path. At this point my main goal is to finish without feeling like shit about myself every day. I'm going to try to tape self-validation to my arm to remind myself while being yelled at that I'm not actually worthless.

If I'm not liking it I may just start doing my own thing. I've already disowned the idea of feeling like I have any responsibility to this "team." My only responsibility is to myself. Period. Call me a discompassionate self-absorbed frigid bitch.

I Need a Drink

It's been a pretty shitty week for me. I'm not feeling very motivated at all with all the knee inflammation and illness I've had. I'm also feeling pretty tired of Kaia and the way I feel when I leave class.

I need a drink.

Elevated

I went to the doctor today and got fitted for a patella stabilizing knee brace. I've been ordered to wear it all day today (at least) and while I work out (especially when doing jumping things.) I've also been commanded to keep my knee elevated today. I'm always remiss to put up my feet while working, but hey, Doctors orders right? I'm hoping that the use of this brace will be like when I began to use the ankle support. I noticed that I was able to do more and for longer with the support than without, and it resulted in be being able to sweat more and more often. I'm not too happy about having to wear this big bulky thing that I'm sure will feel hot, sweaty, and cumbersome when I'm trying to jump and kick. It feels like I have somehow failed as a person because I can't mentally will my knee to be better. I know that doesn't make any logical sense, but there is still some remnant drumline mentality that I should just be able to endure the pain without complaint. I don't want to do anything to permanently damage the tissues, though. That would be a very bad thing for my Turbo Kick career.

My workouts now feel completely draining. I feel like each thing I do is taxing me to my limits. I think it's having so many hard workout days in Kaia mixed with demanding more of myself in Turbo. This 6 week ultra-workout schedule is a great thing for my body. I can already feel changes in my strength even through weakness. I just have to watch that knee. After this 6 weeks I'm going to fall back to my regular Turbo Kick/treadmill/hoopnotica routine maybe with a day outside to do a Kaia style workout in the sun. It will be good to let my knee recover I think.

I haven't taken the time to log in my calories for the weekend. I didn't do all that bad in my opinion. As far as cases of the "fuckits" go, this one wasn't too bad. 750 mL of red wine (yum), sushi, cake, and chicken fajitas. And I felt completely human for a good 3 hours. It felt good to laugh and do absolutely nothing for an evening. I rarely do so much of nothing, so I'm going to say that it was a good thing (except for all the crying.) Maybe even that wasn't so bad.

So it's week 3. I'm in a brace and elevated. I'm fatigued and spent. I'm a bit emotional and feeling a little female. I'm a disturber of the peace (along with all my Kaia girls and Kaia Koach Carry.) And I'm ready to face the day.

Time for some NSAIDs!

I always love a good bang...

As I was leaving the apartment this morning, it began to snow. I hurt from yesterdays Double-D. After giving it my all in Kaia in the morning, I did Turbo Kick in the evening. It's interesting to observe that when my body feels stripped down to it's weakest state after exertion and restriction I'm better able to notice the inherent resident strength that is growing inside of me. I didn't feel like I could possibly move any more. I didn't think I could endure one entire hour of intense work. To my surprise it wasn't very difficult to keep giving a little more. Just jump a little more. Just one more time. Just one more minute. My muscles already hurt, so what was there left to lose. It will hurt anyways when I'm done, so why not get friendly with the pain and set a place for it at the table of me.

This morning I felt taxed. Rather than waking up feeling regenerated, I felt weak and sore. Just one more day. Just one more hour. I wonder if the bronchospasams from cold exertion will help to build up my lungs. This is the first winter in awhile that I haven't had a problem with chronic bronchitis. I know that so much of the "keeping going" is not the physical body, but the mind. Fading into the warm silence while my muscles scream and weakness gives way despite my intent to be strong. Pushing to the place where failure is definitely an option; quitting is a possibility. Going to that place where my will and endurance end and daring to cross the line into shame and embarrassment. Pushing a little harder. Wanting it a little more. Letting the wet warmth radiate from my core into a place where a new me is forming. I never knew the clearest moments of essential knowing were to be found in agonizing pain, or maybe I always knew.

It's strange that sometimes where others are weaker, I'm stronger. It's strange that where I was stronger then, now I'm weaker. It's strange that this is me thinking this useless junk.

Nothing like a good bang to start a Tuesday morning. Hopefully my favorite massage therapist is available to give my banged body some attention on Saturday...

You're Prolly Thinkin' I'm Wrong Right?

Turbo Kick! Class was amazing! I got there early expecting the onslaught of post new years resolution folks to fill the room. About half the class was new, and that was great. I hope they all come back. It was nice to have some men in the room. I went for the gusto and wore my hand weights for the first part of class, and for the high-lows. I have my arms in mind for my push ups goal for Kaia! The thing I love about Turbo is the semi-predictability. There is a base of movements that Karen has had a lot of time to instruct me on. Having her help with form has been essential and very much appreciated. Knowing that really helps me to plan around my knee while getting an amazing workout. It also means that I don't spend a lot of time feeling lost while I try to understand what is being asked of me. I think in Kaia I end up doing things wrong or half assed because I don't know what's going on. I think that not knowing whats going on is also important, but it is nice to have a base to come back to. Turbo is also a much more intense cardio workout than Kaia, although Kaia is much more strength focused. Both are important. I do prefer the feel of Turbo. I never feel like I'm in trouble, getting yelled at, or being judged. I feel gently encouraged even when Karen is telling me not to give up. Turbo also has the cool factor that Kaia just doesn't come close to having. Kick ass music and fun moves make it feel kinda like a party. Kaia feels like gym class hell. Maybe it's time for me to be a gym class hero. Damn it why doesn't Kaia have kick ass music?

It's enough to make me want to put up the peace sign, put the index down!



So yeah, I kinda knew that's how I might be feeling after a week of this... and that's why I signed up. What a wonderful chance to validate the valid and notice my reality. I actually do enjoy seeing everyone in the morning. And, yes, I actually do enjoy being cheered on and cheering on my team. I really do. I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like a child. And that is something for me to look more closely at this week. What do I feel like I'm being asked to give up, and is that real? How can I work on being more aware of how I'm feeling in the moment? How can I remember to validate myself during class, especially in the first half of the session, to help myself become more emotionally regulated... to be able to be present for the things that are positive in that time. How can I work to make my little space in the group more self-honoring? How can I work to give my best and push myself while also protecting my knee from injury? How can I meet the very high goals I've set for myself during this winter brik? How can I prepare for the emotions that I know will come up better? How can I be more validating of the experience of the women around me who are also going through this experience by my side? The good thing is that there are 5 more weeks of practice ahead of me. I have plenty of time to work through this, let go of the ego, find compassion, work my body, and meet those goals!

The highest form of meditation is simply living.

Sleep!

I was not in the mood to get up in the morning and feel the rush of judgments that came up when I felt like being committed to a group of chipper peeps was what I wanted to be doing with my time. I didn't want to hear any encouragement about how I was doing a good job. I knew I wasn't because my knee was uncooperative and holding me hostage as a slave to the gravitational pull of the earth. I didn't want to hear it; about how next week we were going to be harder on being late. I wonder if other people like this sort of thing? I prefer not to have my sovereignty stepped on too often for frivolous reasons. And showing up a few minutes late to a cold class outside doesn't feel like good enough of a reason to relinquish my autonomy.

I didn't last too long after class; I fell asleep in my warm bed. I had intensely saturated dreams again. It's interesting the dreams I have after a very hard work out. They are very self reflective and more "true," as well as more "lost."

Curry Tofu Sautee

Ingredients:
2 servings of organic firm tofu
2c Broccoli
.5 Zucchini cut lengthwise thin
.5 Yellow Squash cut lengthwise thin
.25c Onion chopped
.25c Fennel bulb chopped (totally optional)
1 clove Garlic diced
.5 tsp Olive Oil
2/3c Quinoa cooked

Instructions:
Cook the quinoa. I soak it in water for 20 minutes and drain using a sieve. Put the drained quinoa into a pot of boiling water. I don't measure it, it's not picky. Boil for 20-30 minutes until you see the little curly-q's show up. Drain. I cook enough to last for the week since it reheats well.

Drain and dry the tofu. I use a few paper towels to soak up the excess moisture from the tofu. Crumble into pan with olive oil and cook on medium high heat until brownish and the excess moisture is gone. Add broccoli, onion, garlic, squash, zucchini, fennel, and spices of your choice. For this dish I went for a curry flavor with Cumin, Turmeric, and Paprika, and Kosher salt.

Sautee and serve over quinoa.

I Hate My Knee Today

Today has been rough and real so far. We did 3 minute sets today of an assortment of exercises. My body feels fatigued from the week of hard workouts. I've been watching my knee after the pain I felt in Kaia Flow yesterday. Today my knee was really hurting with some of the movements we did. I get so frustrated when I feel like the rest of my body can do a bit more, but my knee won't let me. I used to have pain problems in my ankle when I first started. I remember feeling the same sort of frustration. Today it got to the point that almost no matter what I did my knee was screaming at me. I always feel unsure about what to do when the class instructor is saying not to give up and my knee is killing me. I know that continuing to cause pain doesn't help anything. I'm going to really focus on getting knee rest over the weekend. Ibuprofen and ice are going to be my friends along with a lot of stretching and hot baths. I don't want my knee to totally take me out of commission again. I was so happy when I was able to go back to Turbo Kick after being in physical therapy. I don't want to take a hiatus again. So it's very important to stop when it hurts and do something else. And when I feel it getting wobbly, it's time to stop moving it. I have to be mindful whenever we do movements that can cause knee pain. Take it slow, Carmen. I'm still strengthening from the injury... and it hasn't been all that long. The muscles will get stronger, I'll keep losing weight, and I will be able to do more... maybe just not today. Low impact, high intensity.

I cried today. I felt so overwhelmed with frustration and shame that I wanted to kick something. That would not have helped my knee. All I felt like I could do was cry because I really didn't want to give up. Maybe I have to start thinking about it as caring for myself so I can continue to keep moving instead of giving up.

Kaia Flow

Yoga was exactly what my body needed this morning. And a moment of mindfulness was exactly what my mind needed. This morning was one of those days, when I wake up feeling anxious and disconnected. Nothing felt quite right this morning and it was difficult to accept. When I got to Kaia I felt like I was heading down the road of dysregulation. I didn't really want to be there today. So I took a couple of minutes to bring my focus back into my body before class began. I focused on the feel of the air on my skin and on the feel of my body in contact with the floor. I know feeling confused makes me anxious. I think I felt confused about the detox and meal plan "suggestions." I felt frustrated that reading the literature provided wasn't much help. It also made me infinitely grateful that I didn't walk into Kaia without first having a good base established through the work I did with John. I can see how this could been very frustrating if I was coming into fitness for the first time. I think for people who are more people-people it would be more inviting, but for me it can feel quite intimidating. I have grown to love group fitness over time and love observing (and occasionally participating) in the interactions of the group. But if this was my first exposure to it I think I would have felt quite lost.

Carry has been an amazing support in helping me to not feel so lost with this new perspective. It must be a lot of work to field the questions from the whole bunch if everyone has as many questions as I do.

Tomorrow is going to be intense. I'm excited and nervous for tomorrow, my second Double-D this week. If my knee cooperates, I'll be doing Kaia at 5:30 am and Turbo Kick at 5:30 pm. Maybe I will feel a bit more connected to my being tomorrow. That would be nice.

OHMYGODICANHOOPONMYCHEST!

This hooping move has been frustrating me for awhile. I thought hooping on my chest just wasn't something I'm capable of doing because of my arms getting in the way. Tonight I spent 30 minutes with the hoop just having fun with it and dancing to some awesome music. I felt especially energetic so I started doing the chest isolations in the hoop really focusing on the back push. Low and behold the hoop popped up to my chest! I thought it was a fluke so I started at the waist again and tried it-- and the hoop popped up again! I was so excited that I tried popping one arm down into the hoop and the hoop didn't fall down! I can only do one arm right now, but I will be working on alternating the arms now! I really need a video camera!!! I LOVE how that move looks! I'm so excited! Oh my god I can hoop on my chest!!!

The move is at 1:11 in the video. =)

Breathe, Breathe, Stretch

Today Kaia was a really fun mix of all kinds of different exercises. We bounced back and forth between many things and ended in a nice circle passing the handbags around. It was great to see how everyone decorated their bags. There was a lot of beautiful unique color and style. It's a reflection of the many individuals in this conglomeration; each one with their own unique style; each one with something special to share.

I had to take a moment to be mindful of uncomfortable emotions this morning. I always feel pretty embarrassed when I'm commended in class. I'm not sure why it feels so uncomfortable for me. There is a part of me that does feel encouraged and there is a part that feels shame. (Wow, that is an unexpected emotion to notice. I didn't notice it until I sat down to think about it right now.) In class I was only able to notice that it felt "uncomfortable." I hate how so many positive emotions often get paired with shame for me. I guess this is a really good time for me to be mindful and validating of the totality of my emotions and let go of judgments that I somehow don't deserve to be commended. It's also good to notice that this is a community built on a supportive foundation, and that there will be a lot of these sorts of commendations floating around. And it would also be good to note that I really do think that is kinda nice!

Today is my fist Double-D (double day). I'm going to do 30 minutes of practice with my hoop this evening. I am going to work on a few of the movements that have been giving me trouble and I'm going to do some work to condition my muscles in my back for chest hooping. Chest isolations, baby. My second Double-D will be on Thursday. Thursdays will very much be my tough days physically. I have to be sure to eat all my calories at the right times and drink all my water because I'm planning on doing Turbo Kick at 5:30 pm this week. I will also be picking up a Turbo on Saturday this week as well. So I will have to very careful to watch my form with things that could trip up my knee and I have to be aware of knee swelling after the workouts.

I'm not sure how closely we are supposed to follow the meal planning suggestions for Kaia. I'm not sure exactly sure what the detox for week 1 is targeting. I haven't stopped eating meat for this week because that seemed like it would have taken more time than I had to plan my meals for the week. So I'm pretty much eating the same mix of foods, just tracking them more stringently and cracking down on the random snacking I've been doing for the holidays. I'm not thrilled about the Kaia detox drinks. Since I don't know what we are really targeting with the detox, I'll just drink a bit more of my EveryDay Detox tea and be religious about taking a daily dose of Olive Leaf Complex. I have never tracked fiber before and was pleased to see that my pretty standard meal plan for a Monday has 45 grams of fiber. With a goal of 30-35 that's wootness!

I can't wait to go shopping later with Carry. I can always use new ideas for foods I can add to my meal plans. Variety is the spice of life!

Kaia: Fit Test

Today was the inaugural day of the Kaia F.I.T. Winter Brik. I don't really know what "Brik" is. I'm not sure if it's an acronym. Maybe it stands for "Bootcamps Really Intense Kousin" or "Bring Rubbers In Kase." But maybe it's just the foundational building block for the whole Kaia program. I'm surprised how awake I felt after not sleeping all that great. I was so exited for this morning that I kept waking up through the night to check the clock because I didn't want to oversleep.

I started with the 2 cups of water John would always try to get me to drink as soon as I wake up. Of all the things he has ever asked me to do, that one if the most difficult. I can see how critical it will be while I'm doing this. Maybe it will even train me so that I continue doing it on a regular basis! Wouldn't that make John proud.

When I did the 5k on New Years Day I only wore a thermal wicking chest. I was still pretty frozen even with all the layers I was wearing. I decided today to wear full length thermal wicking shirt and pants under my layers. That made all the difference. I was able to warm up and keep my heat and not feel chilled. Score!

First round with Carry:
We did 2 parts of the fitness test. For my semi-randomized group of people dressed in black we started with squats, jacks, high knees, sit ups (I did crunches are those the same thing?), and push ups (on my knees). We repeated the cycle several times and recorded our best numbers. I felt like I really gave it full energy and I was proud of my effort.

I remember back to "the beginning" (aka May 2010) I could barely walk a mile without extreme pain. I couldn't do a single regular jack and did a modified version with one foot because of the pain in my ankles and legs. And I couldn't do a single push up. Now I can do jacks-- and that is very exciting for me. The day I was able to overcome the force of gravity and get my ass airborne was a very exciting day. Since then I've been able to do a little more over time (as long as my knee cooperates). Some days I have to back off of the jumping when my knee is swelling, but I seem to recover easily with very little pain now that I know how to pay more attention to what my knee is telling me. I don't know what the time was for these... I'll have to check. So my first round numbers:
Squats: 19
Jacks: 25
High Knees: 17
Sit ups (crunch style): 20
Push ups (Darrell style): 10

(really?!? I don't remember doing 10!!! OMG! I did them Darrel style I think-- as best as I can remember- going down till my upper arms are parallelish and pushing back up-- I hope I did them right. As I got fatigued I would go farther down and really have to struggle to come back up. I'm sure I didn't really do 10 that sounds freaking impossible! wow that is some sort of kickass milestone to start out with!)

Second round with Robin:
...didn't go all that great. I consciously know that my work over the past 6 months has really been cardio focused. The most strength I get is in Turbo Kick when we do sculpt or at the end part of the class. So it's not surprising that the movement exercises that require more strength and coordination are very difficult for me. Something to improve on, right. I do want to work on my muscle strength more, especially in my upper body, and very especially in my abs. I remember starting Turbo Kick- when we would do abs, I could only do feet-on-the-wall-abs- and I never really ever got sore. My sister had the same experience with her ab work, there was a long delay before she noticed soreness. I've only recently begun to feel REALLY sore after ab work. It was at the beginning of December when I noticed feeling more sore and that I'm able to at least attempt the ab things everyone else in class is doing. I can't usually quite keep up or do them for the full duration (although I try with every ounce of energy to) but I can at least do them until I'm seriously fatigued or hurting now-- and I feel it the next day. I think maybe my ab muscles were so weak that it took 6 months to get them primed to be able to really do the work. Whatever the case may be, my abs feel very noob to the process and will be a focus for me. Also my arms, I have been really focusing on working my arms by pushing myself with adding weights when we do high lows in Turbo, by adding weights in the beginning of class, and by grabbing a heavier weight when we do arm work. I can see the difference in going from 0 to 10 pushups! I am going to keep this up and really work on arm strength. I want Jessica Biel's don't-fuck-with-me-arms. So my round 2 numbers... don't laugh at me!

Squat Thrusts: 7 I think... (before I got confused about what we were doing because everyone else moved onto another exercise. I kept catching myself wanting do to burpees... it took me SO long to learn to do one that it's programmed into muscle memory now... it's also easier on my knees so I think my knee tells my brain, "Burpee please!")

Show-boarder: 6 I think... (before I got confused- AGAIN- and everyone else moved on.)

Skier Abs: 4.24 minutes to complete the requisite number- I don't know how many that was- maybe 15.

I don't know if we did something else. I was honestly feeling pretty lost, confused, and inadequate during this part. I tried to keep bringing myself back to the exercise at hand in between panting on my hands and knees and feeling confused about weather or not I was supposed to complete the exercise to the end or move on with the rest of the class. I'd be wiling to do this part of the fit test again with some clarification so I can have a good baseline to compare against. I did so bad that I know there will be progress to be seen here. (I know, bad is a judgment. Maybe it's best to say I didn't do as well as I would have liked and was confused about the direction. I really did my best and worked on not beating myself up and not giving up. So that is a star for me.)

Oh and did I forget to mention that we did this outside in a park at 5:30 in the morning? The high for today is 34 and the low last night was somewhere around 10 (deg-F). So you can imagine how cold it was pre-dawn on icy grass!

So after that I signed my properly dated death waiver and went home to quickly change for work. For the next 6 weeks I'm going to be a sweaty worker since I don't have time to shower before getting to work at 7 (or as close as possible to 7). Thank goodness I already went through the whole dripping disgusting discarded defilement, perspiration pore purging, blackhead buildup breaking-out, seeping synthetic soiled sweat, oosing oily oughta-be oleoresin phase. Whew!

I know my abs are going to be hurting later... yay! My arms also feel a little noodley, and I think my upper arms and pecs will be feeling it later for sure. If I didn't have to go to Reno tonight I would totally hit Turbo Kick later. That will hopefully be my fun double day workout. I don't feel worn out or used up... just really hungry and wobbly. I have to do my schedule-- once Total Fitness gets the calendar up I'll plan out my month.

Now I'm just waiting around for SNACK TIME!

Yarrr!

You've Got To Work Hard.... If You Wan't Anything At All!

My 10 pound handbag for Kaia F.I.T.! We made weights out of sacs of dirt! We have to decorate them with something that will inspire us. Number one inspiration: DEPECHE MODE! And the Exciter tour has the most beautiful magical memories! I'm so ready for this!

You knew it would come to this...
Here is a pretty awesome cover of Work Hard by Depeche Mode!!!

Getting Ready for Kaia

I spent my day preparing for Kaia F.I.T. tomorrow morning. I was going to eat my last cous cous for 6 weeks, but I ran out. So I started an evening early.

I was happy to find out that my meal plans now mostly are Kaia-compatible. I had to make a few adjustments, but nothing major. In my meal plans over the past 6 months I have been willing to accept some artificial ingredients. I certainly don't eat as much as I used to, so I was fine accepting a little. Here are the adjustments I made today:

Yogurt: I usually buy the Sunnyside Farms Light Vanilla Yogurt. It does have artificial sweetener so I picked up a plain organic light yogurt at Raleys that is also non-gmo. This is a change I might feel good about keeping after the 6 week program since it fits into my value system currently (given that the new yogurt scheme is just as delicious as the artificial stuff.) I'll give it a go and see.

Garlic Chile Sauce: There are 2 ingredients in this sauce that I had to find substitutes for. I'm going to have to play around with this to find a happy medium. This will not be a permanent change. I can really taste a difference in the sauce. One change was the mirrin. I'm not sure if "no alcohol" applies to tiny quantities of cooking alcohols, so I replaced it with rice vinegar. The other replacement was honey. I know sugar is the devil, but really? Honey? I usually use a teaspoon in the sauce. I made a replacement sweet-goo out of chia, tea, and purevia. I was trying to replace the sweetness and consistency. The sauce now tastes artifical. There really is not a replacement for that honey in the sauce. Only 6 weeks.

Cous Cous: Replaced one for one with quinoa. I'm ok with that. I like quinoa and had enough organic quiona to make enough for the week.

I know I'll have to replace the mirrin and honey in the miso glaze. That is going to be a VERY chia heavy sauce. I already have chia as a thickener in the sauce... We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. My veggie sautee is the same-- and I love it. I'm so glad to have my swiss chard back. Those collard greens just weren't cutting it for me. My sautee is now back to full yumminess. I baked chicken for the next several days salads and started hydrating for tomorrow morning.

Ok the sauce isn't that bad... but I miss the honey anyhow.

I was happy to discover that I lost 5 pounds in the month of December despite all of the family and friends eating episodes. I'm glad I kept up with the workouts while I traveled! Saved my butt.

I expect to be sore tomorrow. I expect my blisters to annoy me if we run or anything. I expect to feel irritated and uncomfortable at feeling like I don't belong in a group. I expect to have fun. I expect to be cold. And I expect to have to remind myself at least 10 times to be aware and nonjudgmental of myself and others. Compassion Carmen.

I WIN

I was certainly an uncomfortable experience doing a 5k in the snow. The temperature when I left the apartment was 22 degrees F. It wasn't snowing and the air was very still. When I got to City Hall there was still no falling snow as I got registered and started to stretch for the walk. I had my awesome playlist ready to go for the event and my new interval timer set up and ready to keep my times. (The interval timer is awesome it whistles at me when it's time to change my pace.) My plan was to walk and jog intervals for the last 2.2 miles. I've been doing intervals when I work on the treadmill and it has been getting easier to push through the jogging intervals with a fairly easy recovery time in between.

Then... it started to snow. It was a lovely light powdery snow that only falls when it's very cold... and then the temperature dropped a bit. By the time we started the street was white with snow and the walking path was impossible to see-- thank goodness some people had maps. There were signs, but even those were difficult to see if you weren't looking in the right direction for them. (I wasn't wearing my glasses because it was harder to see with the melting snow on them.) This was the poorest planned 5k I have done to date. The registration table was set up with no cover so the poor workers (who didn't have their winter coats donned) were getting snowed on. They were entering information into a laptop-- while they tried to keep it protected from the falling snow-- and there were very few volunteers coordinating the event. There were no people at any of the turns to keep you from making a wrong turn. There was no one available to help if needed. And there were no water stations.

I was able to get 3 jog intervals in early in the race before the streets got to be too slippery for me to feel comfortable moving that fast. Twice I almost really slipped which would have been a scary situation. I decided to wear warmer socks since it was so cold. That probably wasn't the best idea since I am ultra picky about my socks because my feet are so sensitive, really. I'm not just being the princess and the pea here, but I can totally relate to her dilemma. If the sock is too rough a cotton or has too big of ribs on it they hurt me. And forget wearing those standard absorbent-type white cuff gym socks-- those are torture. So I go out of my way to find nice microfiber (bamboo if possible) socks for working out. I got blisters after about mile 1 on the balls of my feet.

Everyone always easily passes me up at these walks. It's hard not to compare yourself to other people when the damn thing is called a race. I have to try hard to put that thought out of my head and focus on my reality as it exists in front of me at that moment-- and just do my absolute best. Perhaps it would be worth noting that most of those people probably have been fitter longer than me and have probably not just lost 53 pounds since June.

Despite all that thinking I did kind of give up at the end of mile 2. I felt like it was useless to push myself because I will never "win." Then a kick ass song came up on my playlist and reminded me that I'm doing this for myself- and that is a win no matter when I get there. I picked up the pace and worked past my blisters and cold, wet feet. I walked with intention and mindfulness of my experience. Cold, really uncomfortable pain in my quads, judgments, worries, very cold, and happy to be there to feel it all.

Into mile 3 the excitement of finishing kicked in and I felt my mind slipping into that warm, wet place of non-thought. I love that place! The roads got quite slippery at that point and I had to slow down a bit to accommodate my sliding feet. I'm nervous about slippery surfaces having slipped and really hurt my tailbone before.

I had ice in my hair from the sweat and frozen falling snow. My nose wouldn't stop running. My hands were numb. My feet were icy. I was probably near last.

I finished.

And only 1 minute 11 seconds slower than my last 5k that was in warmer, drier conditions with better guidance and facilitation on the track.

My body has been in quite the state of shock today. I slept and had consuming dreams after I warmed up enough to stop coughing. I think the exercise in the cold irritated my lungs causing exercise-induced bronchoconstriction after the race. Once I warmed up they stopped. I felt icy cold AND burning hot for hours and I couldn't think straight. Maybe was a bit hypothermic. And ohmygod I hurt. I've been drinking water-- and I fed a massive craving for pasta. I normally dont go out to eat and certainly not for pasta. But I was wondering if my body was kindly requesting carbs since I may have burned them up. I figured a new years day pasta run was in order. I didn't eat much, but I feel much better now.

As far as I can tell:

I WIN!