Losing My Muse

Blurring the lines
Classically undefined
Second rate lovers
Can't catch my mind
Reaching back days
Changing up ways
Blues and the reds
Add to the haze
Breathing in fumes
Losing my muse
Bleeding out sorrow
And blowing a fuse
Drugs become stable
But I am not able
It's easy to cut
And ignore the label
Cycling in threes
360 degrees
Toxic and breaking
Failing to please
Conspiracy is fact
You're where I'm at
Give me reason
To take off my hat
Waiting for something
Still having nothing
Silence the lines
Then we'll stop being

Am I Sexy?

It has been some time since I've written a blog to update the status of my physical being-ness. Perhaps some of the reason for the digital silence has been shame. Maybe some laziness as well. Maybe I don't want to document the ups and downs of the state of my physical body and the metaphor for life that a diagnosis of chronic illness is. Maybe this whole journey feels like it has been a waste of time since of the 95 pounds I lost in total from the beginning of the photo journal in 2005 to 2010, I have gained 60 of it back. All of the fasting, training, turbo, walking, shoe inserts, green juices, and food journaling have ended up with me becoming a statistic with the diagnosis of diabetes and a heap of pills and doctor appointments to ensure that I get to keep the use of all of limbs.

Now I contemplate a decision that I have previously entertained but rejected multiple times throughout my journey. Bariatric surgery. I always felt like taking the route of surgery was "the easy way out." Like, somehow, it was a weak thing to do. I don't need to justify my decisions to this blog, or the one or two people who have ever read it- or to myself. But here I am, justifying. Apologizing. And contemplating the barbaric actions I am about to authorize on my organs in order to have the best chance possible at keeping my blood glucose levels under good control for the long term.

And with all of these weighty topics of contemplation, I find myself wondering if surgery will leave me feeling less sexy. Maybe this sounds a little crazy, since society has declared that the smaller one is, the sexier. I know this intellectually and experientially not to be true. Sexy can't be defined by a number on a scale or any other measure of a body part. I know that to me sexy is 90% in the intellectual stimulation that I feel with my beloved- and 10% in the flow of our being-ness together. I could list some of the intellectual things I find to be quite sexy, but I don't want to get too turned on right now... I have a blog to write.

This right here is the golden ticket. I know this is how I create a lot of suffering for myself. I make assumptions about what others *might* think. I hardly need another person to step in with judgment about me, because I have that base covered with an outpouring of self-judgment and criticism. Imagining that a potential partner has a "standard" idea of what is sexy has kept me from being in any kind of relationship for quite sometime now. (As well as other more painful emotional relationship and trust matters that might fit in better on my other blog or in some poem.) So, do I imagine that I will be any less alluring because of a number and physical state of being that I hardly take into account when I'm daydreaming about whoever Mr. Sexy du jour is? Yeah. Like I said, crazy.

So, since sexy can't be measured solely by outward appearance or quantified in numbers, I guess you'll just have to follow me and find our for yourself.

Jump!

I decided that there is something significantly different between today and yesterday. And to commemorate this moment, I decided it would be good to reopen this blog. My life has sure seen some ups and downs since I gave up on having a regular exercise regime.

These are  no small detours. It was for very good reason that I looked for alternatives to the way I care for myself after getting very sick with lyme. After the symptoms cleared, I went through a period of doubt that I was actually better because of the notorious way lyme relapses. When I had become satisfied that I was, in fact, "over" lyme, had only a little bit of time before I received the diagnosis that I have diabetes.

Here I am again. Making plans for better ways to care for my body- and thereby care for my mind and spirit as well. I'm giving myself the permission to let go of my suffering. And I'm going to work on getting clear about the causes of health and happiness.

I know I have it in me to be well. That is what lyme taught me. I have learned a lot since working with my trainer in 2010. And this time I will be thinking about nutrition and rest very differently. I don't want to starve my body and overwork myself to fatigue. I want to do what feels right and natural for my body and find a balance between stillness and movement.

I found my rhythm with the rope today. I am getting used to the coordination necessary between my hands and feet- and learning to trust myself to know when to jump. Instead of stopping because I'm getting caught in the rope, I'm stopping because I'm getting winded or cramped. This too will change day by day and I will be able to jump for longer and with more energy. I'm impressed with this start- given the length of time I have been away from working like this. At first I was coughing a lot. But it seems that I have cleared the cobwebs from my windpipes- because that isn't happening any more. I'm starting out with 1 and 2 of the basic bounces for the first few minuets- then progressing to working on more continuous jumping until I mess up or am in pain. Once I'm a little stronger I'm sure it will become even more fun as I can work on learning other moves. For now I'll work with the basic bounce and walking to stretch out cramped muscles.

I'll work on some new goals and update my photos as well... for documentation sake.

To the recognition of something different.

A Break in the Cleanse

I haven't posted with an update on the cleanse for awhile, so I figured that I should sit down and do that. We decided to take an official break from the cleanse to get some nutrition and prepare for the next leg of the detox. We went for 20 days on the first leg and will continue onto the next 20 days beginning tomorrow with a salt water flush. I'm excited to begin again.

I'm considering the meal planning for post cleanse and coaching that I think would be beneficial as I move into a new phase of life.

The break has been good, but now it's time to continue.

Day 17: Amazing Motivation

Today Ginny and I did an unofficial weigh in on a whim. The preliminary reduction since beginning this cleanse is 21.5 pounds. Although it sounds insane (and I'm sure the nutritionist would flip), I feel absolutely wonderful. I have wonderful energy and feel like my "old self." I feel happy and excited about my days when I wake up in the morning. I also feel motivated to continue with this cleanse and work through more of my issues around food, eating, my body, and self-love.

We went to Hip Hop Hustle this evening. It's been SO long since doing "real" exercise. I'm super happy what I felt well enough to go. I had wonderful energy in the class and felt great afterwards. Now I'm going to watch my body's response and pray that I don't have a lymey reaction. I hope that I'll be able to go to Turbo Kick next!

I also did a rock salt treatment for the edema in my arm. I think I definitely see and feel a difference and am so excited to see what happens with additional treatments.

What a day. Amazing.

Day 14: Toxic Eliminations

The bentonite clay and psyllium claim to be "gentle." They are anything but. I just completed my second SWF since the clay shake, and I'm still feeling backed up. Yesterday I hardly eliminated at all. I was feeling pretty concerned about it. My body was sucking up fluids and nothing was coming out the other end. Today has been a bit more "normal," but still moving slowly. Additionally, there was a lot of cramping and discomfort with the SWF this evening. I'll be happy to do tomorrow's SWF. I hope things smooth out.

Today we did 40 minutes of Turbo Fire sculpt and abs. It felt good to warm up my body and slip into the calm feeling that comes with working my body.

Day 13: Unlucky Karma

Today I woke up with the drunk/high feeling again. Although it wasn't as intense as day 4 and 5, I also felt quite a bit of inflammation upon waking. I'm sure I'm not attractive when I whimper in bed, but that's how the day began. Luckily, the SWF sped along the elimination process and I am feeling better already.

Last night we added 1tsp each of bentonite clay and psyllium husks to the evening lemonade. I didn't take the laxative tea because I wasn't sure what effect the bentonite/psyllium lemon shake was going to have on my bowels. The drink was pleasant on the tongue and easy to finish quickly. When I woke up this morning I felt heavier in my bowels and have been passing a lot more solid type material today. The SWF has taken much longer today after the clay and husks. Perhaps this addition is best done over the weekend when I don't have to be somewhere the next morning.

Emotionally I'm feeling a lot better. I'm letting go, happily. Acceptance.

Life is short. There are no guarantees, not for any of us. At any moment, our lives may end. Some suffer, some are happy. Some struggle, and some are well. We are all living karma and sometimes that is so hard to accept. But life, as it is, is beautiful; every moment of it. Our only real job is to give love. Shine. Shimmer. Be a light in the darkness so others can find their way home. Only then are we truly free.

How blessed to have had a living example to follow. May I follow in the footsteps of my blessed guru, Beth. May I wear her like a jewel in my crown to remind me what humble, serene, giving, gratitude, and kindness look like. May she find her way back quickly and may her friends and family find comfort and peace. 

Day 12: A Dozen Days of Detox

Things have certainly stabilized in my body for this cleanse. I'm finding it quite difficult to wake up early on these cold winter mornings to do the SWF. I'm going to start doing them in the office now that my body is more stable. I bought some bentonite clay yesterday, but it seems that I also need the psyllium. I'm going to see if they have it at the health food store today. I'm also dangerously low on organic lemons AND the roads are slick and snowy. I may have to supplement with some non-organic lemons until the roads to Reno clear. (I bought the last 3 organic lemons in Fallon yesterday.)

My mood is much improved and I'm feeling much more able to weather emotions that are coming up. I'm thinking that my intense self-judgment had much to do with being in the first days of detoxing when I went to Cali. (Fear of rejection is one of the most challenging emotions for me to weather.) I love the clear mind I have without caffeine right now. It would be nice to avoid caffeine after this cleanse. That is always difficult because I do love coffee and when the aroma is wafting through the office it is very tempting.

It's time to start working on meal plans with Ginny as well. It is interesting to rethink some of my meals to expand and include the likes of another person. I think we will have some wonderful recipes between the two of us. Of course, Miso Glazed Salmon and Ginger Steamed Tilapia are my top favorites during the work week. I'd like to make Quinoa Lentil Curry a regular as well. I'm considering trying out one raw day to see how it feels to do it. Matt might appreciate that. Other than that I'm going to work on getting back to the healthy eating pattern I already know I enjoy while making sure to get enough healthy fats and nutrient dense foods to help support me in healing and being well.

Day 10: Clearly Defined

Well it's been awhile since checking in with the blog. I had to take a trip over to Nor Cal to drop a friend off at a permaculture course. Traveling while on the cleanse is quite a challenge. The challenge is not in drinking the lemonades or packing around my cleanse supplies, but in getting enough water- and taking no caffeine! On long, long drives that extend into the evening in challenging weather it is difficult to stay completely alert without caffeine for me- especially on this calorie restriction (or relative calorie restriction).

Day 4 and 5 were difficult. On both days I detoxed some heavy stuff that made me feel drunk and high. When I got out of bed on both days I was stumbling and not thinking clearly. It felt like I had way too much alcohol to drink the night before. Only water, salt water flushing, and lemonade helped the feeling. It is a strange feeling and makes me really think about what I've been putting into my body in an effort to find happiness (and wellness) over the past several months. I wonder how much of the feeling is related to taking pharmaceutical medications while being sick.

I noticed how difficult it is to just drive down the street on the cleanse. Fast food signs, street barkers, and wafting smells make it difficult to go 1,000 feet without facing some temptation to eat something toxic. I started to understand more deeply my growing aversion to advertising while making the drive to Cali. I also noticed how attuned I am to the cycles and flows of nature right now.

Another very interesting observation I've had is how my body feels under stress. I was acutely able to feel my adrenal glands when I was feeling high emotional stress over the weekend. (It only happens once, but it was very acute.) I could feel the feeling of chemicals squirting out in response to fear (of rejection) and social anxiety. I can do pretty well with "turning it on" when I'm in a group setting, but it still can be rather challenging for me socially. I feel very awkward and nervous in large groups still (and even one-on-one when I'm in self-judgement mode and fearing rejection.) I thought that I have been doing better with social stresses (and indeed, I have been much more skillful in these situations), but it concerns me that so much chemical activity is happening in my body during these times of stress. I felt the adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my body causing me to feel almost ill (but not quite.) Matt was there (magically it seemed) to intercept me while I wandered on the brink of a panic attack- and offered me tender kindness and the firm reminder to sit in meditation. And he was right, bringing myself back to a centered state immediately calmed my mind and adrenal glands and allowed me to return to baseline and get to bed.

On that note, Ginny is right. I haven't made a decision, and that is at the root of my fears. I think this is a wonderful time to sit in meditation to work through some of these demons of self-loathing and give myself the love I so desperately want. Even if the definition is more hazy than clear, and even if I don't hear the words I wish to hear- either way I will have a great starting point for the work of the heart.

Day 5: A Familiar Tune

There are several today.

I stand alone.
Or at least that's how I feel. Cleansing is a hard path. I thought that it would be easier to cleanse with a friend, but I'm finding that isn't the case. I'm frustrated right now with what seems to be the unwillingness to embrace this time as an opportunity to rewrite old patterns. I think it's true that it takes getting sufficiently sick of your life before you are really willing to change it. I'm glad that I have sufficient disgust with my life to want to change- and that I am able to take responsibility for my choices without blaming them on other people- good or bad. I want a healthy life. I want to live and be happy- I want to do the things I love without battling constant pain and fatigue- I want to have energy and stamina to be there to serve those I love- I want to thrive... Even if that means that I have to do it alone.

Day 4 and 5 brought a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up on both days feeling drunk and high. That is certainly one of the more unpleasant side effects of cleansing. I'm happy to get the toxins out of my body, however. I have had a splitting headache off and on that seems to have faded. I also notice that my skin is regenerating more quickly- I imagine that the tissues inside my body are also healing at a quicker rate. I'm hoping to be over the most difficult part of the cleanse. I'm no longer having cravings for food or eating that cause much distraction for me. When they come up I'm taking time to attend to them with a curious mind. "Where is that coming from." I have noticed a lot of emotions coming up today. I'm feeling things intensely- and I'm happy that one of the most intense feelings I've had today is gratitude and love. I'm so happy for the spiritual garden I've been cultivating. I love my life and the beautiful things that are coming into bloom.

I think it will be difficult if Ginny chooses not to continue on the fast. The most difficult part is watching people I care about choose the same old patterns that bring about unhappiness. Sadly, I have a couple friends who seem to think that things will magically get better without any real internal realization about why they do what they do.

As for myself- I want to become intimately aware of why I choose to suffer- especially in the realm of eating and food. I'm not willing to give up and let my demon of hunger rule my journey. I want to feel like I am empowered to make conscious choices about what I do and don't want in my life. I want to live a life aligned with my values at every level. Even this is worthy of my spiritual practice. That is one of the driving forces behind wanting to do the Feeding Your Demons Kapala Training at Tara Mandala. I realize that if I am unwilling to address my attachments around food, I can never truly understand non-attachment. Thus, I will never be able to move past this circumstance to find bliss.

I choose happiness.