The comforting thing is that this is likely going to be the worst part of my day. I sat here for the last 15 minutes breathing and visualizing a non-traumatizing salt experience. As soon as I took my first sip I thought, "Oh god this sucks." Half way through. Breathe. I hate the damn salt! Oh I'm dizzy. That was a wave of huge emotion there. Maybe I better go back to breathing. My hands are clammy. That's the fear doing it's thing. Breathe. I think it's time for Enchanted. It's done! Oh my stomach hurts and every fear reaction has been triggered. Now I can relax and let the salt to it's good work. Back to Enchanted. Breathe.
Wow. Today feels totally different. I feel constantly hungry this morning. I wonder if my metabolism is running today or something. I'm not having any big cravings for food or anything, I just feel the feeling of hunger pain in my stomach. It's only mildly unpleasant. I'm going to have plenty of water and lemonade this morning.
...
Today has been the most difficult day so far. I felt low energy and constantly hungry. I came across a piece of old bread and the smell was overwhelmingly wonderful. I had to refocus my attention on something else until the insane carb craving faded. I ended up drinking 10 lemonades today. I hope tomorrow is easier.
October 31, 2011
October 30, 2011
Day 3: English System Frustration
I remember when I was back in college and we had a week of only working out hydrology problems using the english system. The professor wanted us to be "exceedingly grateful" for the metric system. It worked. Trying to figure out how much water to drink when has felt very frustrating. After thinking about water in terms of liters and deciliters, this is confusion, especially at 8 in the morning. After several days I should be able to make more sense of this. For now it feels like I'm just trying to keep up.
I slept beautifully with no dreams of food, only songs and pleasant feelings. It's getting colder and I think this time it's going to stay.
I woke up with a pimple. Probably the first of many as my body gives up the toxic ghost. I've known for a long time that I had to do something to detoxify my body, especially after the intensive overload of drugs during the attempt at lyme treatment. I think it's amazing that Eric is holding such crucial information that he is willing to share with me. I'm not sure where my fear and resistance came from with him. I think it's just the fear of being really vulnerable with friends again that might soon leave.
I feel emotionally open without feeling raw or depressed. (Sad but not depressed. Just sad.) It's a very nice feeling.
Cleanse-wise I'm feeling wonderful as well. I feel a little nervous about getting the complex recipe for the salt mixture down. Maybe I need to make a couple of little recipe cards for early mornings with no caffeine. I got a lot done today at the apartment. I'm happy to be going back to work tomorrow to finish up some loose ends so that we can all breathe a little easier (and so I can take a good 2 weeks off to see my family and friends for thanksgiving.) Tomorrow I'm going to do a little more apartment cleaning and maybe work on crafting a poem for those who have passed. Tomorrow is the blessed day of remembrance for those who have passed. I like this new tradition that I started to honor my precious friend. Now there are more to remember an honor. An evening for whispers, tears, memories, and gratitude. My heart has never held so many loves at one time. It's amazing.
I slept beautifully with no dreams of food, only songs and pleasant feelings. It's getting colder and I think this time it's going to stay.
I woke up with a pimple. Probably the first of many as my body gives up the toxic ghost. I've known for a long time that I had to do something to detoxify my body, especially after the intensive overload of drugs during the attempt at lyme treatment. I think it's amazing that Eric is holding such crucial information that he is willing to share with me. I'm not sure where my fear and resistance came from with him. I think it's just the fear of being really vulnerable with friends again that might soon leave.
I feel emotionally open without feeling raw or depressed. (Sad but not depressed. Just sad.) It's a very nice feeling.
Cleanse-wise I'm feeling wonderful as well. I feel a little nervous about getting the complex recipe for the salt mixture down. Maybe I need to make a couple of little recipe cards for early mornings with no caffeine. I got a lot done today at the apartment. I'm happy to be going back to work tomorrow to finish up some loose ends so that we can all breathe a little easier (and so I can take a good 2 weeks off to see my family and friends for thanksgiving.) Tomorrow I'm going to do a little more apartment cleaning and maybe work on crafting a poem for those who have passed. Tomorrow is the blessed day of remembrance for those who have passed. I like this new tradition that I started to honor my precious friend. Now there are more to remember an honor. An evening for whispers, tears, memories, and gratitude. My heart has never held so many loves at one time. It's amazing.
October 29, 2011
Day 2: Simply Set
I woke up feeling the dichotomous sensations of warm and cold. The weather said a chance of flurries. Really? I felt a tinge of worry as I fell asleep last night. "What if I don't remember that I'm cleansing when I wake up tomorrow." That's why I chose to get rid of the easy foods in the apartment. No use watching the beautiful romanesco broccoli go bad while I fight the temptation to eat it. As I slept I dreamt of potatoes. Again, not a usual craving for me. My mind is working hard to lobby me to eat something I think. Other than that my dreams were pleasant. Today I'm going to do a bit of house work and enjoy something on netflix.
Oh, the salt is calling. Time to go.
Later that day...
I like how things now move slowly in my life. I like how I can see the joys passing as they are happening. I like that I can really savor them in long moments and deeper breaths.
I'm working my way through some dehydration. Eric is so calming to my being. It's nice to hear more than one voice saying, "It's going to be ok." I'm surprised with how good I felt today. I had a few cravings for food, but felt very little hunger. I feel so calm. Soothed. There is something wonderful about knowing that this is apart of the path that began many years ago here in this place. A decade later, everything is different. A decade of choices to become aware to my own self, of choosing to let go, of loving indiscriminately, of believing that "here somewhere in the heart of me there is still apart of me that still cares."
Oh, the salt is calling. Time to go.
Later that day...
I like how things now move slowly in my life. I like how I can see the joys passing as they are happening. I like that I can really savor them in long moments and deeper breaths.
I'm working my way through some dehydration. Eric is so calming to my being. It's nice to hear more than one voice saying, "It's going to be ok." I'm surprised with how good I felt today. I had a few cravings for food, but felt very little hunger. I feel so calm. Soothed. There is something wonderful about knowing that this is apart of the path that began many years ago here in this place. A decade later, everything is different. A decade of choices to become aware to my own self, of choosing to let go, of loving indiscriminately, of believing that "here somewhere in the heart of me there is still apart of me that still cares."
October 28, 2011
Day 1: Revisited
(Today) I began the master cleanse. I started with water and 2 salt flushes in the morning. In the afternoon I drank the spicy lemonade and watched my mind. I didn't start to have any cravings for food until the early evening. Then I very much wanted apple pie for several minutes at a time. That was interesting because I almost never crave apple pie. I soothed my mind and reassured [myself] that everything was going to be ok. I sat calmly and sipped on water while watching a documentary and charmed. Later I began to feel the familiar panicked cravings for food. My mind was sorting through food choices like a catalog trying to find something to tempt my body into giving in. Cravings for food came like flashes of memories and passed just as quickly. As my mind became calmer I noticed a flipping between cravings and deep contentment. I wonder if it was sensing of the mind and the body alternatively. I wonder what it would be like to sense them simultaneously.
The syrup is such a joy.
Overall I felt happy and accomplished. I urge surfed gracefully and noticed the gentle shifting into something new that has emerged. Mindfulness FTW.
The syrup is such a joy.
Overall I felt happy and accomplished. I urge surfed gracefully and noticed the gentle shifting into something new that has emerged. Mindfulness FTW.
It Started with Water
Today I'm beginning the Master Cleanse.
Sort of like the day I walked into John's office with an open heart, ready for whatever comes next. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I'm ready to begin a new journey. This feels like a natural progression after a long pause. I can feel my body asking me for help in healing, and I haven't known what to do. I'm grateful for the evolution that became after choosing a new path last year. Now I feel like I have more to learn, and so here I am, beginning again.
I have been speaking to my body this morning, sending messages of comfort and soothing. "It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." I started with several cups of water this morning before venturing out to find my necessary ingredients. I also cleaned out my kitchen of simple foods that might tempt me if I'm feeling the craving to eat. I want to do what I can do to set myself up for success. I'm going to try to avoid food-triggering people and places this weekend as Eric suggests. This is a wonderful time to pull back into myself for some introspective recovery and rebuilding. The turning of the fall always feels like the time for me to reconnect to the quieter parts of my being. I think it's a good time to nurture them.
I spent $62.69 today to begin this new and exciting process. I'm curious to watch myself unfold.
I haven't felt particularly hungry today. Especially after the warm salt wash. I'm thinking that the feeling of hunger will be a great time to practice some urge surfing and warm self soothing.
"It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."
Sort of like the day I walked into John's office with an open heart, ready for whatever comes next. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I'm ready to begin a new journey. This feels like a natural progression after a long pause. I can feel my body asking me for help in healing, and I haven't known what to do. I'm grateful for the evolution that became after choosing a new path last year. Now I feel like I have more to learn, and so here I am, beginning again.
I have been speaking to my body this morning, sending messages of comfort and soothing. "It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." I started with several cups of water this morning before venturing out to find my necessary ingredients. I also cleaned out my kitchen of simple foods that might tempt me if I'm feeling the craving to eat. I want to do what I can do to set myself up for success. I'm going to try to avoid food-triggering people and places this weekend as Eric suggests. This is a wonderful time to pull back into myself for some introspective recovery and rebuilding. The turning of the fall always feels like the time for me to reconnect to the quieter parts of my being. I think it's a good time to nurture them.
I spent $62.69 today to begin this new and exciting process. I'm curious to watch myself unfold.
I haven't felt particularly hungry today. Especially after the warm salt wash. I'm thinking that the feeling of hunger will be a great time to practice some urge surfing and warm self soothing.
"It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."
June 21, 2011
I think I'm starting to learn...
I'm starting to find that these little diversions life gives me aren't the reason for getting off track with my diet and exercise goals, they are exactly my reason for staying committed. This rollercoaster of life has surprised me at every turn. I thought I had faced the most difficult pain after watching my father give in to his dark urges of self destruction and alcoholism. And after my friend Alita passed away last year, I thought all hope was lost. Then I found hope, true hope for the first time in my life. And then had to bury my grandfather earlier this year. And when I thought the dust had settled, I found out that we lost another friend. I guess her death was ruled accidental overdose. I'm not really sure, and I guess it's not all that important now. We sat together in the same room talking about the same fears, fighting the same urges. She isn't here now. I kept a carnation from her casket to remind me of her presence. What is one supposed to hang on to at a time like this? When all else that is "real" fades, all that is left is a distilled version of the truth, the essence of being. And I guess that is all that is really worth anything at all. We are born, we breathe, we exist, we cry, we fight, we love, and we die. I say this not to belittle the signifigance of anyone's life at all, but to highlight the critical nature of the things we do while were here. The connections we make with each other are real. They transcend time and place and weave us into the fabric of the universe. Every thread, every word, every intention is an essential part of the beautiful nature of the universe. So, in the face of so much pain and loss, I have found that when I keep punching and keep breathing, I'm continuing to weave the pattern that will become the essence of my place here. What kind of pattern do I want to weave with the ones I love? What gentle spirals will my spirit leave when I pass? What can I do to be sure that the beauty of the friends and family who are no longer here with me are never forgotten? I will plant pink flowers in every place I settle so that Alita's sweet lace glitter dreams are never forgotten. I will plant corn wherever I live so that my grandfather's lifetime of caring lives on in all who eat the corn. And I will wait for the gift of vision from Larissa so that I can grow a seed that always reminds me of her dancing passionate smile. I am on this journey not to lose weight, but to live this life in a way that honors those I love.
May 28, 2011
A Myriad of Challenges
So. I started Turbo Fire with plenty of good intentions, but life had other plans. Soon after starting Fire my grandfather passed away and I had to travel to attend to saying goodbye. I got in one workout during the trip with my sisters in a hotel gym. We actually moved all of the equipment to the side so we could do it. It was awesome. On my way home from the trip I got sick... and that sickness quickly developed into a bad case of bronchitis. I had to see the doctor for some antibiotics and cough meds. After a couple of weeks I was still sick and getting worse. I ended up having to go to the emergency room one night after a coughing episode that brought me to my knees. My chest was in so much pain that I thought I broke my ribs.
Now It's a month later and my ribs are still healing and I'm feeling like a fat lump of lazy. I'm better now, but I'm a little afraid that my motivation might wane in the face of what feels like so much lost time and sadness.
Two days ago I found out that one of my friends died. She was 25. I went to Turbo Kick the night I found out. When my muscles were burning I felt grateful to be able to be alive to feel pain. My ribs are still sore. My heart hurts with sadness and loss. And I'm going to try my best to get back on the track of LIVING.
Today I did a Turbo Fire EZ 55. I'm feeling very alive.
Sweating doesn't feel like tears falling anymore. I used to hate to sweat because I always felt like I had just cried. Now I feel like I'm breathing again and ready to face life with a bit more agility and flexibility.
It's good to be back.
Now It's a month later and my ribs are still healing and I'm feeling like a fat lump of lazy. I'm better now, but I'm a little afraid that my motivation might wane in the face of what feels like so much lost time and sadness.
Two days ago I found out that one of my friends died. She was 25. I went to Turbo Kick the night I found out. When my muscles were burning I felt grateful to be able to be alive to feel pain. My ribs are still sore. My heart hurts with sadness and loss. And I'm going to try my best to get back on the track of LIVING.
Today I did a Turbo Fire EZ 55. I'm feeling very alive.
Sweating doesn't feel like tears falling anymore. I used to hate to sweat because I always felt like I had just cried. Now I feel like I'm breathing again and ready to face life with a bit more agility and flexibility.
It's good to be back.
April 17, 2011
A Seedier Kind of Metaphor
I don't think I could have predicted where my life was going to end up after taking that first step, back in May 2010, to change my life. I'm not sure that I really thought of that first step as life-changing. It took all my energy to walk into John's office at the gym; I wasn't thinking about what my life would be like a year later! Now here I am, the same Carmen, but totally different. I've been in a nice equilibrium lately and have been enjoying trying to figure out what my new moving target is these days. Life has demanded some of my attention lately, and I've been happy to attend to some important things. Now it's time to draw my energies back in to start spinning a new circle.
Circles. Everything in my life is well defined by sets of interconnected circles. Like the olympic rings, but swirlier. I've been reconnecting with myself in new ways. I'm learning that eating well is a pleasurable luxury. I still have some more work to do on weight loss, but this peek into life in stasis has been nice. Coconut oil makes every treat rich with a sinful silk texture. Organic maple syrup is intensely delicious. And organic cream cheese is like nothing I have ever tasted. If this is what I have to look forward to more often when I reach the end of my weight-loss journey, I can't wait to get back to sweating!
Now, my new goal is to learn to grow my own food. At least as much as possible living in a north-facing apartment with an enclosed patio. Once I get the community gardens up and running I will have much more space to play in. I have seedlings galore in flats putting down roots into various mediums. Everything is an experiment. Vermiculite? Perlite? Potting soil? Worm castings? This is all new to me! I'm mixing it up with little worry about what will survive and what won't I'm going to pay attention to what works and revise what doesn't. I have some seedlings awaiting true leaves before transplanting. I transplanted some too early. I have willow tonic constantly brewing and worm castings waiting to become a tea. I'm excited to learn what works. I have Dr. Bronner's diluted for a soap insecticide until I can get the Safer Soap. I have weather blankets for the delicate sprouts outside. I have organic fertilizer and mycorrhyzae ready to go. I hope I get food! I have never been this immersed in getting these little things to grow. I always got frustrated and gave up. Now I have more information and tons of advice and help to get going. I'll just keep planting, something has to grow!
Kinda like life, huh.
Circles. Everything in my life is well defined by sets of interconnected circles. Like the olympic rings, but swirlier. I've been reconnecting with myself in new ways. I'm learning that eating well is a pleasurable luxury. I still have some more work to do on weight loss, but this peek into life in stasis has been nice. Coconut oil makes every treat rich with a sinful silk texture. Organic maple syrup is intensely delicious. And organic cream cheese is like nothing I have ever tasted. If this is what I have to look forward to more often when I reach the end of my weight-loss journey, I can't wait to get back to sweating!
Now, my new goal is to learn to grow my own food. At least as much as possible living in a north-facing apartment with an enclosed patio. Once I get the community gardens up and running I will have much more space to play in. I have seedlings galore in flats putting down roots into various mediums. Everything is an experiment. Vermiculite? Perlite? Potting soil? Worm castings? This is all new to me! I'm mixing it up with little worry about what will survive and what won't I'm going to pay attention to what works and revise what doesn't. I have some seedlings awaiting true leaves before transplanting. I transplanted some too early. I have willow tonic constantly brewing and worm castings waiting to become a tea. I'm excited to learn what works. I have Dr. Bronner's diluted for a soap insecticide until I can get the Safer Soap. I have weather blankets for the delicate sprouts outside. I have organic fertilizer and mycorrhyzae ready to go. I hope I get food! I have never been this immersed in getting these little things to grow. I always got frustrated and gave up. Now I have more information and tons of advice and help to get going. I'll just keep planting, something has to grow!
Kinda like life, huh.
Is it too late to start over?
I started out full-steam on Turbo Fire, ready to crush it, but life had other plans for me. It has felt right to take a little break after the passing of my grandfather. I had to make an unexpected trip to Arizona to be with family for the burial. When I got home, I came down with a bad case of bronchitis. I guess this has forced me to slow down and recover, and I think I needed the time. I'm going back and forth about what I'm doing these days. I have managed to lose 2 pounds since starting Fire despite my constant cravings for sugar. I think it's time to start working on putting the cravings on the back burner to let my body know who's in charge here. And as soon as I'm recovered, it's time to ease my way back into regular workouts.
John gave me wonderful news the other day. My Karen is now his Karen! I'm going to start a membership at his gym ASAP (finally) and see how Turbo feels in that nice pretty room there.
So I'm starting another Metaphor, seedlings. Yes, this is my year to learn how to grow my own food. And I'm starting by germinating from seed. My first batch of seedlings failed. I had to leave them in the care of my coworkers when I went to Arizona. I can't really blame them for not caring as much as I do about them. They didn't get watered every day (for a whole long weekend.) And most of them died. The rest died when I tried to harden them off. Lesson learned. Seedlings need careful attention. I now have a fresh batch of sprouts sitting on my patio in germination boxes with their lids still on to keep them protected until they are strong enough to begin experiencing the elements. We will be having a cold snap Monday, so they will be coming in this evening to keep warm until the cold snap passes. Today I'm going to a rose pruning and transplanting class at the Flower Tree. I hadn't thought about roses before because of the permaculture function conundrum, but rose hip tea does sound good.
I'm also going to begin a cookbook. I have put a lot of work into the meal plans that have gotten me this far (56 pounds lost). And I think it would be worth starting a downloadable book of my nutrition discoveries on this path of becoming a leaner me. Maybe a little book of things I've learned, recipes I've pared down to serving sizes of 1, and recipes I've created to make losing weight feel like a gourmet vacation. With spring-time coming and fresh produce around the corner, I'm excited to work on her recipes for this phase of my journey. I have to create a special dish for my new favorite ingredient: the newly discovered Organic Red Quinoa.
Yum.
John gave me wonderful news the other day. My Karen is now his Karen! I'm going to start a membership at his gym ASAP (finally) and see how Turbo feels in that nice pretty room there.
So I'm starting another Metaphor, seedlings. Yes, this is my year to learn how to grow my own food. And I'm starting by germinating from seed. My first batch of seedlings failed. I had to leave them in the care of my coworkers when I went to Arizona. I can't really blame them for not caring as much as I do about them. They didn't get watered every day (for a whole long weekend.) And most of them died. The rest died when I tried to harden them off. Lesson learned. Seedlings need careful attention. I now have a fresh batch of sprouts sitting on my patio in germination boxes with their lids still on to keep them protected until they are strong enough to begin experiencing the elements. We will be having a cold snap Monday, so they will be coming in this evening to keep warm until the cold snap passes. Today I'm going to a rose pruning and transplanting class at the Flower Tree. I hadn't thought about roses before because of the permaculture function conundrum, but rose hip tea does sound good.
I'm also going to begin a cookbook. I have put a lot of work into the meal plans that have gotten me this far (56 pounds lost). And I think it would be worth starting a downloadable book of my nutrition discoveries on this path of becoming a leaner me. Maybe a little book of things I've learned, recipes I've pared down to serving sizes of 1, and recipes I've created to make losing weight feel like a gourmet vacation. With spring-time coming and fresh produce around the corner, I'm excited to work on her recipes for this phase of my journey. I have to create a special dish for my new favorite ingredient: the newly discovered Organic Red Quinoa.
Yum.
March 16, 2011
Turbo Fire
This marks a new phase for me.
Training has ended.
Kaia was a katastrophe.
And after some much needed downtime, rest, and pie, it's time to get back on the ball and head into my 1 year weightloss anniversary with a new burst. I ordered Turbo Fire and am anxiously waiting for it to come in. My plan is to do Turbo Kick at the gym- and supplement it with Turbo Fire at home. I haven't felt motivated to go to the gym for treadmill days after the whole Kaia thing. And I know I love Turbo, so this felt like a good move. (I wish I had just spent the Kaia money on Turbo Fire to begin with.) But oh well, at least I can say I did a boot camp.
I want to see how much total weight loss I can officially be able to report on my 1 year anniversary. So it's on like Donkey Kong! I have convinced one of my coworkers to at least try it with me. I think this is really going to get me in high(er) gear for Turbo Kick class.
Training has ended.
Kaia was a katastrophe.
And after some much needed downtime, rest, and pie, it's time to get back on the ball and head into my 1 year weightloss anniversary with a new burst. I ordered Turbo Fire and am anxiously waiting for it to come in. My plan is to do Turbo Kick at the gym- and supplement it with Turbo Fire at home. I haven't felt motivated to go to the gym for treadmill days after the whole Kaia thing. And I know I love Turbo, so this felt like a good move. (I wish I had just spent the Kaia money on Turbo Fire to begin with.) But oh well, at least I can say I did a boot camp.
I want to see how much total weight loss I can officially be able to report on my 1 year anniversary. So it's on like Donkey Kong! I have convinced one of my coworkers to at least try it with me. I think this is really going to get me in high(er) gear for Turbo Kick class.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)