Turbo Fire

This marks a new phase for me.

Training has ended.

Kaia was a katastrophe.

And after some much needed downtime, rest, and pie, it's time to get back on the ball and head into my 1 year weightloss anniversary with a new burst. I ordered Turbo Fire and am anxiously waiting for it to come in. My plan is to do Turbo Kick at the gym- and supplement it with Turbo Fire at home. I haven't felt motivated to go to the gym for treadmill days after the whole Kaia thing. And I know I love Turbo, so this felt like a good move. (I wish I had just spent the Kaia money on Turbo Fire to begin with.) But oh well, at least I can say I did a boot camp.

I want to see how much total weight loss I can officially be able to report on my 1 year anniversary. So it's on like Donkey Kong! I have convinced one of my coworkers to at least try it with me. I think this is really going to get me in high(er) gear for Turbo Kick class.

Squat Thrust Mania Depressants

Today went pretty well in Kaia. As soon as I got there this morning I felt judgment about the way the warm up was structured. It felt like we were on competing teams pitted against each other for a race. I really hate any sort of competition. I also really dislike being cheered for more because I choose to move slower. I'm not sure why every moment of the class has to be at "hustle" pace. I really do find that I have to pace myself if I'm going to do back to back hard workout days. Not pacing myself was how I caused so much knee inflammation when I finally injured it in September. (It was a bit more complex that just overuse, I also had not taken enough Advil or iced/heated my knee after workouts, and I didn't understand the importance of rest when it's inflamed.) Now I understand that consistent paced workouts that don't cause too much inflammation so there is no real downtime is my best way to stay consistently active while also avoiding re-injury. I know that I will be managing my knee for awhile because I don't plan on not using my knee. So, yeah, I chose not to hustle everything this morning because I didn't want to hyper-extend my knee and put myself out of commission for the rest of the class, or worse, for the next month (again.) That makes me feel like there is pressure on me when Carry is yelling to pick up the pace and hustle and hurry. I tried to be validating in my mind to myself that this is a wise mind decision to take care of my knee. That didn't seem to help too much in the beginning of class because because of the stream of judgments I was having a hard time ignoring. I had the thought that class was stupid and that I wasn't going to be able to manage the emotions over feeling like I was being yelled at. After I was able to regulate my emotions a bit when we pulled out our mats and weren't in some sort of competitive mode I was able to get back into wise mind and validate myself and bring the dysregulation down. (Now, that's something I wish people would compliment me on rather than moving slowly!) After that the rest of class felt pretty good. I had fun this morning and pushed myself a lot considering my knee discomfort after smacking it on the ground when I lost control (I guess) in a squat-thrust. No real harm done, just an unhappy kneecap for the rest of class.

All of that on two lovely blisters as tokens of my treadmill intervals from this weekend...

I think it's time for some new shoes or socks or band-aid blister ampules.

The Mindfulness Ands

I have a new distress tolerance reminder tool to start out this Kaia Hell Week: sticky self-validation. My goal this week is to really focus on carrying myself with kindness and holding the experience in awareness. I think my desire (and attachment) to wanting the class to feel more supportive and encouraging has only served to create more suffering for myself. Especially with all the judgments that come up when I feel like I'm the only one in class having these negative self-judging emotional reactions in class. I'm going to pay close attention to what I feel emotionally when I start to see the screaming judgments pop up. What am I reacting to? What am I attaching to? This is a prime scenario for distress tolerance skills. This is a situation that is not likely to get better anytime soon, and I have to tolerate it until reality eventually changes. In the interim, the best I can do is to manage the emotions that I know are likely to come up based on the triggers and pad myself with a ton of self-care and self-validation to make it easier to tolerate the negative parts of the experience.

Today I noticed what I feel is a systemic aura of competition even when it's declared that this is not, in fact, a competition. Having to call out a time of completion for the exercise rounds really served no purpose at all other than to call attention verbally to the individual ability to complete the exercises in class. If it was set up to really feel non-competitive, I don't think we would need to call attention to individual progress. There is a much better way to format some of these class exercises to really foster a forum of mutual support and non-competition. Calling out an arbitrary time of completion for no apparent reason is not one of them. I didn't pay attention to time or calling out my completion for the exercises. I immediately noticed how it made me feel like I was, in fact, being compared to others and rejected the idea completely. I choose to move at my own pace and complete the work in a way that felt as self-honoring as possible knowing that a good portion of the class was probably staring at me while I finished my slow-moving attempt at proper form and good effort. I don't particularly like being watched when I work, and I really don't like to be randomly cheered just because I'm moving with a slower intention. It's OK not to like things right? I suppose where I fall into the pit is when I keep thinking, "this sucks." My sticky validation did help, and I turned my sleeve to glance at it several times during the class when I needed a reminder that I'm working hard & this is difficult and making me bump into all of my edges & I can do this because I'm a strong person & it will be over soon.

It was nice to start with mindful walking when the class began today. I decided to count my steps and notice my breath while I walked. I have never done a mindful walking exercise so quickly before. So that was a new experience. It helped to notice the physical experience of being in my body with the blisters on my feet and the cool air on my skin. It brought me fully into the present moment and allowed me to let go of some of the anxiety I had about being in class. It also gave me time to tune myself to being in the class for that hour. I noticed the people around me and reminded myself that I'm only here for me.

Now that class is over it's time for me to do a LOT of self validation. It has been a difficult week. I'm going through a lot and have a lot of pressures all around me. I'm doing the best I can to balance everything and it's OK is sometimes I need to take a break to care for myself when I feel overwhelmed. I don't have to be good. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else, ever. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to fail, because all that is required is that I try, and I did that. I am not a bad person because I prefer to work alone. I'm not strange because groups make me nervous. Not everyone likes to be singled out and cheered in a group, sometimes that adds pressure and triggers self-invalidation.

A Brisk Walk, He Said.

It felt nice to go based on some loving-kind direction this weekend. My emotions finally erupted into an evening of too much alcohol and wanton disregard for all the hard work and sweat I've been doing for Kaia lately. I know I only end up hurting myself when I have these episodes. It somehow felt entirely justified given the intensity of the emotions I felt during the week. In an effort to help my body rid itself of the toxins, I spent my hangover day drinking tons of water and paid a much needed visit to the treadmill. Today I went back to the gym a little more prepared to do some work. I did some treadmill intervals and did some weights. It felt great to tune out to some Depeche Mode while running away from all of my worries. At least while the work interval was on.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Kaia. I imagine that it will be difficult to return. My knee isn't entirely cooperating. It's been difficult to keep the swelling at bay after any of the Kaia workouts. I'm icing my knee as we speak. I spent some time heating up the quad muscles and stretching earlier. And I'm taking a lot of ibuprofen in preparation for what I expect to be a difficult week. The other side of my fears are rooted in the negative emotions I expect to come up while in class. I haven't received a response to my unhappiness with the class atmosphere. I think my opinions have been written off. I think I'm probably the lost cause in the class. I'm not going to give up. I just know that I won't be going back once this is done. Hopefully I can see John again as his training minion after this is over. I know that I can do a lot physically... enough to keep getting stronger and losing weight. I feel like the whole Kaia routine is just damaging my knee and my morale. I've been left feeling like I'm useless, lazy, never trying hard enough, and like I'm just a lost cause. I have very little motivation to feel concerned about meeting any of the arbitrary "goals" that I've set starting out on this path. At this point my main goal is to finish without feeling like shit about myself every day. I'm going to try to tape self-validation to my arm to remind myself while being yelled at that I'm not actually worthless.

If I'm not liking it I may just start doing my own thing. I've already disowned the idea of feeling like I have any responsibility to this "team." My only responsibility is to myself. Period. Call me a discompassionate self-absorbed frigid bitch.

I Need a Drink

It's been a pretty shitty week for me. I'm not feeling very motivated at all with all the knee inflammation and illness I've had. I'm also feeling pretty tired of Kaia and the way I feel when I leave class.

I need a drink.

Elevated

I went to the doctor today and got fitted for a patella stabilizing knee brace. I've been ordered to wear it all day today (at least) and while I work out (especially when doing jumping things.) I've also been commanded to keep my knee elevated today. I'm always remiss to put up my feet while working, but hey, Doctors orders right? I'm hoping that the use of this brace will be like when I began to use the ankle support. I noticed that I was able to do more and for longer with the support than without, and it resulted in be being able to sweat more and more often. I'm not too happy about having to wear this big bulky thing that I'm sure will feel hot, sweaty, and cumbersome when I'm trying to jump and kick. It feels like I have somehow failed as a person because I can't mentally will my knee to be better. I know that doesn't make any logical sense, but there is still some remnant drumline mentality that I should just be able to endure the pain without complaint. I don't want to do anything to permanently damage the tissues, though. That would be a very bad thing for my Turbo Kick career.

My workouts now feel completely draining. I feel like each thing I do is taxing me to my limits. I think it's having so many hard workout days in Kaia mixed with demanding more of myself in Turbo. This 6 week ultra-workout schedule is a great thing for my body. I can already feel changes in my strength even through weakness. I just have to watch that knee. After this 6 weeks I'm going to fall back to my regular Turbo Kick/treadmill/hoopnotica routine maybe with a day outside to do a Kaia style workout in the sun. It will be good to let my knee recover I think.

I haven't taken the time to log in my calories for the weekend. I didn't do all that bad in my opinion. As far as cases of the "fuckits" go, this one wasn't too bad. 750 mL of red wine (yum), sushi, cake, and chicken fajitas. And I felt completely human for a good 3 hours. It felt good to laugh and do absolutely nothing for an evening. I rarely do so much of nothing, so I'm going to say that it was a good thing (except for all the crying.) Maybe even that wasn't so bad.

So it's week 3. I'm in a brace and elevated. I'm fatigued and spent. I'm a bit emotional and feeling a little female. I'm a disturber of the peace (along with all my Kaia girls and Kaia Koach Carry.) And I'm ready to face the day.

Time for some NSAIDs!

I always love a good bang...

As I was leaving the apartment this morning, it began to snow. I hurt from yesterdays Double-D. After giving it my all in Kaia in the morning, I did Turbo Kick in the evening. It's interesting to observe that when my body feels stripped down to it's weakest state after exertion and restriction I'm better able to notice the inherent resident strength that is growing inside of me. I didn't feel like I could possibly move any more. I didn't think I could endure one entire hour of intense work. To my surprise it wasn't very difficult to keep giving a little more. Just jump a little more. Just one more time. Just one more minute. My muscles already hurt, so what was there left to lose. It will hurt anyways when I'm done, so why not get friendly with the pain and set a place for it at the table of me.

This morning I felt taxed. Rather than waking up feeling regenerated, I felt weak and sore. Just one more day. Just one more hour. I wonder if the bronchospasams from cold exertion will help to build up my lungs. This is the first winter in awhile that I haven't had a problem with chronic bronchitis. I know that so much of the "keeping going" is not the physical body, but the mind. Fading into the warm silence while my muscles scream and weakness gives way despite my intent to be strong. Pushing to the place where failure is definitely an option; quitting is a possibility. Going to that place where my will and endurance end and daring to cross the line into shame and embarrassment. Pushing a little harder. Wanting it a little more. Letting the wet warmth radiate from my core into a place where a new me is forming. I never knew the clearest moments of essential knowing were to be found in agonizing pain, or maybe I always knew.

It's strange that sometimes where others are weaker, I'm stronger. It's strange that where I was stronger then, now I'm weaker. It's strange that this is me thinking this useless junk.

Nothing like a good bang to start a Tuesday morning. Hopefully my favorite massage therapist is available to give my banged body some attention on Saturday...

You're Prolly Thinkin' I'm Wrong Right?

Turbo Kick! Class was amazing! I got there early expecting the onslaught of post new years resolution folks to fill the room. About half the class was new, and that was great. I hope they all come back. It was nice to have some men in the room. I went for the gusto and wore my hand weights for the first part of class, and for the high-lows. I have my arms in mind for my push ups goal for Kaia! The thing I love about Turbo is the semi-predictability. There is a base of movements that Karen has had a lot of time to instruct me on. Having her help with form has been essential and very much appreciated. Knowing that really helps me to plan around my knee while getting an amazing workout. It also means that I don't spend a lot of time feeling lost while I try to understand what is being asked of me. I think in Kaia I end up doing things wrong or half assed because I don't know what's going on. I think that not knowing whats going on is also important, but it is nice to have a base to come back to. Turbo is also a much more intense cardio workout than Kaia, although Kaia is much more strength focused. Both are important. I do prefer the feel of Turbo. I never feel like I'm in trouble, getting yelled at, or being judged. I feel gently encouraged even when Karen is telling me not to give up. Turbo also has the cool factor that Kaia just doesn't come close to having. Kick ass music and fun moves make it feel kinda like a party. Kaia feels like gym class hell. Maybe it's time for me to be a gym class hero. Damn it why doesn't Kaia have kick ass music?

It's enough to make me want to put up the peace sign, put the index down!



So yeah, I kinda knew that's how I might be feeling after a week of this... and that's why I signed up. What a wonderful chance to validate the valid and notice my reality. I actually do enjoy seeing everyone in the morning. And, yes, I actually do enjoy being cheered on and cheering on my team. I really do. I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like a child. And that is something for me to look more closely at this week. What do I feel like I'm being asked to give up, and is that real? How can I work on being more aware of how I'm feeling in the moment? How can I remember to validate myself during class, especially in the first half of the session, to help myself become more emotionally regulated... to be able to be present for the things that are positive in that time. How can I work to make my little space in the group more self-honoring? How can I work to give my best and push myself while also protecting my knee from injury? How can I meet the very high goals I've set for myself during this winter brik? How can I prepare for the emotions that I know will come up better? How can I be more validating of the experience of the women around me who are also going through this experience by my side? The good thing is that there are 5 more weeks of practice ahead of me. I have plenty of time to work through this, let go of the ego, find compassion, work my body, and meet those goals!

The highest form of meditation is simply living.

Sleep!

I was not in the mood to get up in the morning and feel the rush of judgments that came up when I felt like being committed to a group of chipper peeps was what I wanted to be doing with my time. I didn't want to hear any encouragement about how I was doing a good job. I knew I wasn't because my knee was uncooperative and holding me hostage as a slave to the gravitational pull of the earth. I didn't want to hear it; about how next week we were going to be harder on being late. I wonder if other people like this sort of thing? I prefer not to have my sovereignty stepped on too often for frivolous reasons. And showing up a few minutes late to a cold class outside doesn't feel like good enough of a reason to relinquish my autonomy.

I didn't last too long after class; I fell asleep in my warm bed. I had intensely saturated dreams again. It's interesting the dreams I have after a very hard work out. They are very self reflective and more "true," as well as more "lost."

Curry Tofu Sautee

Ingredients:
2 servings of organic firm tofu
2c Broccoli
.5 Zucchini cut lengthwise thin
.5 Yellow Squash cut lengthwise thin
.25c Onion chopped
.25c Fennel bulb chopped (totally optional)
1 clove Garlic diced
.5 tsp Olive Oil
2/3c Quinoa cooked

Instructions:
Cook the quinoa. I soak it in water for 20 minutes and drain using a sieve. Put the drained quinoa into a pot of boiling water. I don't measure it, it's not picky. Boil for 20-30 minutes until you see the little curly-q's show up. Drain. I cook enough to last for the week since it reheats well.

Drain and dry the tofu. I use a few paper towels to soak up the excess moisture from the tofu. Crumble into pan with olive oil and cook on medium high heat until brownish and the excess moisture is gone. Add broccoli, onion, garlic, squash, zucchini, fennel, and spices of your choice. For this dish I went for a curry flavor with Cumin, Turmeric, and Paprika, and Kosher salt.

Sautee and serve over quinoa.