Day 9: Opening Old Wounds

I haven't been very willing to think back to the losses that took place in my life last year. That is a really disconnected way of stating that. Let me try again. Losing one of my closest friends was very painful and difficult to deal with so I choose not to think about it too much last year. Maybe it's time. I keep thinking about it despite the feeling that I've made it through with grace (for the most part). Part of this trigger might be Thanksgiving coming up.

I think it's time to forgive and let it go. Be sad for the suffering. And breathe.



The permaculture work bee was great. I had a wonderful time getting to know new people at the work bee and after. I was amazed at how well I did at the restaurant. It's interesting how my sense of smell has a locational aspect to it now. I can tell what direction different scents are coming from pretty acutely.

Day 8: Soothing Balance

I felt so frustrated yesterday when I was feeling bloated and acidic. I drank a lot of water, but it didn't seen to help. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized that I had only 4 lemonades. The unsettled feeling in my stomach made me feel like not drinking anymore lemonade. It didn't really occur to me until I spoke to Eric that my body may have been telling me that it needs help getting rid of the toxins in my system. I think going home to take a nap was a good choice. I felt much better when I woke up later in the evening.

I had a lovely night. I finished watching Somewhere in Time and cried. I love that movie so much. Then I took a nice warm bath and gently fell asleep in the warmth of knowing that I'm loved and safe.

I really enjoy talking with Eric. I hope our friendship lasts for a long, long time. Enlightened discussions with him really light up my day and make me smile.

Today the salt was much easier to drink. I'm still having a taste of syrup after I drink the salt to improve the experience. But it is encouraging that this is maybe getting easier now.

On elimination: the salt flush this morning was different. The color was darker and there were less little particles. It's interesting how every day is different.

Day 7: The Lull

Today has been a bit more difficult for me. My stomach feels unsettled and I feel depressed. I'm feeling like I want to crawl back in bed and get a few more hours of sleep or maybe cuddle up with a warm blanket and watch a movie. I feel overwhelmed by how big my project feels. (And here it comes...) And I feel like I'm not the right person to be doing this, worthless. (There it is.)

I think it would be beneficial to take some time today to care for myself and meditate. I've been so busy for the past few days. It's difficult to meditate in my space when I have cats clawing me.

I feel like this is a wall. I want bread. Sleep. A hug.

I'm glad it's the weekend.

Day 6: Amazing Clarity

This has been a truly amazing day. The main thing I noticed today was how my ability to focus on tasks has really deepened. It was so much easier to be mindful of what I was doing today. I didn't have to fight a wandering mind. I feel completely alive. My sense of smell for food is very acute and I can identify whatever anyone in the office is eating. Still, the smell of bread is heavenly.

I felt hunger throughout the day. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to try to drink more lemonade when I feel like this or just ignore it. (Probably drink more lemonade because I actually had a couple of energy dips so I don't think it was a psychological desire to eat, but a physical need.) Hm, that must be what Eric was talking about- learning to pay attention to what the body needs.

Day 5: Just a Spoonful of Sugar

I cheated this morning with the salt flush. I didn't want to feel like I was in complete suffering again this morning. I had a couple spoonfuls of maple syrup to get the salt taste out of my mouth this morning. It really helped me tolerate it, I hope it was ok to do.

Other than that, waking up this morning was a beautiful process. I naturally woke up right before my alarm (set for 4:45am). I didn't feel any nausea this morning and I haven't had a headache all day. I have felt no need for coffee for the past 2 mornings. And today I feel completely awake and happy.

I've been feeling wonderful today. Even with coworkers in the office eating lovely smelling bread I'm not having any real cravings for food of any sort. (I know the bread isn't that great anyway, it's gluten free. Ew.) It is interesting that the most beautiful smell in the world to me right now is bread. I look forward to visiting a bakery and enjoying some hot bread with butter after this fast. It does feel good to know that I'm doing something so good for my body. I feel pretty energized and mentally very aware. I can't believe that this is day 5.

Last night I had a beautiful night honoring those who have passed. I lit all of my candles and cleaned a space where I could write. It felt good.


Somewhere in Time will be here tomorrow. I can't wait!



Today was simply amazing. The only way to describe how I feel is bliss. I got so much done at work effortlessly today and had plenty of time to really touch base with my coworkers. It always feels good to get connected to the people I work with. I'm a little worried about my organic lemon supply. The price of lemons went up from .69 to .79 which is a little annoying. And on top of that I got the last of what they had there this evening. I guess I'll have to make a Reno run for lemons.

We also have to have a serious discussion about my mouth. The taste in my mouth last night was awful. It tasted like medicine chemicals. It was absolutely disgusting. It's amazing what must be getting purged out of my body right now. Today the taste is less mediciney but still chemically. Ew.

Day 4: Saline Hell

The comforting thing is that this is likely going to be the worst part of my day. I sat here for the last 15 minutes breathing and visualizing a non-traumatizing salt experience. As soon as I took my first sip I thought, "Oh god this sucks." Half way through. Breathe. I hate the damn salt! Oh I'm dizzy. That was a wave of huge emotion there. Maybe I better go back to breathing. My hands are clammy. That's the fear doing it's thing. Breathe. I think it's time for Enchanted. It's done! Oh my stomach hurts and every fear reaction has been triggered. Now I can relax and let the salt to it's good work. Back to Enchanted. Breathe.

Wow. Today feels totally different. I feel constantly hungry this morning. I wonder if my metabolism is running today or something. I'm not having any big cravings for food or anything, I just feel the feeling of hunger pain in my stomach. It's only mildly unpleasant. I'm going to have plenty of water and lemonade this morning.

...
Today has been the most difficult day so far. I felt low energy and constantly hungry. I came across a piece of old bread and the smell was overwhelmingly wonderful. I had to refocus my attention on something else until the insane carb craving faded. I ended up drinking 10 lemonades today. I hope tomorrow is easier.

Day 3: English System Frustration

I remember when I was back in college and we had a week of only working out hydrology problems using the english system. The professor wanted us to be "exceedingly grateful" for the metric system. It worked. Trying to figure out how much water to drink when has felt very frustrating. After thinking about water in terms of liters and deciliters, this is confusion, especially at 8 in the morning. After several days I should be able to make more sense of this. For now it feels like I'm just trying to keep up.

I slept beautifully with no dreams of food, only songs and pleasant feelings. It's getting colder and I think this time it's going to stay.

I woke up with a pimple. Probably the first of many as my body gives up the toxic ghost. I've known for a long time that I had to do something to detoxify my body, especially after the intensive overload of drugs during the attempt at lyme treatment. I think it's amazing that Eric is holding such crucial information that he is willing to share with me. I'm not sure where my fear and resistance came from with him. I think it's just the fear of being really vulnerable with friends again that might soon leave.

I feel emotionally open without feeling raw or depressed. (Sad but not depressed. Just sad.) It's a very nice feeling.

Cleanse-wise I'm feeling wonderful as well. I feel a little nervous about getting the complex recipe for the salt mixture down. Maybe I need to make a couple of little recipe cards for early mornings with no caffeine. I got a lot done today at the apartment. I'm happy to be going back to work tomorrow to finish up some loose ends so that we can all breathe a little easier (and so I can take a good 2 weeks off to see my family and friends for thanksgiving.) Tomorrow I'm going to do a little more apartment cleaning and maybe work on crafting a poem for those who have passed. Tomorrow is the blessed day of remembrance for those who have passed. I like this new tradition that I started to honor my precious friend. Now there are more to remember an honor. An evening for whispers, tears, memories, and gratitude. My heart has never held so many loves at one time. It's amazing.

Day 2: Simply Set

I woke up feeling the dichotomous sensations of warm and cold. The weather said a chance of flurries. Really? I felt a tinge of worry as I fell asleep last night. "What if I don't remember that I'm cleansing when I wake up tomorrow." That's why I chose to get rid of the easy foods in the apartment. No use watching the beautiful romanesco broccoli go bad while I fight the temptation to eat it. As I slept I dreamt of potatoes. Again, not a usual craving for me. My mind is working hard to lobby me to eat something I think. Other than that my dreams were pleasant. Today I'm going to do a bit of house work and enjoy something on netflix.

Oh, the salt is calling. Time to go.

Later that day...

I like how things now move slowly in my life. I like how I can see the joys passing as they are happening. I like that I can really savor them in long moments and deeper breaths.

I'm working my way through some dehydration. Eric is so calming to my being. It's nice to hear more than one voice saying, "It's going to be ok." I'm surprised with how good I felt today. I had a few cravings for food, but felt very little hunger. I feel so calm. Soothed. There is something wonderful about knowing that this is apart of the path that began many years ago here in this place. A decade later, everything is different. A decade of choices to become aware to my own self, of choosing to let go, of loving indiscriminately, of believing that "here somewhere in the heart of me there is still apart of me that still cares."

Day 1: Revisited

(Today) I began the master cleanse. I started with water and 2 salt flushes in the morning. In the afternoon I drank the spicy lemonade and watched my mind. I didn't start to have any cravings for food until the early evening. Then I very much wanted apple pie for several minutes at a time. That was interesting because I almost never crave apple pie. I soothed my mind and reassured [myself] that everything was going to be ok. I sat calmly and sipped on water while watching a documentary and charmed. Later I began to feel the familiar panicked cravings for food. My mind was sorting through food choices like a catalog trying to find something to tempt my body into giving in. Cravings for food came like flashes of memories and passed just as quickly. As my mind became calmer I noticed a flipping between cravings and deep contentment. I wonder if it was sensing of the mind and the body alternatively. I wonder what it would be like to sense them simultaneously.

The syrup is such a joy.

Overall I felt happy and accomplished. I urge surfed gracefully and noticed the gentle shifting into something new that has emerged. Mindfulness FTW.

It Started with Water

Today I'm beginning the Master Cleanse.

Sort of like the day I walked into John's office with an open heart, ready for whatever comes next. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I'm ready to begin a new journey. This feels like a natural progression after a long pause. I can feel my body asking me for help in healing, and I haven't known what to do. I'm grateful for the evolution that became after choosing a new path last year. Now I feel like I have more to learn, and so here I am, beginning again.

I have been speaking to my body this morning, sending messages of comfort and soothing. "It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." I started with several cups of water this morning before venturing out to find my necessary ingredients. I also cleaned out my kitchen of simple foods that might tempt me if I'm feeling the craving to eat. I want to do what I can do to set myself up for success. I'm going to try to avoid food-triggering people and places this weekend as Eric suggests. This is a wonderful time to pull back into myself for some introspective recovery and rebuilding. The turning of the fall always feels like the time for me to reconnect to the quieter parts of my being. I think it's a good time to nurture them.

I spent $62.69 today to begin this new and exciting process. I'm curious to watch myself unfold.

I haven't felt particularly hungry today. Especially after the warm salt wash. I'm thinking that the feeling of hunger will be a great time to practice some urge surfing and warm self soothing.

"It's going to be ok, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."